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History books tend to be kind to American presidents, often overlooking some pretty dick-ish behavior. It's a pretty tough job, so they probably deserve a break once in a while. But some historical anecdotes seem like they were omitted to avoid classrooms full of weeping, terrified children. In fact, it turns out that even the greatest presidents have some scary-ass skeletons in the closet. #6.
John Adams, Founder of (and Enemy of) Democracy
Why He's Awesome: This charming founding father was the second president. Before that he served as George Washington's vice president and helped author the Declaration of Independence. After that he got his own HBO miniseries starring the whiny dude from Sideways. The series seems to argue that Adams was totally the most underrated founding father, and that it might have been his face on the dollar bill if our nation didn't hate short ugly people so much. Oh, did we mention that he started violating the Constitution before the ink even dried on his signature? Wait, What the Fuck? When Adams found himself in the middle of an undeclared war with France in 1798, he did what any president would have done: built up the army, oversaw the construction of warships, and raised taxes. Then he went a step further and ate the Constitution.
Adams passed the Alien and Sedition Acts, which said American citizens were no longer allowed to say anything negative about the government, or its officials. The president could also deport any individual who was from France, or really any individual who someone heard say something nice about France.
We can only imagine what John Adams thought of fellow founding father Benjamin Franklin, who spent much of the time after the American revolution banging fine-ass French shorties. #5.
Abraham Lincoln Screws Habeas Corpus, Never Calls Back
Why He's Awesome: Lincoln might be the most revered president in United States history. Not only did the guy end slavery in the US, but he also reunited the country after the bloodiest war in its history. And he did it all while uttering a string of sage proverbs and sporting the bitchingest hat/beard combo this side of ZZ Top. So what if, during the course of the war, he nearly arrested a Supreme Court justice for not agreeing with him? Wait, What the Fuck? Well, Chief Justice Roger Taney would have had plenty of company in the Thought Crimes ward during the Lincoln administration. In response to some rioting in the Union, Lincoln suspended the writ of Habeas Corpus, that little piece of legal trivia that prevents the government from tossing anyone they want in jail without a trial. That meant that Lincoln had the authority to round up 18,000 suspected Confederate sympathizers and put them away.
Or he would have had the authority, if it weren't for the damn Constitution. In the court case Ex parte Merryman, Staney ruled that Lincoln couldn't suspend habeas corpus. Lincolns response? He signed a warrant for Taneys arrest (if some records from the time are to be believed). Of course he never would have gotten away with it, if he hadn't suspended habeas corpus! Which, if you think about it, proves Taney wrong, albeit in the most retarded way possible. Take that, law!
The arrest warrant was never served, as the story goes that Lincoln changed his mind and aborted beforehand. If he hadn't, who knows, it could be some other asshole on the five dollar bill. #4.
Teddy Roosevelt and the France Double-Team Panama
Why He's Awesome: Teddy Roosevelt is pretty much the manliest creature to have ever existed, all the more so because he didn't start out that way. Born with only two of the eight testicles that he would possess by the end of his life, Roosevelt spent his early childhood as an asthmatic nerd, but through a strict exercise regimen and sheer force of testostotastic will, he managed to grow up into one mean rough-riding, trust-busting son-of-a-bitch. His presidency was defined mostly by battles against corruption, racism, general badassery, and teaming up with a French to rip off the entire country of Colombia.
Wait, What the Fuck? So the United States wanted to build a canal in the province of Colombia called Panama. After some intense negotiations, a treaty between the two countries was signed, but Colombia's Senate rejected it and asked for $10 million more than what had been previously agreed upon. That's where Philippe-Jean Bunau Varilla comes in. Varilla was a French lobbyist, and the proud owner of what scientists have determined to be the most ridiculously French name in history.
Varilla came to the White House and convinced Roosevelt that the best way to get around the Colombian Senate's obstinacy was to start fucking with Colombia's domestic politics in a big way. See, at the time, Panama was considering seceding from Colombia, and Roosevelt decided that in order to get what he wanted, he was going to have to become that country's anti-Lincoln and get some Panamanians civil-warring. When Panama officially announced that it's independence, Roosevelt sent the USS Nashville to block the Colombian navy from interfering. And thus an independent country was born. Well, independent from Colombia, anyway. Varilla now wriggled his oily little mustache into becoming the newly independent Panama's ambassador to the US.
Two weeks after Roosevelt and some French guy stole Panama ... er, after Panama declared independence from Colombia, Varilla signed the Hay-Bunau Varilla treaty and sold the Panama Canal Zone to the United States without the permission of a single actual resident of Panama, none of whom ever trusted a man with a mustache again. |
Silverwolf, The British were not trying to mediate to reach a peaceful conclusion. The British were trying to mediate because the U.S civil war was hurting them financially. They openly supported the south because the south produced cheap cotton, which they needed for their textile industry. With the South fighting instead of growing, the Brits weren't making any money.
Any negotiations made under British mediation would have favored the south considerably and would have been temporary at best.
I am not going to pretend that I know Taney's motives in the Dred Scott case, however tensions in the south at the time were pretty high and if they had given Scott his freedom the South would have been in uproar. Like I said, I don't know his motives but I suspect that at least one of them was to prevent war, in which case he failed epically but that is beside the point.
Of course it is much easier to assume that he was a bare faced racist bastard
Reagan? Bush?? This list is only supposed to include crimes by *great* presidents...
