6 Things You Didn't Know You Could Get Addicted To
Soy shakes, golden retrievers, squat thrusts. These aren't the makings of a week-long bender in Vegas, unless you happen to be Marquis de Sade. However, the human brain is a mysterious lump of meat, and under rare circumstances the mind can become hooked on all sorts of things that are usually completely innocent or even commendable.
Such as ...
#6.
Books
Doesn't sound so bad ...
Many of us own collections that we're too ashamed to discuss in public, whether it's vintage porn, yarn or commemorative Burger King glasses. So when you hear there's such a thing as book addiction, you figure, hell, it'd be rad to be addicted to the Western literary canon. You'd be so quick with quips and quotes at dinner parties you could wear a damned monocle and nobody would dare call you on it.
The horrifying reality:
The most prominent modern bibiliomaniac was Stephen Carrie Blumberg. From 1974 to 1990, this bookish chap raided the archives of about 185 North American universities. When the FBI finally raided his Ottumwa, Iowa home, the feds discovered 28,000 stolen books and manuscripts he had been compulsively hoarding.
Bibliomaniacs like him don't necessarily read their books or even collect valuable ones. They just collect them out of a compulsive need to have a fuckload of books. So you could be a bibliomaniac while remaining completely illiterate, though you could build a kick-ass fort.
By the way, after Blumberg spent 4.5 years in prison for stealing all those books, he was rearrested in July 2003 for stealing, um, doorknobs. Figure that one out.
Warning Signs:
Technology has obviously made books unnecessary, so the sight of even one book in a friend's home should be cause for concern. If the person has gone as far as to purchase an entire special shelf to hold all of his books, it's probably time for an intervention.
#5.
Pets
Doesn't sound so bad ...
We know what you're thinking: If one puppy is adorable, think how much more adorable a dozen of them would be! Furthermore, chicks dig animal lovers and dudes love the movie Beastmaster, so where's the problem? Every day we come home will be like that scene in Ace Ventura!
The horrifying reality:
In one infamous 2005 case, animal control officers retrieved more than 300 sewage-scented pups from Barbara and Robert Woodley's Sanford, North Carolina home. The house's stench was so damn doggy that it brought the rescuing veterinarians to tears ... literally. Animal hoarding is often the result of crippling obsessive-compulsive disorder. The hoarder believes that he alone understands his pets, who apparently wish to live cramped and knee-deep in their own shit.
On a similar note, The New York Times recently posited that "crazy cat lady" syndrome stems from an infection by the Toxoplasma gondii parasite. According to this model, feline stool transmits the bug, which gives the infected owner an unhealthy case of cat-scratch fever. Before you laugh, know that 60 million Americans may be infected with toxoplasma and that some experts think it will turn all of us into zombies.
Warning Signs:
We're going to go out on a limb here, but we're thinking the presence of lots and lots of animals in a guy's living room may be an indication. Further, if you catch someone extolling the virtues of Eddie Murphy's 1998 opus Doctor Dolittle, that individual is either a potential animal hoarder or eight-years-old. On the other hand, if you catch someone extolling the virtues of Marc Singer's 1982 opus The Beastmaster, buy that man a drink!
He has a Master's degree ... in beasts
#4.
Eating Right
Doesn't sound so bad ...
Hey reader, what'd you eat today? What's that? A sausage stromboli, some Skittles and a teacup full of Maker's Mark? And it's not even noon? For shame, you're not getting enough fiber to absorb that bourbon.
Wait, what did we eat? The internet writer's special, natch: a tub of Crisco and a tin of Skoal. So if they say there's such a thing as getting addicted to healthy food (or orthorexia) then we should all be so lucky. Right?
The horrifying reality:
You can die from it.
See, the orthorexia nervosa sufferer's fanatical desire to consume the correct foods comes with the problem that their idea of what "correct" means is entirely subjective and often nutritionally unsound. Eating 10 cans of pinto beans a day sounds healthier than eating ten Big Macs, but both diets leave out important nutrients and will reward you with DEFCON 5 flatulence. And at the end of the day, your body just needs fat. A diet with zero fat can kill you just as effectively as too much, though most of us are a very long way away from experiencing that for ourselves.
Warning Signs:
The doctor who discovered this disorder says "social isolation" resulting from the diet is one warning sign. So take Mr. Pinto Bean from our above example. Chances are he's disgusted with other people's "impure," non-bean diets, so he posts a personal on Craigslist entitled "LOOKING 4 GOYA-MINDED WOMAN."
And since no one shares the rectitude required to eat beans 24/7, Mr. Bean spends the rest of his life alone, weeping as he farts, farting as he weeps.
"Technology has obviously made books unnecessary, so the sight of even one book in a friend's home should be cause for concern"
ReplyDid anyone else find that sentence depressing, or was it just me?
I found it depressing as well.
Hopefully there will be an Apocalypse soon,humanity is now a waste of time.
What about porn?
Replyadd daydreaming to that. and it sucks because you do ONLY that. as in you do it all day and eat goldfish for the sole reason that you can pop it in your mouth as u daydream. you'll wake up at 4 am to get an extra hour of it. You stop hanging out with friends and family because you'd rather daydream. Any obligations fall to the wayside because you need to daydream. Basically going to the bathroom is the only time you stop. And after a while you can do it then too.
