6 Great Martial Arts for Killing a Man With Your Bare Hands

#3. Silat

Country of Origin: Malaysia

Malaysia has always been a brutalized country. Pirates, Portuguese, the British, and even the Japanese in WWII have long seen the country as the coolest hunk of land to own in the South Pacific. That really pissed the Malaysians off. So, instead of playing France and whining about it, they invented silat, then later added in stuff they learned from all the guys who invaded them.

Are you seeing a pattern here? To get kick-ass martial arts, you just need a country that's been in lots and lots of wars.

Many martial arts gurus cite spiritual enlightenment and a quest of self-perfection as the goal of their study, but not silat. Early silat masters developed their martial art solely for the purpose of beating the piss out of invaders. The style is typically marked with a lightning quick attack style designed to close on your opponent as quickly as possible, beat the hell out of him within 10 seconds, then finish him with a hammer blow to the face, throat, or kidney.

The honor and fairness are thrown out the window in favor of fighting dirty and exploiting weakness. They even encourage nut shots. As a counter, all silat students are put through a training regimen that involves having people break bricks on your ribs and bend iron bars around your neck to build up pain tolerance.

Silat in Action:

Below is an example of one of the dirty moves commonly used in silat, as taught by The History Channel.

Yes, in one lightning-fast movement, the silat master puts you on your back and crushes your ribcage.

Wait, it gets worse. The most brutal version of silat is taught in the jungle by a guy who learned it by having the crap beaten out of him from the ages 7 to 10 by his master. Did we mention he spent all three years in a pitch black cave where he couldn't even see the inside of his eyelids? Unlike those Shaolin wussbags, his years of training did not teach him restraint and enlightenment, but rather how to tear the flesh off his enemies with his bare freaking hands.

There's also a weapon associated with silat, the kris. It's a wavy knife used with quick, stabbing motions aimed at soft spots on the body. Oh, also, one of the most deadly neurotoxins in the world is smelted directly into the metal and that just a scratch is enough to kill you within seconds. You pretty much have to hope the wielder accidentally stabs himself, though he could still kill you barehanded before the poison got him.

#2. Eskrima

Country of Origin: The Philippines

Eskrima is the ancient Filipino art of beating the piss out of your opponents with embarrassingly small wooden sticks. For centuries, it was used by the Filipinos to beat each other senseless, but when Magellan arrived in 1521, some Filipinos decided to diversify by using it to beat foreigners senseless.

The style involves teaching a variety of lightning fast strikes, grapples, and disarming moves that are equally effective when using the traditional eskrima sticks, knives, or bare hands, the philosophy being that the lack of a weapon should never come between an eskrimador and the ability to murder people.

Also, check this chick out.

The sport of modern eskrima has two varieties. One takes place in gyms and the competitors wear full body armor with face masks and is usually decided by points. The other version takes place in cock fighting pits, where they use metal bars wrapped in a thin layer of foam rather than wooden sticks and can be decided by points, by knockout, by broken bone, or by triple disarm.

Eskrima in Action:

When peasants practiced their style of eskrima, the scrawny rice farmers would, and still do, take on a 1600 lb. water buffalo, meaning they could probably make any WWE star squeal like a little girl within seconds, an event worthy of Pay-Per-View.

One famous eskrima victim was famous explorer Ferdinand Magellan.

After he converted an entire village to Catholicism, a rival tribe attacked. After being stabbed in the face with a spear and then hamstrung, the tribe attacked with sticks and eskrima'ed him to death in a display so brutal, the Spaniards executed anybody they caught practicing eskrima for 450 years. It only survived because it was disguised as a dance. A disturbingly violent cockfight of a dance.

#1. Krav Maga

Country of Origin: Israel

Israel/Judea/Palestine is the most plundered, conquered, occupied, and all around screwed-with chunk of land on the face of this planet, and the Jews have been systematically brutalized by so many nations that in most parts of the world it's considered weird not to hate them. It should therefore come as no surprise to anybody that the most vicious martial art in the world originates from there.

It was originally invented in the 1930s by a Czechoslovakian Jew named Imrich Lichtenfeld to be used by Jews to defend themselves from Nazi militia, by beating the absolute piss out of them with their own weapons in a matter of seconds and then running before their screams of pain attracted any help.

In 1940, Lichtenfeld fled the Holocaust to what was then Palestine, and began teaching it to local militia. When Israel became a nation in 1948, they began teaching Krav Maga to the Israeli Defense Forces (IDF).

In addition to a lineup of particularly brutal holds, strikes, and take downs, they teach the use of the M-16 as a melee weapon and multiple, lightning fast ways to take a gun away from an opponent and then kill him with it.

Krav Maga in Action:

The basic tenets of Krav Maga require you to assume that your opponent always has another weapon hidden somewhere on his body and both the intent and will to drag you off and torture you to death. It also encourages you to avoid dragging out a fight at all costs by breaking your opponent into multiple, small pieces and, if necessary, running away.

While basic Krav Maga requires you to take on multiple, knife wielding opponents in close quarters, as well as being able to kill anybody who tries to hijack your bus or take you hostage, there is a more advanced course, taught to the Mossad, Shin Bet, and the Israeli special forces. It teaches you how to clear a building full of terrorists with an M-16 and no bullets, as well as how to use pistols in ways that would make John Woo proud.

Without a doubt, Krav Maga is the single most compelling reason to keep your job at Blockbuster instead of taking up a life of crime in Israel. And if you still need convincing, let's just say that it's the only real martial art listed in the "see also" section of Wikipedia's entry on Gun Kata.

For more proof that foreign people are vortexes of barely controlled rage, check out The 9 Most Devastating Insults From Around the World. Or for some website names that might mean something in a foreign language, watch an ad that proves All Domain Names Are Not Created Equal.

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