The 7 Crappiest "Super Heroes" in Comic Book History
What if instead of a radioactive spider, Peter Parker had been bitten by a radioactive butterfly? He'd be a freaking laughingstock, that's what.
Some ideas for "super heroes" should have never been spoken aloud, and when they were the creator should have been laughed out of the room, preferably through a tenth story window. Instead, seven of them were fitted with origin stories and sent to the presses giving us unintentional hilarity like:
#7.
Madam Fatal
Madam Fatal was Murder She Wrote in the 1940s if Murder She Wrote involved more criminals getting punched in the face by an octogenarian lady. So it's more like that episode of The Golden Girls where Bea Arthur has to rescue Sofia from the Mafia using only her muscular, mannish body and her experience as a female wrestler (it is entirely possible we dreamed this episode).
What Went Wrong?
But like all super heroes Madam Fatal has a secret. Her Mike Tyson-like knock out power is fueled not by hatred of whippersnappers, but by testicles. And no, she doesn't eat them for protein. Madam Fatal is a dude.
And really, who hasn't had a date that ended just like this? Stupid Craiglist.
The Madam's real name is Richard Stanton, a retired actor from New York, who dressed as a woman to rescue his daughter from some kidnappers. Richard liked it so much he decided to continue fighting crime using only his wits, face punching and acting abilities.
By "acting abilities" we of course mean dressing like a woman all the time. That's his superpower. He/she is a superhero in the same way that Mrs. Doubtfire was a superhero.
They could have made it less lame by, well, by doing anything. But more specifically, if the guy had used his super acting skills to disguise himself as a doctor, a policeman or as a fellow crook, using his amazing powers to disappear into any room. But no, Mister Stanton wrestles men while wearing old lady clothes. And we're guessing that when the crime fighting is over, well, he just leaves them on for a little while.
#6.
Dazzler
Imagine Olivia Newton John, circa "Xanadu", as a Marvel superhero. Now imagine her powers are really, really shitty. You got Dazzler!
Alison Blaire was a magna cum laude law student who decided to throw away her promising career for a chance of disco stardom. Who wouldn't? Besides you, us and everyone we know. So when does superheroing enters the scene? Well, turns out our plucky lawyer / disco sensation was a mutant who had the power to transform sound into light... and rollerskates.
What Went Wrong?
Turning sound into light is only useful if you are fighting Dracula in the middle of a construction site. But at least she has her music career going on for her, right?
OK, that's a no then.
You may be assuming this whole Dazzler thing was a product of the misguided disco era. You'd be wrong. Dazzler showed up in the early 80s, when all peoples of the world were trying to put disco behind them.
Like all great cultural icons, the character came about as a commission from a record company who wanted a superheroine singer with her own comic. If you wonder why you don't remember any Dazzler records, it's because the whole thing died before they got the chance. Casablanca records abandoned their end of the project by the time the first issue of Dazzler came out in 1981, presumably realizing how ludicrous the whole thing was.
Marvel, in the grand tradition of "Ah, fuck it, what do we have to lose?" began to publish the comic anyway, giving birth to the proud heroine we know as Dazzler.
#5.
US. 1
Ulysses Solomon Archer (U.S.A. get it? Get it?) fights evil in the highways of America in his pimped out truck to avenge the death of his brother, Jefferson Hercules Archer. At this point we can only theorize that their father had the impossibly awesome name of Washington Samson Archer McPornstar.
His brother, by the way, was murdered by a sinister trucker known as The Highwayman, who sold his soul to the devil for a satanic eighteen-wheeler (honest). U.S. 1 was Marvel's response to America's short love affair with trucks and truckers brought by movies such as Smokey and the Bandit and that TV series about a trucker and his pet monkey (it's unfortunately not possible that we dreamed this one; we Googled it).
What Went Wrong?
Because Marvel has a sense of timing on par with a wet fart right before match point at Wimbledon, the first issue of U.S. 1 came out in 1983, five years after Smokey and the Bandit, missing its cue even worse than Dazzler did. We assume they'll have a Lambada themed comic next year.
Even if they had published this comic back when it made sense to do so, we don't think the world was ready for a superpowered trucker. Oh yes, he had one superpower. In the same accident his brother lost his life, Ulysses skull was crushed and had to be replaced with a metal plate, which SOMEHOW allowed Ulysses to pick up CB transmissions.
