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6 Great Action Heroes (Who Should Be Convicted of Murder)
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#3.
James Bond from Casino Royale
For years, people who wanted to see 007 in action had to put up with plots that hinged on ridiculous things like invisible cars, laser beam satellites, and Madonna still being considered a sex symbol. This installment expunged the implausibility that plagued previous Bond films, establishing Bond as a grounded, conflicted character who just so happens to be hired by the government to play a friendly game of cards with terrorist masterminds instead of, you know, killing them.
So What's the Problem? Bond has never been the most inconspicuous spy, but we don't think that he's ever wantonly killed innocent bystanders before. During the opening chase scene, the villain that Bond chases carefully flips and pivots to avoid civilians, while Bond rams into them, knocking one off of a tall girder, presumably to his death. (This also results in a huge explosion. Why? Because it's a Bond movie, that's why.) The terrorist takes refuge in a foreign embassy, so Bond is forced by international law to allow him to temporarily escape and attempt to negotiate his transfer into British custody.
All of this innocent loss of life makes even less sense when you realize it's all so that the British government doesn't have to worry about bailing Bond out of a foreign jail, like they effortlessly do later on in the film. Interestingly enough, Bond's superiors seem more concerned about him killing a suspected terrorist than about nearly starting World War III. #2.
The Autobots from Transformers
Just as in the superhero movies, we knew who to root for before we walked into the theater. Autobots good, Decepticons bad. Besides, we probably would have rooted for the freaking Go-Bots if their appearance saved us from having to watch Shia Labeouf stutter for two and a half hours. So What's the Problem? The Autobots, in an attempt to prevent the evil Decepticons from obtaining an artifact that will grant them unlimited power, decide to take it away from a well-guarded military base and bring it somewhere safer, namely the center of a crowded city.
While the resulting robot brawl is pure awesome to watch, the enjoyment factor would be significantly less for the people in the city, suffering devastation on a scale larger than most natural disasters. There are few situations more emotionally conflicted and wrenching than seeing a super awesome giant robot knock a building over on top of your mom. To make matters worse, the decision to bring the Deus Ex Machina cube into the city causes a group of machines to come alive and attack their human masters.
Since their fate was never addressed in the film, we have to assume that these killer robots decided to wait for the perfect moment to strike while disguising themselves as blenders, or toasters, or THE VERY COMPUTER THAT YOU'RE USING TO READ THIS RIGHT NOW. Perhaps most disturbing, the other characters act as though none of this genocide ever occurred. They pause for a moment to mourn one robot with three lines, two of which are incredibly racist, but the hundreds of humans who were trampled beneath their feet don't even get a mention. For comparison's sake, the film spends about 10 minutes focusing on the destruction of Shia's mother's lawn. #1.
V from V for Vendetta
In this adaptation of Alan Moore's classic graphic novel, the filmmakers chose to portray the villains in an even more negative light, removing all of that pesky "moral ambiguity" business that made the comic V so hard to root for. The film is pure freedom vs. fascism, dagger-throwing fun, right? So What's the Problem? Yes, for the second time we demonstrate that there is no profession more dangerous than being a background character in a Wachowski brothers movie. There's a real good chance that not only will you be killed to serve the hero's purpose, but your death will go pretty much unacknowledged. In the film, the anarchist revolutionary V incites the population of Britain to don his mask and rise up against the government, because nothing captures the spirit of anarchy better than a mob of people in identical uniforms unquestioningly obeying one man.
Eventually V destroys parliament, and the people of Britain celebrate their freedom. It's all extremely inspiring, which distracts from the fact that V didn't actually have a plan for dealing with the power struggle that will invariably occur from the vacuum that the government left behind. But that's OK too, because as we all know, insurgent uprisings that occur in the aftermath of the collapse of a dictatorship have a habit of just sorting themselves out. Again, you can maybe justify the widespread rioting and violence based on the premise that, like in The Matrix, it's all for the greater good. What cannot be explained is how V, when it comes time to convert a young girl to his way of thinking, kidnaps and tortures her to make his point. For the greater good, of course.
You know, we have to wonder if a government with V in charge wouldn't be every bit as shitty as the one he was trying to overthrow. From the citizen's perspective, it'd probably be a matter of choosing whether you wanted to get shot for the greater good, or stabbed with a throwing knife. If you liked that, check out Rick's look at 5 Awesome Movies Ruined by Last Minute Changes. And be sure to check out our inside look at the video game developers conference that came up with all those insane early video game ideas. |
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Nah, we're just kidding. Bond storms in, fires on a group of foreign soldiers, and kills the guy he was ordered to capture alive. He then shoots one of the stray gas canisters that the embassy just happened to have lying around, sparking an explosion two feet away from some poor soldiers. 
