6 Things You Didn't Know You Could Get Addicted To
Soy shakes, golden retrievers, squat thrusts. These aren't the makings of a week-long bender in Vegas, unless you happen to be Marquis de Sade. However, the human brain is a mysterious lump of meat, and under rare circumstances the mind can become hooked on all sorts of things that are usually completely innocent or even commendable.
Such as ...
#6.
Books
Doesn't sound so bad ...
Many of us own collections that we're too ashamed to discuss in public, whether it's vintage porn, yarn or commemorative Burger King glasses. So when you hear there's such a thing as book addiction, you figure, hell, it'd be rad to be addicted to the Western literary canon. You'd be so quick with quips and quotes at dinner parties you could wear a damned monocle and nobody would dare call you on it.
The horrifying reality:
The most prominent modern bibiliomaniac was Stephen Carrie Blumberg. From 1974 to 1990, this bookish chap raided the archives of about 185 North American universities. When the FBI finally raided his Ottumwa, Iowa home, the feds discovered 28,000 stolen books and manuscripts he had been compulsively hoarding.
Bibliomaniacs like him don't necessarily read their books or even collect valuable ones. They just collect them out of a compulsive need to have a fuckload of books. So you could be a bibliomaniac while remaining completely illiterate, though you could build a kick-ass fort.
By the way, after Blumberg spent 4.5 years in prison for stealing all those books, he was rearrested in July 2003 for stealing, um, doorknobs. Figure that one out.
Warning Signs:
Technology has obviously made books unnecessary, so the sight of even one book in a friend's home should be cause for concern. If the person has gone as far as to purchase an entire special shelf to hold all of his books, it's probably time for an intervention.
#5.
Pets
Doesn't sound so bad ...
We know what you're thinking: If one puppy is adorable, think how much more adorable a dozen of them would be! Furthermore, chicks dig animal lovers and dudes love the movie Beastmaster, so where's the problem? Every day we come home will be like that scene in Ace Ventura!
The horrifying reality:
In one infamous 2005 case, animal control officers retrieved more than 300 sewage-scented pups from Barbara and Robert Woodley's Sanford, North Carolina home. The house's stench was so damn doggy that it brought the rescuing veterinarians to tears ... literally. Animal hoarding is often the result of crippling obsessive-compulsive disorder. The hoarder believes that he alone understands his pets, who apparently wish to live cramped and knee-deep in their own shit.
On a similar note, The New York Times recently posited that "crazy cat lady" syndrome stems from an infection by the Toxoplasma gondii parasite. According to this model, feline stool transmits the bug, which gives the infected owner an unhealthy case of cat-scratch fever. Before you laugh, know that 60 million Americans may be infected with toxoplasma and that some experts think it will turn all of us into zombies.
Warning Signs:
We're going to go out on a limb here, but we're thinking the presence of lots and lots of animals in a guy's living room may be an indication. Further, if you catch someone extolling the virtues of Eddie Murphy's 1998 opus Doctor Dolittle, that individual is either a potential animal hoarder or eight-years-old. On the other hand, if you catch someone extolling the virtues of Marc Singer's 1982 opus The Beastmaster, buy that man a drink!
He has a Master's degree ... in beasts
#4.
Eating Right
Doesn't sound so bad ...
Hey reader, what'd you eat today? What's that? A sausage stromboli, some Skittles and a teacup full of Maker's Mark? And it's not even noon? For shame, you're not getting enough fiber to absorb that bourbon.
Wait, what did we eat? The internet writer's special, natch: a tub of Crisco and a tin of Skoal. So if they say there's such a thing as getting addicted to healthy food (or orthorexia) then we should all be so lucky. Right?
The horrifying reality:
You can die from it.
See, the orthorexia nervosa sufferer's fanatical desire to consume the correct foods comes with the problem that their idea of what "correct" means is entirely subjective and often nutritionally unsound. Eating 10 cans of pinto beans a day sounds healthier than eating ten Big Macs, but both diets leave out important nutrients and will reward you with DEFCON 5 flatulence. And at the end of the day, your body just needs fat. A diet with zero fat can kill you just as effectively as too much, though most of us are a very long way away from experiencing that for ourselves.
Warning Signs:
The doctor who discovered this disorder says "social isolation" resulting from the diet is one warning sign. So take Mr. Pinto Bean from our above example. Chances are he's disgusted with other people's "impure," non-bean diets, so he posts a personal on Craigslist entitled "LOOKING 4 GOYA-MINDED WOMAN."
And since no one shares the rectitude required to eat beans 24/7, Mr. Bean spends the rest of his life alone, weeping as he farts, farting as he weeps.
Well, I'm guilty of 2 and 3. Guess I better chill.
ReplyMy name is OkThen and I have problem. I... I have purchased another bookshelf.
ReplySomeone save me.
f*****g double post
My name is OkThen, and I have a problem. I... I have purchased another bookshelf.
ReplySomeone save me.
I lol'd at number 3 & 4 ... until I read number 2. I drink a lot more water then normal. Egads, man!
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesLaugh out louded?
And isn't laugh always audible.
Welcome to the internet, good sir.
"Mr. Bean spends the rest of his life alone, weeping as he farts, farting as he weeps."
