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#3.
FDR Abandons Poland
Why He's Awesome: Franklin Delano Roosevelt was a lot like Professor X: sure he was in a wheelchair, but his brain could beat up your brain without breaking a sweat. He lost his legs as a young man, but didn't let that stop him from becoming the only president to ever serve more than two terms (he served four, thus making him twice as good as any other president). As president, FDR had to deal with a double-threat unlike any other: he had to punch Hitler in the face with one hand and strangle the Great Depression with the other. Somehow, he did both, and made it look goddamned classy. Yessir, nothing was impossible for FDR, expect for averting the slaughter of thousands of Polish citizens.
Wait, What the Fuck? Roosevelt formed powerful strategic alliances with various world leaders, including Churchill, Kai-Shek, and a mustachioed cossack named Stalin. And just to clarify, yes, that is the same Stalin who ended up killing more people than Hitler. When it became clear that the Allied Forces were going to defeat Nazi Germany, these world leaders started talking about their post-war plans for Europe. Stalin's plans apparently included becoming the Magneto to FDR's Professor X, and he demanded that the borders of Poland be redrawn in such a way that he ended up controlling a good portion of it. Roosevelt smiled politely and shrugged.
It wasn't long before FDR totally lost control of the negotiations, and Stalin ended up sitting on much of Eastern Europe. Roosevelt hoped that more negotiations could salvage the situation, which is about as advisable as trying to gamble your way out of gambling debt. He must have had a funny idea of salvaging the situation, because out of his desperation to maintain a good relationship with a mass murderer, he did two very stupid things. First, he refused Winston Churchill's suggestion that they aid Polish troops in their fight against the Soviet puppet government. Second, he actually suppressed a report that blamed the Katyn massacre (in which 22,000 Poles were murdered) on the Soviets.
But on the plus side, FDR's show of good will towards the Soviet Union assured several decades of completely peaceful, tension-free friendship between the nations. Other than all the times we almost went to war and obliterated the planet. #2.
Harry Truman Tries to Mail Strikers to Japan
Why He's Awesome: Truman has been graced with a recent revival in popularity similar to Journey's. He's the guy who desegregated the armed forces, ended World War II, and waged an unpopular Korean War. Besides that, he's best known for being the most unpopular president (up until our current one). Of course unpopularity gives you street cred when you turn out to be right about the stuff they hate you for. Today, historians rank Truman as one of the top 10 presidents of all-time. He might have ranked higher, if he hadn't tried to bust up a strike by drafting union members in the military. Wait, What the Fuck? In 1946, a massive railway strike basically crippled the country's railroads, in an era when trains were crucial for shipping goods and providing settings for murder and sexy espionage. Pushed to the edge, Truman did what any reasonable person would: he told the strikers that if they didn't accept a settlement, he was going to fit them for some camo pants and ship them off to boot camp.
And in case they thought he was bluffing, he actually delivered a speech to Congress requesting the authority to do so (he probably should have checked to see if he had the authority before he started making threats in the first place). In a cagey move of tactical negotiations, the workers decided they'd rather go back to work than get shot at in a foreign country, and relented mid-speech. Thus Truman ended what could be the most lopsided game of chicken in our nation's long history of accomplished bullying. #1.
JFK Causes a Blood-Ba'ath
Why He's Awesome: Beloved by average Americans and conspiracy theorists alike, JFK was charismatic, intelligent, and in televised debates made Richard Nixon look like Quasimodo. In his finest hour, he managed to talk the Soviet Union down from a full-scale nuclear war. And, in case this ever comes up in a game of Trivial Pursuit, he is also the only American President to ever win a Pulitzer Prize. Hell, the man even banged Marilyn Monroe.
On the scale of presidential infidelities, that's worth like 500 Lewinskies. Then, when he was tragically gunned down in Texas in 1963, his fate was forever sealed as an American legend. Unfortunately, not everything in the legacy was positive. Some of it was actually kind of, well, negative. Like for instance the part of it named Saddam Hussein. Wait, What the Fuck? In 1963, Kennedy and his administration decided that a fun way to spend the afternoon would be to support a coup against the Iraqi government. The country's pro-Western monarchy had been overthrown several years earlier, and after some intense debate and a couple quickies with Marilyn Monroe, Kennedy decided to back a coup by Abdul Salam Arif.
He seemed like a good candidate, considering that he hated Communists and loved America. So, under Kennedy's instruction, the CIA sent thousands of weapons to Arif, as well as providing him with lists of suspected Communists. Then everyone feigned surprise when Arif and his cronies used their newfound firepower to slaughter thousands of these so-called Communists. You're probably wondering where Saddam Hussein fits into this. He was an enforcer for Arif's Ba'athist Party, and personally helped out with the slaughter. Later, he became the head of the party, and dictator of Iraq.
But really, how could JFK have known? These things usually work out so well! In honor of this article on presidents, allow us to be total hypocrites and explain why some of these six are The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time. Or, if you'd prefer we douse you with more hater-ade, check out Gladstone's 5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity. |
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I thought Truman allowing the dropping of the atomic bomb on Japanese "civilians" a greater crime against humanity, unless we are not counting the Japanese as humans.