Armed with this dubiously amazing ability, Ulysses tries to find the man who killed his brother. We don't know about you, but our money is on the guy with an eighteen-wheeler powered by Satan and not on the guy who saved himself 50 bucks on a CB radio.
#4.
The Red Bee
Rick Raleigh fights crime during the day as assistant district attorney of Superior City and fights crime... also during the day as the Red Bee, scourge of the underworld!
Sadly, we have not been able to find anything remotely close to an origin story for this guy, which is a shame because if anything needs an explanation it's those awful stripped tights and see-through sleeves. You know what, maybe it's better we don't know.
What Went Wrong?
You know how Batman doesn't actually fight crime with trained bats? And how Spider-Man actually stays away from actual spiders? Well the Red Bee said fuck that shit, and fights crime with bees... for real.
Not only that, but he keeps his favorite Bee and best friend, Michael, in a special compartment in his belt for special occasions. So think of Red Bee as an Aquaman, but limited to one insect, making him the scourge of people allergic to bees and villains who have never heard of insecticide.
You don't even need a fly swatter to beat this guy, just roll a magazine or a newspaper and kill Michael already.
Since there is no known origin for this guy, we can't tell you how he managed to train insects dumber than dirt that only live for a few months. We assume "Michael" gets changed pretty often after the old Michael gets a Viking funeral in the toilet. Even the creator of Red Bee is ashamed, he signed his work with the obviously phony name of B. H. Apiary (an apiary is a place where they breed bees. Get it!?!).
these guys would get their asses handed to them in a silver platter IF they come out on the next marvel v.s capcom
ReplyThe panel of the Red Bee freezing to death was actually kind of sad lol
ReplyAfter a bit of searching, I found out that it's a panel from Starman #37, which was published in 1997. The whole plot of the issue is Starman meeting the ghosts of dead heroes.
ReplyI am glad to check the article. I am a professional woman. I am just divorced. I lo ve younger men. I am dat ing a man who is 25 year old. he's caring, kind, has a real job that earns him good money and he is very attractive. I think younger men like cougars because they have no agenda, don't usually want to get married and are usually very independent and don't need a man to take care of them.I meet the younger men on this place COUGARKISS,C 0 M.
PEOPLE'S SPINES DO NOT BEND THAT WAY.
chill cookepuss, chill!
ReplyYou don't have to read it, bro
I can agree with all of these except Dazzler. Sure her origins might have been lame but she was pretty decent in the X-Men comics. Not great per se, but decent. If you really want to get into the lame/stupid/terrible superheroes, you gotta include Speedball, Quasar, SuperPro and a couple others I can't think of at the current moment.
ReplyYou're right about Dazzler. Once she ditched the roller skates and face paint, she actually turned out to be a very solid X-Man.
Claremont, back in his heyday, did some very good work with her. Character-wise, he crafted some strong relationship stories for her and Longshot, culminating in her pregnancy and its, as yet unexplained, retcon.
Power-wise, they showed her to be more than capable of just blinding her opponents. She could fire her light as pulsed lasers and even use it to simulate flight (during their Australia days). That her light emission capabilities were derived from ambient sound didn't prove to be a limitation either, as she learned to store energy for later use. Dazzler's hardly worthless.
It's just a shame that there are so many X-characters these days that she gets tossed to the background. It also doesn't help that they recently gave her the least memorable costume ever. For my money, Dazzler looked her best in that blue leotard with the big yellow light burst on the front.
SuperPro sucked. No doubt about that. He was right up there with Kickers, Inc. and Team America (Thunderiders). I can't quite agree with you on Speedball or Quasar though.
Having been Steve "Spider-Man" Ditko's last original creation for Marvel, Speedball actually turned out to be a fairly decent character over the years. Personality-wise, he's always been somewhere in-between Spider-Man and Iceman; the team joker who's not as stupid as he looks. As a power, bouncing, as I suggested in my Frog-Man tirade, is hardly a great one to have. However, Speedball actually made fairly good use out of it and was far more accurate.
A funny thing happened to Speedball some 6 years ago though. After having indirectly caused the death of hundreds of innocent people due to his immature behavior, Speedball was briefly sent to prison where he went all dark. As a result of the incident, his powers didn't function as they once had. Instead of him being able to bounce around, he was now able to redirect that kinetic energy as some extremely powerful concussive blasts. The downside was that, to activate his powers, he needed to be in physical pain.
