Who Said That? Icelanders.
Dear God Why?
Icelandic swearing is cutely offbeat. It leverages relatively bland sounding terminology and lets subtext do all the heavy lifting. Would you expect the country that hatched Bjork to be any less bizarre?
Other helpful Icelandic phrases:
"Plunger" (Drullusukkor). That is, the plumbing tool, roughly equivalent to "fucktard."
"Girl who drives a truck" (Trukkalessa). A butch lesbian--that one sort of works in America too, no?
When they eventually run out of random items to call one another, they will revert to grittier tactics. A grand majority of them revolve around who or what their antagonist is prone to fucking.
It's assuring to see other cultures helping us to push the envelope of what "fuck" is truly capable of.
Who Said That? Armenians.
Dear God Why?
If you're not familiar with sarma, just picture an egg roll. Yeah, it doesn't get much more disturbing than that.
Other helpful Armenian phrases:
Fun Fact: You can gauge how industrialized a nation is by the percentage of their insults that involve barnyard animals.
"Eshoon noor oodel chi vayeler" It's not pretty watching a jackass try to eat a pomegranate (read: clumsy).
"Krisnera zhazh tan vred" Let the rats ejaculate on you.
"Kak oudelic shoon" Shit eating dog.
"Eshu Koorak" Son of Donkey.
The one involving rats is particularly jarring. It leverages sexual violation and vermin to make its point. Either that or we've misinterpreted it and Armenia is actually some sort of Mecca for furries.
There are a fair amount of genital references interwoven into their cursing as well. "Dzvis ty" translates to "My nut's twin", effectively calling the other person a testicle. It is not presently known if they intend you to usurp the existence of one of the balls present or if this is a declaration that Armenian men naturally sport a lone testicle.
Who Said That? Serbians.
Dear God Why?
The Serbian curse dictionary is unafraid to embrace controversy. Sure, they enjoy simple classics like "Jebo ti jeza u ledja" (May you fuck a hedgehog) and "Popasi me chmarne dlachitse" (Graze on my ass hair), but politics and even religious jabs are fair game. Such as ...
Other helpful Serbian phrases:
"The Pope fucks you" (Jebo te Papa)
"May your house be live on CNN" (Da bog da ti kuca bila na CNN-U)--this essentially means I hope NATO will bomb your house.
Not all their digs are quite so topical. The CNN-based insults only work against people whose homes haven't been bombed, which couldn't be more than a couple dozen.
That's why "Da bi te majka prepoznala u bureku" (Let your mother recognize you in a meat pie) and "Da Bog da ti zena rodila stonogu pa ceo zivot radio za cipele" (May your wife give birth to a centipede so you have to work for shoes all your life) are instant classics as well.
Who Said That? Romanians.
Dear God Why?
Romanian cursing is a bawdy, imaginative mix of the perverse and the profane. Modern linguists have determined that its roots originated from a time-traveling John Waters upon realizing there was still an entire history of people not grossed out by Pink Flamingos yet.
Other helpful Romanian phrases:
"Shampoo my dick-hair with your saliva" (Shampona-mi-ai flocii cu saliva)
"Brush your teeth, my dick will be inspecting soon!" (Spala-te pe dinti ca vin cu pula in inspectie)
Mothers are another favorite target in this region. However, rather than indulge the classic "Yo Mamma" insult architecture, they prefer to taint her sanctity in a round-about way. For example, "Usca-mi-as sosetele pe crucea ma`tii" (I dry my socks on your mother's cross) is blasphemous, but really only as a vehicle to get at the mom. You really have to applaud the balls it takes to assault God just to slam someone's mother.
Another example of this is "Futu-tzi coliva ma~tii" (Fuck your mother's funeral meal). We're not sure if this meant to simply show disdain for the deceased or demonstrate intent to fornicate with the sarmalute cu mamaliga plate, but neither is particularly polite.
Here's some more helpful phrases as you travel the globe, insulting the locals in their native language:
Suck devilcock in hell you faggotdwarf (Sut djavlepik i helvede din bossedvarg).
"You eat pubic hair with salt-dip" (May an long dai cham mui)
"Piss into a transformer" (Kuse muuntajaan)
"Suck on my hemorrhoids and wait for better days" (Siug aan my aambeie en wag vir beter dae")
"May you get fucked by a blind bear" (Te qifte arusha qorre)
"I dream about farting on you" (Sanjam da prdnem na tebe)
We're thinking that should cover about every situation. Enjoy your trip!When Ian isn't writing here or heading off to work in his green hat, he writes at internetsensation.com.
If you liked that you'll probably enjoy our look at 9 Words That Don't Mean What You Think. And don't forget to find out why The Mad Lib Answering Machine only sounds like a good idea. Or head to the brand new Official Cracked.com Store and become a startlingly attractive walking advertisement for our site.