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6 Great US Presidents and Their Crimes Against Humanity
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#3.
FDR Abandons Poland
Why He's Awesome: Franklin Delano Roosevelt was a lot like Professor X: sure he was in a wheelchair, but his brain could beat up your brain without breaking a sweat. He lost his legs as a young man, but didn't let that stop him from becoming the only president to ever serve more than two terms (he served four, thus making him twice as good as any other president). As president, FDR had to deal with a double-threat unlike any other: he had to punch Hitler in the face with one hand and strangle the Great Depression with the other. Somehow, he did both, and made it look goddamned classy. Yessir, nothing was impossible for FDR, expect for averting the slaughter of thousands of Polish citizens.
Wait, What the Fuck? Roosevelt formed powerful strategic alliances with various world leaders, including Churchill, Kai-Shek, and a mustachioed cossack named Stalin. And just to clarify, yes, that is the same Stalin who ended up killing more people than Hitler. When it became clear that the Allied Forces were going to defeat Nazi Germany, these world leaders started talking about their post-war plans for Europe. Stalin's plans apparently included becoming the Magneto to FDR's Professor X, and he demanded that the borders of Poland be redrawn in such a way that he ended up controlling a good portion of it. Roosevelt smiled politely and shrugged.
It wasn't long before FDR totally lost control of the negotiations, and Stalin ended up sitting on much of Eastern Europe. Roosevelt hoped that more negotiations could salvage the situation, which is about as advisable as trying to gamble your way out of gambling debt. He must have had a funny idea of salvaging the situation, because out of his desperation to maintain a good relationship with a mass murderer, he did two very stupid things. First, he refused Winston Churchill's suggestion that they aid Polish troops in their fight against the Soviet puppet government. Second, he actually suppressed a report that blamed the Katyn massacre (in which 22,000 Poles were murdered) on the Soviets.
But on the plus side, FDR's show of good will towards the Soviet Union assured several decades of completely peaceful, tension-free friendship between the nations. Other than all the times we almost went to war and obliterated the planet. #2.
Harry Truman Tries to Mail Strikers to Japan
Why He's Awesome: Truman has been graced with a recent revival in popularity similar to Journey's. He's the guy who desegregated the armed forces, ended World War II, and waged an unpopular Korean War. Besides that, he's best known for being the most unpopular president (up until our current one). Of course unpopularity gives you street cred when you turn out to be right about the stuff they hate you for. Today, historians rank Truman as one of the top 10 presidents of all-time. He might have ranked higher, if he hadn't tried to bust up a strike by drafting union members in the military. Wait, What the Fuck? In 1946, a massive railway strike basically crippled the country's railroads, in an era when trains were crucial for shipping goods and providing settings for murder and sexy espionage. Pushed to the edge, Truman did what any reasonable person would: he told the strikers that if they didn't accept a settlement, he was going to fit them for some camo pants and ship them off to boot camp.
And in case they thought he was bluffing, he actually delivered a speech to Congress requesting the authority to do so (he probably should have checked to see if he had the authority before he started making threats in the first place). In a cagey move of tactical negotiations, the workers decided they'd rather go back to work than get shot at in a foreign country, and relented mid-speech. Thus Truman ended what could be the most lopsided game of chicken in our nation's long history of accomplished bullying. #1.
JFK Causes a Blood-Ba'ath
Why He's Awesome: Beloved by average Americans and conspiracy theorists alike, JFK was charismatic, intelligent, and in televised debates made Richard Nixon look like Quasimodo. In his finest hour, he managed to talk the Soviet Union down from a full-scale nuclear war. And, in case this ever comes up in a game of Trivial Pursuit, he is also the only American President to ever win a Pulitzer Prize. Hell, the man even banged Marilyn Monroe.
On the scale of presidential infidelities, that's worth like 500 Lewinskies. Then, when he was tragically gunned down in Texas in 1963, his fate was forever sealed as an American legend. Unfortunately, not everything in the legacy was positive. Some of it was actually kind of, well, negative. Like for instance the part of it named Saddam Hussein. Wait, What the Fuck? In 1963, Kennedy and his administration decided that a fun way to spend the afternoon would be to support a coup against the Iraqi government. The country's pro-Western monarchy had been overthrown several years earlier, and after some intense debate and a couple quickies with Marilyn Monroe, Kennedy decided to back a coup by Abdul Salam Arif.
He seemed like a good candidate, considering that he hated Communists and loved America. So, under Kennedy's instruction, the CIA sent thousands of weapons to Arif, as well as providing him with lists of suspected Communists. Then everyone feigned surprise when Arif and his cronies used their newfound firepower to slaughter thousands of these so-called Communists. You're probably wondering where Saddam Hussein fits into this. He was an enforcer for Arif's Ba'athist Party, and personally helped out with the slaughter. Later, he became the head of the party, and dictator of Iraq.
But really, how could JFK have known? These things usually work out so well! In honor of this article on presidents, allow us to be total hypocrites and explain why some of these six are The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time. Or, if you'd prefer we douse you with more hater-ade, check out Gladstone's 5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity. |
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Wow, this is the first ever Cracked article I haven't made it through. Why not at least fix the obvious grammatical errors and typos?
Strange decision to write about Truman's break-up of a strike, and not his entrance in the Korean War, of his dropping of the two atom bombs, or laying the foundation of the Vietnam War or his premature recognition of Israel despite strong objections from close advisers just to get Jewish votes, or his backpedaling from on FDR's vision of de-colonization.