Of course, all these guys are small potatoes compared to William McKinley.
The first outright U.S. Imperialist.
George W. Bush.
This list ain't worth s**t.
OK: So this article is clearly intended to be bait but:
There are SOOO many errors and logical Phallus' to know where to start. Clearly history is not the authors forte.
Truman.. without "Bed-time for Bonzo" Ronny Ray-Gun ?? The dolt who never missed an opportunity to call up Noriega so Bush I could use CIA planes to import a little Cocaine ... Let's not forget funding Nun-murdering Mercenaries with this CIA Narco-traffic.... OOPsi.. Noriega might squeal on Bushie so better start a war with Panama and arrest Bush's pusher...
Where DID those darn "Stingers" go again??
Humor (?), better luck next time...
Don't give up your day job.
John Adams, "founder of Democracy"? I think some Greeks would have something to say about that (if they weren't long dead)
I wonder if when Sadaam took office, he put his hands forward like he was shooting a jumper while a referee made the "And one!" gesture.
I like this except for the Taney bit. Yes, he was dangerous. Fortunately he is not nearly so famous as the man he tried so desperately to screw, Dred Scott. Really, I defy anyone to familiarize themselves with that decision and not loathe Chief Justice Roger Taney as a threat to America. Handing down decisions on issues the court is not even considering, now *that* is an "activist judge."
Then I recommend joining up in a non-sheltered English class, because it took me less than a minute.
Everybody! Just stop writing aparagraph! Especially you Silverwolf! It took me half an hour just to read your paragraphs! I happen to be one of the fastest readers in my class! Ha!
For most of the guys on that list, it is just the tip of the iceberg. Seriously, how do you leave out Lincoln's support of Sherman's scotched earth policy not get mentioned (I would ask at what point randomly burning people's houses, businesses, and farms while killing an estimated 50,000 people qualifies some one as a hero, but then I remembered Nagasaki and Hiroshima... speaking of which Mr. Truman- though to quip belieffunwrought is right. Lots of little bombs can be just as bad as one big one)? Or the fact that originally he wanted to send the freed slaves to the amazon? Or how he tried to pick a fight with the UK for actually trying to mediate between him and the South and reach a peaceful conclusion? Damn meddling British. This also doesn't even begin to touch on the fact that Sand Creek occurred on his watch (barely) and he just kinda shrugged his shoulders.
What about FDR? Type in Japanese American 1942 into a search engine or wikipedia right now. He tried suspected (white) Axis sympathizers by military tribunal in secret and made it illegal to own gold during the depression. I mean, Jesus Christ. We give Bush a bad time?
And how Woodrow Wilson and the Creel Commission didn't get on there baffles me. I mean seriously... they checked people's mail with out a warrant and then arrested 175,000 people.
To be fair, Teddy Roosevelt's crime wasn't all that bad. And JFK's... what post WWII American president didn't do something like that?
With Adams and Wilson, at least they aren't constantly considered to be great American heroes like FDR and Lincoln. I mean, with people like that being hailed as great American leaders is it any wonder Bush isn't worried about history looking poorly on him? All you have to do is not be caught in an obvious scandal like Nixon and be leader during a great trial in our history like the Civil War, World War II, or... you know. After a bunch of psychos fly airplanes into buildings and kill nearly three thousand people. History will smooth over the bumpy unconstitutional parts.
>that is the same Stalin who ended up killing more people than Hitler
Figures please.
Also, Stalin personally devoured 18.7 million innocent babies. Give or take a million.
Yeah fire bombing is totally more humane than atomic weapons. Just look at Dresden. Especially when you fire bomb cities that are basically made out of paper. Not to mention the Japanese tendency to fight to the death or jump off then end of an island into the ocean rather than surrender. It would have been much better if we hadn't dropped 2 atomic bombs. Who needs the Japanese anyways right?
@manleyart roflmao
You didn't say anything about Truman dropping 2 atomic bombs on Japan, which of course saved many American lives, but killed hundreds of thousands of people at that time and rearranged the DNA of future generations of humanity. Firebombing, like what was done to Tokyo, would have been a better way to go.
Um, Reagan worse than Saddam? No, all of you retared liberals fail! It doesn't matter who's screwing who. That's going to happen anyway. What matters is why are you screwing someone and for who's sake. I'll take president willing to hit hard for me and the U.S.A. any day over a d*****t that allowed Osama to do those things listed because he cut funding for the CIA, cut military spending and then instead of launching an assault where it belonged, he... bombed the Chinese embassy? Way to go Clinton! And then apologizes? http://www.cnn.com/WORLD/europe/9905/10/kosovo.china.02/index.html
FDR didnt loose his legs dumbass he had polio
Like Benjamin Franklin said "He who will sacrifice his freedom for his safety will have neither." Or something like that.
Lobster rights? Good one!
Pot makes you a bloodthirsty homosexual pervert.
Take that, James Blunt!
They died like they lived: idiots.
Apparently, science likes sex as much as Cracked.
We know because people tried.
There's such a thing as wanting it too badly.
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Beliefunwrought (I swear I am done for real this time) The Japanese citizens fought to the death and committed suicide because they were told through their media sources that, should they be captured by American forces, they would be raped, tortured, or sold into slavery. The whole "death before dishonor" thing actually played a relatively minor role. They were just afraid because as everyone knows, Americans are a bunch of baby eating rape-machines.