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6 Great US Presidents and Their Crimes Against Humanity

By Ned Resnikoff, Peter Hildebrand September 2, 2008 521,134 views
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History books tend to be kind to American presidents, often overlooking some pretty dick-ish behavior. It's a pretty tough job, so they probably deserve a break once in a while. But some historical anecdotes seem like they were omitted to avoid classrooms full of weeping, terrified children.

In fact, it turns out that even the greatest presidents have some scary-ass skeletons in the closet.

#6.
John Adams, Founder of (and Enemy of) Democracy

Why He's Awesome:

This charming founding father was the second president. Before that he served as George Washington's vice president and helped author the Declaration of Independence. After that he got his own HBO miniseries starring the whiny dude from Sideways. The series seems to argue that Adams was totally the most underrated founding father, and that it might have been his face on the dollar bill if our nation didn't hate short ugly people so much.

Oh, did we mention that he started violating the Constitution before the ink even dried on his signature?

Wait, What the Fuck?

When Adams found himself in the middle of an undeclared war with France in 1798, he did what any president would have done: built up the army, oversaw the construction of warships, and raised taxes. Then he went a step further and ate the Constitution.


Adams, with his brand new Constitution Toilet Paper.

Adams passed the Alien and Sedition Acts, which said American citizens were no longer allowed to say anything negative about the government, or its officials. The president could also deport any individual who was from France, or really any individual who someone heard say something nice about France.

We can only imagine what John Adams thought of fellow founding father Benjamin Franklin, who spent much of the time after the American revolution banging fine-ass French shorties.

#5.
Abraham Lincoln Screws Habeas Corpus, Never Calls Back

Why He's Awesome:

Lincoln might be the most revered president in United States history. Not only did the guy end slavery in the US, but he also reunited the country after the bloodiest war in its history. And he did it all while uttering a string of sage proverbs and sporting the bitchingest hat/beard combo this side of ZZ Top.

So what if, during the course of the war, he nearly arrested a Supreme Court justice for not agreeing with him?

Wait, What the Fuck?

Well, Chief Justice Roger Taney would have had plenty of company in the Thought Crimes ward during the Lincoln administration. In response to some rioting in the Union, Lincoln suspended the writ of Habeas Corpus, that little piece of legal trivia that prevents the government from tossing anyone they want in jail without a trial. That meant that Lincoln had the authority to round up 18,000 suspected Confederate sympathizers and put them away.


"If I hear one more word about the Constitution I'm arresting this whole fucking country."

Or he would have had the authority, if it weren't for the damn Constitution. In the court case Ex parte Merryman, Staney ruled that Lincoln couldn't suspend habeas corpus. Lincolns response? He signed a warrant for Taneys arrest (if some records from the time are to be believed). Of course he never would have gotten away with it, if he hadn't suspended habeas corpus! Which, if you think about it, proves Taney wrong, albeit in the most retarded way possible. Take that, law!


"Arrest that man, he is incredibly dangerous!"

The arrest warrant was never served, as the story goes that Lincoln changed his mind and aborted beforehand. If he hadn't, who knows, it could be some other asshole on the five dollar bill.

#4.
Teddy Roosevelt and the France Double-Team Panama

Why He's Awesome:

Teddy Roosevelt is pretty much the manliest creature to have ever existed, all the more so because he didn't start out that way. Born with only two of the eight testicles that he would possess by the end of his life, Roosevelt spent his early childhood as an asthmatic nerd, but through a strict exercise regimen and sheer force of testostotastic will, he managed to grow up into one mean rough-riding, trust-busting son-of-a-bitch.

His presidency was defined mostly by battles against corruption, racism, general badassery, and teaming up with a French to rip off the entire country of Colombia.

Wait, What the Fuck?

So the United States wanted to build a canal in the province of Colombia called Panama. After some intense negotiations, a treaty between the two countries was signed, but Colombia's Senate rejected it and asked for $10 million more than what had been previously agreed upon.

That's where Philippe-Jean Bunau Varilla comes in. Varilla was a French lobbyist, and the proud owner of what scientists have determined to be the most ridiculously French name in history.

Varilla came to the White House and convinced Roosevelt that the best way to get around the Colombian Senate's obstinacy was to start fucking with Colombia's domestic politics in a big way. See, at the time, Panama was considering seceding from Colombia, and Roosevelt decided that in order to get what he wanted, he was going to have to become that country's anti-Lincoln and get some Panamanians civil-warring. When Panama officially announced that it's independence, Roosevelt sent the USS Nashville to block the Colombian navy from interfering. And thus an independent country was born.

Well, independent from Colombia, anyway. Varilla now wriggled his oily little mustache into becoming the newly independent Panama's ambassador to the US.

Two weeks after Roosevelt and some French guy stole Panama ... er, after Panama declared independence from Colombia, Varilla signed the Hay-Bunau Varilla treaty and sold the Panama Canal Zone to the United States without the permission of a single actual resident of Panama, none of whom ever trusted a man with a mustache again.

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313 Comments

Ah, nice. I see we've got the crew that learned history by reading Ann Coulter showing up in the comments. Good stuff. I suppose having a few loud, retarded people provides a nice counterpoint.