In an attempt to pay for his sins, he had himself sealed in a costume that had hundreds of small spikes that dug right into his skin. It was then that he adopted the code name "Penance". This phase of the character's existence lasted for about 4 or 5 years. He eventually returned to the Speedball costume and code name, complete with the Penance power. He's still a fun character, but there's this extra layer of sadness and maturity added on. Speedball has come a long way in his nearly 25 year existence.
As far as Quasar goes..... Is he a Green Lantern rip-off? Definitely. Has he been guilty of the most egregious sin of mulletry? Most definitely. Still, as written, he was rarely ever a boring character. For one thing, he took over as protector of the universe once Captain Marvel died. Second, he took his orders from a weird living tree looking alien called Eon, who could only exist in your most insane nightmares. Eon was like Yoda with bark. Third, Quasar was one of the few Marvel characters who actually ever ventured off of Earth on a regular basis. Because of that, he had some of the wildest bad guys around.
Quasar has most recently been seen as a member of the Annihilators which, if you haven't read about them, are actually pretty badass. The team consisted of Quasar, Silver Surfer, Ronan the Accuser, Beta Ray Thor, Gladiator, a freakin Spaceknight, & Cosmo the telepathic dog, who was actually way more awesome than he sounds.
If you really need convincing how good either Quasar or Speedball could be, I suggest you pick up the following comics:
SPEEDBALL: New Warriors (the original Nicieza ongoin series and the last limited series with Scottie Young as penciler), Civil War (particularly that first issue), Civil War Front Line (his origin as Penance), and the CW era of Thunderbolts.
QUASAR: The first 30 issues of his ongoing were particularly great, after which he gets VERY 90s for a while. Also check out the recent Annihilation storyline, where he returned to being a slick cosmic badass.
ReplyMy 7 crappiest superheroes....
7. CAPTAIN ULTRA: He starts off okay. Aliens gave him the powers of superhuman strength, durability, reflexes, flight, & x-ray vision. Dang! He's off to a good start. If you're going to steal your character, Superman's not a bad source. He's even got intangibility. Screw you, Superman!! Then it kinda gets weird. He's got "ultra potential" that allows him to unlock certain mental abilities, including the ability to tell "ultra jokes". WTF?!?! Jerry Seinfeld, is this your doing? Okay. Calm down. Serenity now. Let's just have a look at him. BY RKYER'S BEARD!!! Who put his costume together? Stevie Wonder? So many colors and such a disjointed design. Guess he must be ultra color blind too. Oh, guess what? He's pyrophobic. That's right. He's afraid of fire. OMG! Aliens are attacking! Somebody, save the children from the burning orphanage! Captain Ultra! Thank god! Where are you going and why are you curling up into a ball on the floor? Are you crying? F** it. I'm calling 911.
6. FROG-MAN: We are not off to a good start here. The dude is dressed up like a giant frog. A giant frog with a speedo. What the?!? You can see his eyes through the frog's mouth. Is he a superhero or a kid's show act? *sigh* Fine. What are his powers? He jumps? Oh! Like a frog. Got it. Guess he must've been in that same lab accident as Speedball then. No? Whaddya mean he's got springs on his feet?!? Who the f** designed his costume, goddamn Wiley Coyote? This character is so bad that he once bucked to be Spider-Man's sidekick and only ever won battles by accidentally bouncing into them. Oh, yeah. He's fat. Not barrel chested. Straight up fat. That's right kids. With a little hard work, you too can be a idiot fat guy in a frog suit who bounces into crap thanks to the power of springs.
5. BUTTERBALL: Never fear! Butterball is here!!!! Oh, sh**! Another fatboy superhero. Who's designing this sh**? Kevin Smith? Please tell me there's more to this. Oh! Okay. He's got the power of invulnerability and resistance to energy attacks. Neato. Must come in handy with his super strength and... What? No super strength? Well THAT sucks! What other powers does he have? Oh, for the luvva!! He can run indefinitely without breaking a sweat?!? Let's recap. Don't let the invulnerability fool you. You can buy body armor and accomplish the same feat. Basically, Butterball is a fat kid with NO offensive powers whose best trait is that he can run away from battle. At least he looks stylish running away, right? Nope. His "costume" consists of cargo shorts, a blue t-shirt with "B" ironed onto it, and a red tie-on mask to his hide his shame.