I'm from colombia and what is written down in the Roosevelt part is pretty much true...In addition, its really nice to see a rare ocassion when a person from the U.S. writes COLOMBIA properly (not COLUMBIA like the canadian territory)
Beliefunwrought (I swear I am done for real this time) The Japanese citizens fought to the death and committed suicide because they were told through their media sources that, should they be captured by American forces, they would be raped, tortured, or sold into slavery. The whole "death before dishonor" thing actually played a relatively minor role. They were just afraid because as everyone knows, Americans are a bunch of baby eating rape-machines.
Silverwolf, The British were not trying to mediate to reach a peaceful conclusion. The British were trying to mediate because the U.S civil war was hurting them financially. They openly supported the south because the south produced cheap cotton, which they needed for their textile industry. With the South fighting instead of growing, the Brits weren't making any money.
Any negotiations made under British mediation would have favored the south considerably and would have been temporary at best.
I am not going to pretend that I know Taney's motives in the Dred Scott case, however tensions in the south at the time were pretty high and if they had given Scott his freedom the South would have been in uproar. Like I said, I don't know his motives but I suspect that at least one of them was to prevent war, in which case he failed epically but that is beside the point.
Of course it is much easier to assume that he was a bare faced racist bastard
Reagan? Bush?? This list is only supposed to include crimes by *great* presidents...
Of course, all these guys are small potatoes compared to William McKinley.
The first outright U.S. Imperialist.
George W. Bush.
This list ain't worth s**t.
OK: So this article is clearly intended to be bait but:
There are SOOO many errors and logical Phallus' to know where to start. Clearly history is not the authors forte.
Truman.. without "Bed-time for Bonzo" Ronny Ray-Gun ?? The dolt who never missed an opportunity to call up Noriega so Bush I could use CIA planes to import a little Cocaine ... Let's not forget funding Nun-murdering Mercenaries with this CIA Narco-traffic.... OOPsi.. Noriega might squeal on Bushie so better start a war with Panama and arrest Bush's pusher...
Where DID those darn "Stingers" go again??
Humor (?), better luck next time...
Don't give up your day job.
John Adams, "founder of Democracy"? I think some Greeks would have something to say about that (if they weren't long dead)
I wonder if when Sadaam took office, he put his hands forward like he was shooting a jumper while a referee made the "And one!" gesture.
I like this except for the Taney bit. Yes, he was dangerous. Fortunately he is not nearly so famous as the man he tried so desperately to screw, Dred Scott. Really, I defy anyone to familiarize themselves with that decision and not loathe Chief Justice Roger Taney as a threat to America. Handing down decisions on issues the court is not even considering, now *that* is an "activist judge."
Then I recommend joining up in a non-sheltered English class, because it took me less than a minute.
Everybody! Just stop writing aparagraph! Especially you Silverwolf! It took me half an hour just to read your paragraphs! I happen to be one of the fastest readers in my class! Ha!
For most of the guys on that list, it is just the tip of the iceberg. Seriously, how do you leave out Lincoln's support of Sherman's scotched earth policy not get mentioned (I would ask at what point randomly burning people's houses, businesses, and farms while killing an estimated 50,000 people qualifies some one as a hero, but then I remembered Nagasaki and Hiroshima... speaking of which Mr. Truman- though to quip belieffunwrought is right. Lots of little bombs can be just as bad as one big one)? Or the fact that originally he wanted to send the freed slaves to the amazon? Or how he tried to pick a fight with the UK for actually trying to mediate between him and the South and reach a peaceful conclusion? Damn meddling British. This also doesn't even begin to touch on the fact that Sand Creek occurred on his watch (barely) and he just kinda shrugged his shoulders.
What about FDR? Type in Japanese American 1942 into a search engine or wikipedia right now. He tried suspected (white) Axis sympathizers by military tribunal in secret and made it illegal to own gold during the depression. I mean, Jesus Christ. We give Bush a bad time?
And how Woodrow Wilson and the Creel Commission didn't get on there baffles me. I mean seriously... they checked people's mail with out a warrant and then arrested 175,000 people.
To be fair, Teddy Roosevelt's crime wasn't all that bad. And JFK's... what post WWII American president didn't do something like that?
With Adams and Wilson, at least they aren't constantly considered to be great American heroes like FDR and Lincoln. I mean, with people like that being hailed as great American leaders is it any wonder Bush isn't worried about history looking poorly on him? All you have to do is not be caught in an obvious scandal like Nixon and be leader during a great trial in our history like the Civil War, World War II, or... you know. After a bunch of psychos fly airplanes into buildings and kill nearly three thousand people. History will smooth over the bumpy unconstitutional parts.
>that is the same Stalin who ended up killing more people than Hitler
Figures please.
Also, Stalin personally devoured 18.7 million innocent babies. Give or take a million.
Yeah fire bombing is totally more humane than atomic weapons. Just look at Dresden. Especially when you fire bomb cities that are basically made out of paper. Not to mention the Japanese tendency to fight to the death or jump off then end of an island into the ocean rather than surrender. It would have been much better if we hadn't dropped 2 atomic bombs. Who needs the Japanese anyways right?
@manleyart roflmao
You didn't say anything about Truman dropping 2 atomic bombs on Japan, which of course saved many American lives, but killed hundreds of thousands of people at that time and rearranged the DNA of future generations of humanity. Firebombing, like what was done to Tokyo, would have been a better way to go.
Also, it doesn't make you smarter.
And here we are, making it worse!
Let's ruin Disney again!
Killer Kowalski wasn't already dead?!?
These bums are better than you.
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