6/28/2009 1:07:33 AM
auslander

Hey, Seraphiel, throwing in Woodrow Wilson would be admitting to him being somehow a great president (which he wasn't). I mean, he did give us the 14 Points (that were a load of crap) and the precursor to the UN, aka the League of Nations (aka The League of Impotence)

6/23/2009 3:51:29 AM
potnpayday

That french guy was all but called a moron when he brought his plan before Teddy Roosevelt. So to convince America that they should do this he single handedly started that civil war and had his wife make Panama's flag. Then he managed to convince Teddy to take advantage of this little opportunity.

4/19/2009 5:56:09 PM
Humility

blah...

4/13/2009 11:29:49 AM
pacey

also, FDR didn't strangle the great depression so much as give it a back massage and some anabolic steroids

3/9/2009 11:10:40 PM
Seraphiel

you are forgetting the one where woodrow wilson set up groups of people to beat the s**t out of those citizens who criticized WWI and put them into prisons (ignoring habeas corpus) for simply voicing doubts about the war effort
and openly criticizing the idea of a constitution to limit the power of the government
oh, and he called ethnic groups enemies of the state

"a lot of nonsense has been talked about the inalienable rights of the individual, and a great deal that was mere vague sentiment and pleasing speculation has been put forward as fundamental principle."

"Men are as clay in the hands of the consummate leader."
just two telling quotes from the first fascist president whom everyone forgets

3/9/2009 11:01:49 PM
Seraphiel

England is a democratic rebuplic just like america things have to be put to a vote in parliment like they do in congress but the people (should, we have been robbed of it at the moment but democracy should be reinstalled this year) have a vote on who has the most power.

2/28/2009 4:45:03 PM
bluemooner1

It was never a Democracy. In fact, a Democracy was exactly what the Founding Fathers were trying to avoid.

2/7/2009 11:23:23 AM
Jedifreak

@arGumENTor
He's right, it's a democracy dude. I think England is a republic though... not sure... Nice name by the way.

1/26/2009 5:42:55 PM
UndeadMonkey

Actually, our formal system is a democratic republic, dumbass. We are comprised on the systems of direct democracy (from Athens, the people vote) and republics (from Rome, the people elected leaders to make decisions for them). We do both here, although this place is more of a republic is more often referred to as a republic, even by members of the government.

1/23/2009 10:29:50 PM
bellflower

Ummmmm. ABout #6... The USA is a REPUBLIC, NOT a democracy. There's a huge difference. Do your homework s**t for brains.

1/22/2009 3:34:28 PM
AuGmENTor

The Japanese had already opened discussions with the USSR for surrender. The nukes ensured that the US would dominate discussions of postwar Japan; they scared the hell out of the Soviets; they provided a real-life test for the bombs; and they punished the "Nips" for wartime atrocities. It had nothing to do with saving lives.

1/18/2009 12:30:54 PM
eamonn33

Turbo...you're an idiot. Nearly 100,000 Japanese civilians died in the two atomic bombings. That's the same number of the estimated Allied casualties in the FIRST DAY of the proposed invasion of Japan. Not to mention the fact that every Japanese civilian was given a basic combat training and expected to defend the home islands to the death. Truman saved lives by dropping the bombs. Plus, there never would have been a Hiroshima if there had not been a Pearl Harbor first.

1/18/2009 10:08:06 AM
captainjack

Turbo...you're an idiot. Nearly 100,000 Japanese civilians died in the two atomic bombings. That's the same number of the estimated Allied casualties in the FIRST DAY of the proposed invasion of Japan. Not to mention the fact that every Japanese civilian was given a basic combat training and expected to defend the home islands to the death. Truman saved lives by dropping the bombs. Plus, there never would have been a Hiroshima if there had not been a Pearl Harbor first.

1/18/2009 10:08:02 AM
captainjack

"When Panama officially announced that it's independence ..."

Ever heard of editors?

1/2/2009 6:11:10 PM
Blackbetta

I thought Truman allowing the dropping of the atomic bomb on Japanese "civilians" a greater crime against humanity, unless we are not counting the Japanese as humans.

12/16/2008 6:47:38 PM
Turbo

I'm from colombia and what is written down in the Roosevelt part is pretty much true...In addition, its really nice to see a rare ocassion when a person from the U.S. writes COLOMBIA properly (not COLUMBIA like the canadian territory)

12/15/2008 2:47:42 PM
esko85

Beliefunwrought (I swear I am done for real this time) The Japanese citizens fought to the death and committed suicide because they were told through their media sources that, should they be captured by American forces, they would be raped, tortured, or sold into slavery. The whole "death before dishonor" thing actually played a relatively minor role. They were just afraid because as everyone knows, Americans are a bunch of baby eating rape-machines.

11/12/2008 2:35:40 AM
hiwokakeru

Silverwolf, The British were not trying to mediate to reach a peaceful conclusion. The British were trying to mediate because the U.S civil war was hurting them financially. They openly supported the south because the south produced cheap cotton, which they needed for their textile industry. With the South fighting instead of growing, the Brits weren't making any money.
Any negotiations made under British mediation would have favored the south considerably and would have been temporary at best.

11/12/2008 2:29:49 AM
hiwokakeru

I am not going to pretend that I know Taney's motives in the Dred Scott case, however tensions in the south at the time were pretty high and if they had given Scott his freedom the South would have been in uproar. Like I said, I don't know his motives but I suspect that at least one of them was to prevent war, in which case he failed epically but that is beside the point.
Of course it is much easier to assume that he was a bare faced racist bastard

11/12/2008 2:20:30 AM
hiwokakeru

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