8Ivar the Boneless
If historians weren't such a stodgy bunch, this 9th century AD Danish viking chieftain would be known as "Ivar the Bonerless." Of course, that nickname wouldn't be entirely accurate, as Ivar gained his moniker from a case of osteogenesis imperfecta, a genetic bone disorder that makes your bones extraordinarily brittle.
Either way, it's probably an unfair nickname for any viking berserker. And it gets even more unjust when you realize he had extraordinarily breakable bones and his job entailed getting wasted and killing everything in sight wearing only a bear's skin and a 1,000-yard stare. The modern day equivalent of Ivar would be a peanut plant employee with a peanut allergy who went to work everyday wearing a tuxedo made of peanut shells. And then got nicknamed fatso because he was always swollen to twice the size of a normal man.
Ivar probably looked like this
7Sebastian of Portugal, the Virgin King
Sebastian of Portugal was named king a full two weeks before he was even born, so it's completely understandable and, in fact, reassuring that he was still a virgin at his coronation. Maintaining his virginity for the next 24 years of his life, however, was less comforting to the people of Portugal. In Sebastian's defense, all of the women that his advisors were throwing at him happened to be his own relatives. So, Sebastian died without pumping out an heir. But we suppose we would too if everyone we knew was peer pressuring us into porking our first cousin.