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f****n bullshit... V was opening the land of do as you please, the whole point is that people should be free to be themselves however they so choose, he was a gay activist, that's the position that V is coming from... so his point is that society, however it is incarnated is repressive cuz most people are homophobe dicks (unfortunately myself included). The resulting aftermath is a fair point, but the hope if like Laclau and Moufe is a radical direct decentralized democracy where people are engaged -- that was the point of the riot to get people engaged. Tha failure of democracy -- especially in the US is the failure of civic engagement. The government is corrupt that is V's point, but people, engaged in civic society will define a society that isn't f****n stupid. The greatest lie that we believes is religion... but the second one is that government is necessary to keeping us from doing horrible s**t to each other. think for a second... I'll wait... ... ... ... do you really hate other people so much that you want to kill them? and if you do, have you ever killed something? do you know what it feels like to be involved in the ending of another beings existence? The government enslaves you!!! we can do better ourselves, I am not a comunist, I like democracy, I just think that the people should actually be in charge of whats going on...
WAR SAVES NO ONE f**k THE USA!!!!
The fantastic 4 were not tring to distract anyone and didn't spark the explosion on purpose to do so.
"What cannot be explained is how V, when it comes time to convert a young girl to his way of thinking, kidnaps and tortures her to make his point. For the greater good, of course."
He took her fear. Made a warrior. One that could easily stare down a gun and simply say 'no' and pull a lever.
I can't agree with #4. Not cos I'm a douche or anything, it's just that it's factually incorrect. The very final scene shows that Ripley and Co have crash-landed in Paris, but a Paris which looks like its been ravaged by nuclear war way long before the Betty crashed. So there really wouldn't appear to be anyone left to kill.
Other than that, great article!
I'm a die-hard Bond fan and just to let you know # 3 is incorrect. If you've seen any Bond movie you should know that Bond's a OO-agent. i.e. He has a license to kill. In that manner he won't go to prison for killing innocents. Besides the Embassy which Bond stormed into, apparently the owner was supposedly a guy employed by the bad guys who was a man-on-the-inside. You really need to see the movie again.
callofduty:
I'm glad to see I wasn't the only one bothered by the complete wrongitude of the Casino Royale section.
Looks like Ripley's fixin'to get bizee with the Alien!!
You got the Casino Royale bits all wrong...
"Bond storms in, fires on a group of foreign soldiers"
He didn't fire on the soldiers at all.
"Kills the guy he was ordered to capture alive"
He was a bomb-maker (The terrorist and villain as you put it), if Bond left him alive, he would have no doubt blown countless things up, killing a heap of innocent people in the process.
"He then shoots one of the stray gas canisters that the embassy just happened to have lying around, sparking an explosion two feet away from some poor soldiers."
You might have noticed everyone survived that.
"While Bond rams into them, knocking one off of a tall girder, presumably to his death."
Go watch the scene again, that was the bomb-maker. Not Bond. The bomb-maker even shoots two people, unlike Bond who doesn't actually kill anyone in the scene. In fact, I can't recall Bond actually killing an innocent person in the whole movie.
Since you've got that all horribly wrong, I've got to assume that every other evaluation of each of those characters is incorrect too.
Shut the f**k up, JoeMama.
No one is "Ruining" these movies by writing a satirical and facetious article about them.
Quit being so damn melodramatic.
You forgot about the freeway scene on Bad Boys 2. They killed at least like 20-30 people there.
Ahem. Uh, asskicker? It has nothing to do with the article, and that's the point. It's called spam. Welcome to the internet.
check out my look at 6 awesome movies ruined by a douche named rick
furlover, what the f**k does that have to do with this articule?
The writer of this article needs to go watch that scene in Casino Royale again, because it is in fact the exact opposite of how he describes it. The terrorist that Bond is chasing is the one who causes the explosion, by kicking a dude in the face and knocking him off the girder.
they had to move the All Spark out of the military base (hoover dam) because the idiots put Megatron in the same base... and when Megatron started to defrost they had to move the All Spark so he couldn't get it. Plus they're robots... I'm sure even though they claim to be there to save the world, a few people getting killed by a soda machine really wasn't a big deal.
i f*****g love The Matrix movies and V For Vendetta.. xD
...and in the matrix, it doesn't really matter how much ammo Neo wastes because none of it really exists anyway. that's basically the matrix movies' excuse for everything: it's in the matrix, so it isn't real, so the impossible/crazy thing that just happened actually can happen/makes sense.
(madamadam, the woman in the red dress scene is a completely fake matrix that they control. they can't control the real matrix, so they can't really freeze agents.)
ripley did take a portion of the planet but is specified prior to the crash landing that it is an unihabitated section of the planet by the ships computer and Ripley and Call
The one about V was pretty s**t. Why the f**k was it number one when he killed a handful of people and Ripley took out a chunk of the f*****g planet? bravo Rick.
Naw, man. Watch the movie again. It's the parkour guy that's kicking people off of buildings. He even shoots a couple of construction workers. Bond's not even on the building yet when the guy gets kicked off.
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Wow, nothing on this site cranks up the nerd rage more than daring to question their favorite movie. I love most of these movies and I still find everything mentioned completely hilarious.