4. FLATMAN: Take Mr. Fantastic and run over him with a steam roller. Ta-da!! Flatman! Not only is he unoriginal he's, well, flat. Turn him sideways and he's practically invisible. Not such a great power. Calista Flockart can do that too. On a team full of losers, the Great Lakes Initiative, he's about the loseriest of all. That's no short feat when his teammates consist of Big Bertha, Doorman, Mr. Immortal, & Squirrel Girl. That's right, he's worse than a supermodel who can gain weight quickly, a guy whose power is for people to walk through him like a door, a guy whose only power is to die and come back to life, and a teenaged girl with a tail. Good going, Flatman. You suck.
3. THE GRASSHOPPER: I love grasshoppers! Aren't the awesome? And here we have our first grasshopper-based superhero. He certainly looks cool. That metallic armor also has a mean sci-fi grasshopper look to it too. We know that he's a pretty gnarly jumper too. The name kinda says it. So... Who's he beaten lately? ... ... ... He's DEAD?! Before his first mission? ... ... ... Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. ... ... ... Please tell me somebody took up the mighty grasshopper mantle again. Please tell me that the costume didn't go to waste. Oh! Okay. Good. There's a Grasshopper II. YAY!!! WHATTHEF***?!?! He's dead too? No. Stop it. Stop tellng me to calm down! I will NOT calm down! Wait. What? There's a Grasshopper III? Oh, sweet Minerva! Oh, blessed baby Jebus! I can't wait to read all about him and see all of his... Deadpool killed him?!? *sob* Please make it stop. I'll be good. *sob*
2. D-MAN: Okay. A pro wrestler turns super hero. I can get with that. Body slam! Pile driver! He was trained by Captain America too? That's more like it. He's super strong and durable? What's that you say? He's schizophrenic? Well, that WOULD explain why he just stole Wolverine's costume and glued a D to the chest. It's also explain why he's homeless and smell like sh** too. Chin up! It can't be all that bad, right? He's super strong and was trained by Captain "F** Yeah" America. He can recover and beat anybody's @$$, right? Right? Oh.... He's got a heart condition. "You'll never win, Red Skull! Not while I live? Oooh! What's that strange tingling down my left arm? Whoooh! So hard to breathe. Wait. Just give me a minute. I need to sit down. I don't CARE if he's getting away! Can't you see that I'm having a heart attack? Oh. I feel so warm all of a sudden. Grandma? Is that you?"
1. GENERIC SUPERHERO: I am not making this up. Please. I implore you. Look this up. Marvel once put out a one-shot comic called "Generic Comic Book". Instead of boring you with my description of how much it sucks, allow me to quote the cover. "THIS COMIC CONTAINS: One neurotic Super-Hero type with a variety of personal problems; one bad-guy bent on world domination through arcane means; assorted villainous hench-people; the hero's nefarious employer, a pathetic family, and a well-endowed-girlfriendl; a plot containing a conflict, a subplot, a resolution, a plot twist, and as many fights as it takes to full up the rest of the pages." Yep. That's all on the cover. It's a veritable Madlibs of comic writing. Before you think that it can't get any worse, just google image up the character. He's got white hair, he wears a white domino mask, and his costume is all white. One fight and his costume is f***ed up. This guy will blow through his generic paycheck in a generic week. His powers? Kinda strong. Kinda fast. Pretty generic. Nobody more vanilla than this guy.
My 3 "better than you think" superheroes...
3. X-23: Awesome!!! They cloned Wolverine! Whaddya mean that he's now a she? And SHE is only 16 years old? No Adamantium skeleton either? Before you complain, wherease Wolverine was brainwashed into being a killer, X-23 was literally born and bred to be one. She was killing people before before first period and HER first period. (Bet that PMS is a b**ch.) She's emotionless, relentless, and can literally kick the crap out of you thanks to the reimplantation of two of her claws into her feet. She might be an Avengers trainee right now, but it wasn't too long ago that she was killing for the X-Men's covert hit squad, X-Force
2. CYPHER: Come! Meet the amazing mutant to speak and understand any language! Meet the mutant with the power of 1,000 college students! Meet the mutant whose power is seemingly so lame that it got him killed by a hail of gunfire. Okay. It gets better. Cypher was resurrected recently and, as it turns out, that power isn't so lame after all. Being able to intuit any language comes in pretty handy. For one thing, you can understand women way better than your friends. If he wanted to, Cypher could probably get laid with each Playboy Playmate this year. And in battle... Guess what? Body language is a thing. Cypher can anticipate your actions in combat and actually whup the crap out of you. Being mind-controlled, he actually had the ability to take down his entire X-Men squad; going so far as to even beat one of them with a crowbar. He's been kinda emo lately, but Cypher is potentially a walking can of crazy destruction if he wanted to be.