ReplyBeautiful, man. Just beautiful.
There is something really, really creepy about the Collyer brothers.
ReplyI first heard it mentioned in a book, and thought that it was just fiction, too strange to be belived, but apparently it's true.
I'm no pansy about horror stories or movies, I've seen a few and laughed all the way through, but damn if thinking about those brothers doesn't make me break out in a cold sweat.
God damn it, why isn't there a "report/flag for spam" button on comments, Cracked? I've seen the same damn cougar spam ad on all the articles I've read in the past two days.
ReplyI was wondering that, too. They don't even have it for profiles. You think they would :I
salt isn't bad for you
Replyif used in moderation.
I am glad to check the article. I am a professional woman. I am just divorced. I lo ve younger men. I am dat ing a man who is 25 year old. he's caring, kind, has a real job that earns him good money and he is very attractive. I think younger men like cougars because they have no agenda, don't usually want to get married and are usually very independent and don't need a man to take care of them.I meet the younger men on this place COUGARKISS,C 0 M.
ReplyA real job? As in, instead of an imaginary one? Man, I've got to get crackin' on that
My boyfriend currently owns 18 cats, I think I should be starting to get worried.
Replyunless he runs a shelter or lives on a large farm: yes, you should be worried.
i knew a very nice guy who had about 20 cats in his apartment. he adopted cats of the streets and they would keep breeding (he often didn't have money to have a new cat 'fixed'). he was reluctant about giving cats away, didn't like giving them to strangers.
he was already in debt and the costs of food and vet-visits completely pushed him under.
he ended up being evicted, with almost all the cats taken from him by the police and given to the local shelter. removing these cats was probably for the best. he now tries to get by, still in crippling debt, living in an old trailer with 3 cats.
Fuckbunkies.
ReplyI own 600+ books, AND I AM UNAPOLOGETIC ABOUT THIS.
Replyif with 'own' you mean 'downloaded for free' than id don't see a problem.
otherwise you are crazy for owning that many books, stupid for paying for them, and your house is probably very filthy and mouse-infected with all that old paper lying everywhere
fyi DEFCON 5 is the good one
ReplyAww, kittens!
Replyorthorexia nervosa is actually what lead me into a full blown anorexia/bulimia eating disorder. I wanted to get fit and eat 'healthy'... what started out as a sensible diet slowly transgressed into nothing at all; slowly more and more of the things on my "good foods" list were being crossed off due to "too much fat/salt/sugar/processing ect. and when the treadmill shut down from using it for 2 hours, I would just restart the thing.
Replyare you better tho?:o
if you realize that there was a problem in the way you handled food and exercize, than i hope that means you are on your way to recovery?
what i've read about anorexia and associated eating-problems leads me to believe that 'being obsessed with eating healthy' most certainly should be in the list of eating disorders.
there's nothing wrong with wanting to eat healthy, but when taken to extremes it's not really different from wanting to eat extremely little. it's just as obsessive,just as unhealthy, just as much 'looking down on all these other people who lack the willpower to follow a strict diet'
Eh, nothing wrong with being addicted to books.
ReplyThey provide a much needed escape from the daily tedium of reality.
Now if I could find a way to surf, snowboard, mountain climb, bungee jump, bmx, skateboard, etc etc on a daily basis and switch them up, I would not need books or the internet.
But since I cannot.. oh well.
The first two aren't addictions, the people who are "addicted" are just hoarders. The first guy was probably also a kleptomaniac.
ReplyThe two people in the last entry are hoarders too.
the link for overhyped health scares goes to a gamer manifesto -.-
ReplyI used to hang out with two guys who were addicted to working out (well, just lifting weights). What wasn't disturbing was how much they liked working out (that was alright). It's that the addicted mentality wasn't just relegated to the gym and it wasn't so much a passion as it was an obsession. I mean, people can be passionate about stuff, but it's pretty fucked up when it crosses into obsessive behavior. It wasn't just in the gym you could tell these guys were f*****g addicted. It was pretty much the ONLY thing they talked about. I'd go out to have dinner with these guys and for fours hours all they talked about was lifting weights, weightlifters, and anything having to do with it, including looking at pictures of half-naked men on their phones. Hell, I invited some chicks with us one time. That was a f*****g disaster. The two of them were so f*****g socially-retarded that they'd run out of things to say in five minutes. No movies, no interesting things they'd heard about in the news, no politics, nothing. And, last thing, chicks like to talk about themselves, but man, these two were something else. One of them couldn't introduce himself to a girl without saying "I just came back from working out". Which is a pretty terrible pick up line, sure, but then the girl would realize that's all he had in his repertoire. So yeah, I found new friends.
Replylooking at pictures of naked men? are you sure they were straight??
there might have been some autistic disorder at work there.
sometimes that leads to a situation were a guy doesn't 'get' girls (can't talk to them). he reads somewhere that chicks are into guys that are muscular/have read a lot of books/good at diy-projects/into yoga/whatever and then monomaniacal tries to become the absolute champion in 'that thing that girls like' out of some vague hope that chicks will dig him so much they'll be doing all the flirting for him.
wtf. what a horrible way to die...blind, paralyzed, and starved to death because your caretaker died under his garbage heap?!
Reply