ReplyNo s**t, I see a therapist for this.
In fact going to the bathroom is the perfect time for that. The door is locked, it's quiet, no interruptions.
I used to have that water addiction. No matter how much you drink, you're always still thirsty. Most people use water because you would go broke drinking 3 gallons of soda or coffee a day. My doctor eventually told me that I should just drink a V-8 or eat ramen once a day to keep my sodium levels up. No downside really. =)
ReplyAll you needed to do was say two words for #3: Victoria Beckham.
ReplyOr Madonna.
I'm a female reader, and perfectly content with Scarlett Johansson's "gazonga."
ReplyIs it sad that I saw that picture with all those books, and all I could think was "man, I wish I was there right now!"?
ReplyYou, my friend might be addicted to books... Good luck with that as someone has just attempted to take my 5 year old newspaper
My sister was addicted to exersize at one point in her life. She played three varsity sports in high school and was obsessed with staying in peak physical condition to a point where if she wasn't at school or sleeping, she was exersizing. Though this could also be linked to the fact that she was anorexic at the time and is still recovering from that eating disoder.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIt's a shame she was too busy to teach you how to spell "exercise".
It can be spelt both ways- one is British, the other American.
There is no British spelling for exercise, actually.
#7: Ponies.
Reply'Tis a beautiful addiction.
I'm pretty sure that ANYTHING can be psychologically addictive
ReplyHEY. Cat scratch fever and Toxoplasma are different things!
ReplyI like cats. Hurr
Wrong analogy. DEFCON 5 means no danger. DEFCON 1 is a disaster
Replyi think most of these are more hoarding than addictions, nice
Replyarticle though.
Books are unnecessary?!? You should be concerned if a friend has one? Or even a bookshelf? Wow. Not everyone has jumped on the Kindle bandwagon. I can't really read without the physical book in my hands, it's something about the smell and feel of the book in my hands that helps me retain the information. Smell directly connects to the memory parts of your brain. Besides, you can't sell back your used books to Half Priced Books off of a Kindle, and you can't buy used books either. So yes, you can pay an assload of money, needlessly, on e-books, or you could pay a fraction of the cost for real books, plus, in an emergency, you have fuel for fires! Not everyone goes out and buys the best sellers when they come out in hard covers. Some like to go the cheap route and by used. My husband and I happen to have two rather large bookshelves of books, and I would never touch a Kindle. Thanks, but no thanks.
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesHoly crap it was a joke and you fell for it. That was a youtube level comment. LOL
Picking on that joke is like if I were to pick on the fact that you're choosing to defend books as bonfire material. :/
I'm sorry, but it is clear that you are too stupid for comedy.
...Women really do ruin everything....
...Women really do ruin everything...
@Melissa - it was clearly a joke. @complexlummox - no need to resort to gender smearing. If your comment was intended as a joke, it wasn't nearly as funny as the article, and you really should work on your presentation of sarcasm on the internet. If I (as a woman) am going to read jokes that are derogatory toward women, those jokes better at least be funny.
I'll go so far as to say that I, too, prefer books to electronic media. But when you are taking a helluva long flight, or going on a cruise or long train ride, nothing beats electronic media. 35,000 books and less than a half a pound? Sign me up, I'll hit the library for a real book when I get home.
I had a water addiction in high school. I carried a gallon of water around with me all day and kept water bottles in my locker. And when I got home, I'd drink glass after glass. And during Jazz Band practices (as well as performances) I'd drink another whole gallon (practices were 2 hours (school itself was over 6) and performances were MAYBE 20 minutes). Needless to say, I was hospitalized and diagnosed as being "over hydrated." I wasn't told too many details, but I stayed in the hospital a few days where I wasn't allowed to drink and had to depend on IV fluids. Apparently one of my kidneys was starting to fail. For being completely necessary, and usually healthy, water is really dangerous. I'm almost always thirsty now, too.
Replyu might have diabetes insipidus. check with an endocrinologist
u might have diabetes insipidus. check with an endocrinologist
Didn't that guy who lived in a trailer in the Alaskan wilderness die of fat starvation?
ReplyChris McCandless? No, he accidentally poisoned himself on wild herbs that shut down his digestive system and made him starve to death.
that's what i heard! he was eating enough not to be hungry but he was starving because he wasn't getting the nutrients he needed!
Garbage shouldn't be #1. I'm sure a lot of us have heard of hoarders. Things like water and exercise are more surprising.
ReplyEspecially since they used that exact example in another article already ...
"...will reward you with DEFCON 5 flatulence."
ReplyI'm sorry to tell you, but DEFCON 5 is the *lowest* level you can get. DEFCON 1 is where nukes come. DEFCON escalates downwards.
If your farts result in military readiness, they're probably severe enough.
I still giggled, lol. :D
"...weeping as he farts, farting as he weeps." made me burst out laughing in the middle of work. Thanks, Cracked.
ReplyNo idea why, but Gsteroids absolutely killed me
Reply