1. SQUIRREL GIRL: Grasshopper, I've met Squirrel Girl. You, sir, are NO Squirrel Girl. Forget the perpetually cheery disposition. Forget the puffy squirrel tail and the buckteeth. This is one potentially dangerous mutant. Currently a college student, Squirrel Girl is a one girl wrecking crew. She's got enhanced agility, reflexes, strength. Her tail is prehensile, meaning that she can grab stuff with it. She's got enhanced senses, razor sharp claws, and retractable knuckle spikes. She also has.... wait for it... the ability to communicate with squirrels. (Sounds stupid until you're facing down an army of 1,000 pissed off, rabid squirrels). And, for such a wacky looking character.... Look at who she's beaten in combat: Thanos. Dr. Doom. MODOK. Terrax. Fing Fang Foom. An army of nazi mechs. And... Wolverine. Yep. Squirrel Girl dropped logan on his @$$ in a sparring match. Just when he thought he had her, Logan found himself literally SURROUNDED by an army of glowy eyed forest creatures - all at Squirrel Girl's command. This chick has been mostly played for laughs in the past, but even the all seing Watcher has vouched for the legitimacy of her badassery. She's got a pretty loyal fanbase too. So much so that Bendis put her in New Avengers as the nanny/protector of Luke Cage cage's baby. (That's why SG beat up Wolverine, as her "interview" for the job.)
Holy s**t, dude! You could have done your OWN Cracked article (and I would have read it)! It fits the scheme and everything (7 even-crappier-than-crappiest superheroes). It's also good to see someone actually contributing to topic instead of b***h about something/someone. Well played, man.
I have that Black Condor book from my dad. The idea was so innocent yet a complete ripoff of Tarzan
ReplyMy picks:
ReplyAntman (The original one, not the one that later became Goliath)
NFL SuperPro ('Nuff said)
The Intergalactic Decorater (I swear to God, this is a real superhero)
Puck (He was a member of the X-Men back in the day. He had the strength of 2 or 3 average-sized people, but he had a s****y power move; he would jump off a wall, curl up into a ball in midair & would slam into people like a wrecking ball. It's a shame too, because he was a little person like me; very inspirational otherwise)
Puck was never a member of the X-Men. He was a member of Alpha Flight. As for him sucking.... He's Canadian. It's kinda what they do.
Another thing, the Ant-Man who later became Goliath WAS the original one, Hank Pym. In-between those two identities, he was also Yellowjacket, a version of himself that was just a touch insane and capable of smacking around his wife, Wasp.
I only disagree with Ralph Dibny. His origin is silly, but it's the Silver Age after all. By the time Identity Crisis and 52 came out, he really became a badass.
ReplyRed Bee see-through sleeves are bee wings. Get it?
ReplyAnyone else got it? I'm not sure, i haven't read 310 comments.
Also, my fill-in for the Robert Frank thing:
ReplyRobert Frank is on a trip to Mordor, where he is crapped on by a Watchman. Dr. Frank saves his life by a transfusion of redwood tree bark.
Awful, yes.
Mine was:
Robert Frank is on a trip to boobies, where he is boobies by a boobies. Dr. Frank saves his life by a transfusion of boobies.
Batman does use bats in Batman Begins, Year One, and Arkham City/Asylum. Just sayin'.
ReplyMy pick: Jubilee. Cypher. Two Gun Kid. Rage. The Angel. Dagger; Hawkeye.
Reply"Marvel has a sense of timing on par with a wet fart right before match point at Wimbledon". I died. XD
ReplyYou know most of these are truly terrible ideas, but I think Elongated Man at least rose above his truly terrible origins to become a fun character. Still a dumb origin though...
ReplyI'm surprised Booster Gold's not on here. But I guess it's his character itself thats crappy, not the character.
ReplyBut... #7... Is that Punchmaster?
ReplyThe Black Condor hard to take him seriously when he can be defeated by a shotgun and some bird shot
ReplyI just looked up Black Condor on Wikipedia and DC has 3 seperate superheroes named Black Condor. I was only aware of the 90s one, and even he isn't too popular.
ReplyDoesn't the Red Bee's bee die every time it stings? O.e
Reply