Foreign policy-wise, Truman was a hundred times worse than Bush Jr. could ever be.
There are so many things wrong with the Lincoln part of this page. First of all, suspending the writ of habeas corpus is allowed in the Constitution. During times of rebellion and invasion. I think the South seceding is illustrative of rebellion.
Secondly, a writ of habeas corpus does not prevent the government from ‘tossing anyone they want in jail without a trial.’ It is a summons with the force of a court order addressed to the custodian (such as a prison official) demanding that a prisoner be brought before the court. The court then decides if the custodian has lawful authority to hold the prisoner. If not, then the prisoner must be released. Typically, habeas corpus proceedings are to determine whether the court which imposed sentence on the defendant had jurisdiction and authority to do so, or whether the defendant's sentence has expired.
It does not suspend a prisoner’s right to a trial, which is sanctioned in the 6th Amendment.
Thirdly, Ex parte Merryman was a circuit court decision, not a Supreme Court decision, although it was heard by then-Chief Justice Taney (this was during the time when Supreme Court Justices still ‘rode the circuit.’) Circuit court decisions only hold authority within that circuit. And Maryland was not the only area in which habeas corpus had been suspended.
Lincoln still would have been able to sign a warrant for Taney’s arrest even if he hadn’t suspended habeas corpus.
Oh, and one other thing. Kai-Shek is his first name, not his surname. In Chinese the surname goes first.
None of these were even remotely crimes against humanity, but I guess "6 Accounts Presidential Douchebaggery" wasn't as eye-catching.
Well, this article is only 9 months old. Don't correct any of the typos. Not even the ones in the headline. Ug, amateur hour.
Ah, nice. I see we've got the crew that learned history by reading Ann Coulter showing up in the comments. Good stuff. I suppose having a few loud, retarded people provides a nice counterpoint.
Hey, Seraphiel, throwing in Woodrow Wilson would be admitting to him being somehow a great president (which he wasn't). I mean, he did give us the 14 Points (that were a load of crap) and the precursor to the UN, aka the League of Nations (aka The League of Impotence)
That french guy was all but called a moron when he brought his plan before Teddy Roosevelt. So to convince America that they should do this he single handedly started that civil war and had his wife make Panama's flag. Then he managed to convince Teddy to take advantage of this little opportunity.
blah...
also, FDR didn't strangle the great depression so much as give it a back massage and some anabolic steroids
you are forgetting the one where woodrow wilson set up groups of people to beat the s**t out of those citizens who criticized WWI and put them into prisons (ignoring habeas corpus) for simply voicing doubts about the war effort
and openly criticizing the idea of a constitution to limit the power of the government
oh, and he called ethnic groups enemies of the state
"a lot of nonsense has been talked about the inalienable rights of the individual, and a great deal that was mere vague sentiment and pleasing speculation has been put forward as fundamental principle."
"Men are as clay in the hands of the consummate leader."
just two telling quotes from the first fascist president whom everyone forgets
England is a democratic rebuplic just like america things have to be put to a vote in parliment like they do in congress but the people (should, we have been robbed of it at the moment but democracy should be reinstalled this year) have a vote on who has the most power.
It was never a Democracy. In fact, a Democracy was exactly what the Founding Fathers were trying to avoid.
@arGumENTor
He's right, it's a democracy dude. I think England is a republic though... not sure... Nice name by the way.
Actually, our formal system is a democratic republic, dumbass. We are comprised on the systems of direct democracy (from Athens, the people vote) and republics (from Rome, the people elected leaders to make decisions for them). We do both here, although this place is more of a republic is more often referred to as a republic, even by members of the government.
Ummmmm. ABout #6... The USA is a REPUBLIC, NOT a democracy. There's a huge difference. Do your homework s**t for brains.
The Japanese had already opened discussions with the USSR for surrender. The nukes ensured that the US would dominate discussions of postwar Japan; they scared the hell out of the Soviets; they provided a real-life test for the bombs; and they punished the "Nips" for wartime atrocities. It had nothing to do with saving lives.
Turbo...you're an idiot. Nearly 100,000 Japanese civilians died in the two atomic bombings. That's the same number of the estimated Allied casualties in the FIRST DAY of the proposed invasion of Japan. Not to mention the fact that every Japanese civilian was given a basic combat training and expected to defend the home islands to the death. Truman saved lives by dropping the bombs. Plus, there never would have been a Hiroshima if there had not been a Pearl Harbor first.
Turbo...you're an idiot. Nearly 100,000 Japanese civilians died in the two atomic bombings. That's the same number of the estimated Allied casualties in the FIRST DAY of the proposed invasion of Japan. Not to mention the fact that every Japanese civilian was given a basic combat training and expected to defend the home islands to the death. Truman saved lives by dropping the bombs. Plus, there never would have been a Hiroshima if there had not been a Pearl Harbor first.
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FDR (and Churchill)'s selling out the Poles is more understandable given the context of the strategic situation. The Eastern Front was twenty time the scale of the Western Front. The Soviet's military strength was s**t scary. FDR didn't have the confidence to inform Churchill we were working on the bomb until like the middle of the Malta Conference. And, even then the thinking on the bomb was that it would be basically a really big bomb. No one had any idea of the game changer it actually would be. There may be something to be said for standing up for one's principles; but FDR and Churchill would've been thinking they'd have a hard enough time holding onto the western world, let alone eastern Europe.