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The 7 Commandments All Video Games Should Obey

By David Wong April 29, 2008 3,394,433 views
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#1.
Better graphics do not equal innovation and/or creativity.

Violators:
Sony, Microsoft, countless developers.

Here are the three competing new-gen consoles, adjusted so that their size roughly reflects how powerful their hardware is in relation to each other.

Here are the same three consoles, adjusted so that their size reflects their worldwide sales in 2007:

Fascinating how that worked out. And yet, guys like Epic games president Mike Capps are out there making stupid-ass statements about how they would never lower themselves to develop for the Wii because that would be "going backward."

This is epidemic in an industry that defines "innovation" purely by graphical horsepower and nothing else. Guys like him are utterly baffled that anyone could ever want a Wii, just because it, you know, offers a completely new playing experience.

Somehow these guys have gotten it in their heads that nothing counts for innovation except bump mapping and pixel shaders. "However can any human enjoy these outdated graphics without literally vomiting with disgust?"

Well, if these people would bother having a conversation with someone outside their own offices, they'd realize that the entire concept of "outdated" graphics is meaningless to 80 percent of gamers.

Want proof? Nintendo DS games look like this:

So let's see how that machine's sales compare:

Go check for yourself. They've sold more than 60 million of them. Tell you what, Mike. The next time you see some casual gamer tapping away at their Nintendo DS, show them a screenshot of Gears of War:

Don't be shocked if they point out your game seems made up of three colors (brown, gray, and muzzle flash). Sure, hard-core gamers know the difference, they know the game is a marvel of technology. The rest of us just want to have fun, or be told a good story.

And guess what, there are ways to give us that, and it doesn't involve spending millions on a whole new game engine that pushes the hardware to its limits. Such as ...

Hiring real writers ...

Hey, you know why Portal was such a great time? They hired top-of-the-line writers to write the story and dialog.

... then hiring competent voice actors to say the lines.

Don't skip this step. Otherwise you get this ...

That retarded clip is from Final Fantasy X, a game that cost $32 million to make. Come on, guys. Fork over a tiny bit of that to your story team. They need the money. And after they're on board, remind them ...

Put some work into the ending.

You owe it to us. We worked hard to get here. Don't send us away with a 30-second cutscene of the hero riding into the distance on a jet ski before the credits roll. Whatever happened to the Final Fantasy VI endings? You know, the one that was 20 minutes long and wrapped up the stories of every single character even briefly glimpsed in the game?

It's cool-ass endings that make us want to keep playing. Instead, we get games that graduated from the Metroid school of single-frame congratulatory text.


Fuck you.

After all, the idea is to reward the gamer for playing.

Hell, maybe we should have just said that and skipped this whole thing.


David Wong's descent into madness is chronicled in his horror novel coming out this fall. You may also enjoy his Gamer's Manifesto or his rundown of 7 Viral Videos You Didn't Know Were Staged. And speaking of video games, remember when the premises used to be about dinosaurs riding giant birds and all other manners of clown shit insanity? Ever wonder why? Find out in Video Game Pitch Meeting (1979).



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350 Comments

Ragnarok - I think he was picking on it because of the laughing voices, and how they sound absolutely pathetic.

While the game was a marvel, there were definitely bits and pieces that could be easily made fun of.

Hilarious article, and I agree with every bit of it.

7/2/2009 11:49:16 AM
tdug1991

I mostly agree right up to the last bit, where you picked on FFX.

That scene was just over a minute long, how can you attack the story of that game from watching thet little scene? FFX has over 100 hours of gameplay, hell, then main story of the game takes over 30 hours to complete.

So please, try and know what you're talking about next time, or else you just look like jackasses.

6/28/2009 9:43:37 AM
Ragnarok05

I think that this has been pointed out before but the sole reason why the Wii or the Nintendo DS have outsold all others is because of their lower price. That's why Toyota Yaris has sold way more cars than BMW Series 7 models. Wii also has the worst games out of all consoles, if you don't trust me head over to http://www.metacritic.com/games/wii/ and compare it's games to other systems. Even tho I agree entirely with everything you've written about I just can't agree that the Nintendo has sold more because it's more fun, it's just aimed at poor-er people.

6/23/2009 9:07:23 PM
Broloc

they think its bad that oblivion had a huge map? or any game thats like that? thats what made them awesome! sandbox games arent that great. open worlds are amazing! thats why games like oblivion and fallout 3 got game of the year!

6/22/2009 9:14:34 PM
atheistnation

There is hope though. Look at Fallout 3, which I believe to be one of the best games ever made. The only commandment it breaks is the lack of multiplayer, which it was really never designed for anyway. The team AI is limited to a single person, but it's fairly intelligent, the world is huge and hiking can take a long time, but there's just so much stuff to do between destinations.

Oh, and if you're looking for "bullets that create wounds", there isn't a better game out there. Hell the game even slows the bullet down so you can see it rip the guy's arm off in slo-mo. How cool is that?

6/11/2009 1:16:44 AM
One_Above_All

Epic article. for #3, the solution to keeping "tension" is to have a suspend & save system, where you can suspend at any time (quitting your game), but when you start it up again, the suspend data is cleared so the tension is still there.

In the 360's case, the suspend data shouldn't be cleared, for obvious reasons ;)

6/10/2009 11:32:23 AM
headcase88

lollll, i'm on my wii looking at this article and when i scrolled down to the screen shot of, i think it was, gears of war, a message popped up that said something about not enough memory. ironic.

5/26/2009 1:15:21 AM
elkatieface

A few other things I think are f*****g horrendous in games: Sewer levels, this isn't like a strict rule or anything, it's just that I've still to play a sewer level that I actually enjoyed; they should give what they advertise, remember the advert for Heavenly Sword, the one where you see her do a massive triple flip whilst sliding down a rope then kicking the ass of a million guys, they said that it was "actual game-play," but they didn't tell us that it was all executed with a single button!

5/18/2009 3:14:57 AM
microhendy

@asdfzxc920

Be that as it may, you're gonna get s**t for that.

5/13/2009 10:48:53 AM
PeakJ

I only agree with 1 and 2. Everything else is clearly written by somebody who has NO IDEA how games are developed.

4/29/2009 3:41:41 AM
asdfzxc920

There should be a rule like this about MMORPGs:
"Thou shalt make a MMORPG that have more than just PvE, PvP, leveling up and getting better equipment, AND anything related"

Because, let's face it. MMOs like WoW, Warhammer, Silkroad and anything else based in good graphics and killing the hell out of everything in sight is just a big pain in the ass. It's no wonder people like to hop from MMO to MMO.

4/28/2009 11:22:33 PM
Yaridovich

funny , i will uploaded this to tall dating site ___Tallmingle.com____ to share with my best friends,especially the hot models.

4/28/2009 10:16:55 AM
Shirleyxx

Thank you for the multiplayer comment. I can live with GTA4 for not being multiplayer.

What gets me are the FPS's. Oh sure their "techniqually" multiplayer... but guess what?
I don't have any freaking internet access in my basement!!!
Medal of Honor: Rising Sun let me and one of my friends duke it out with computers on split screen. Or even me alone if I wanted to.

Now what do I get with this generation?!? Running around an empty field picking up weapons and dreaming of shooting 59 other guys...

...I can only replay levels so many times.

4/24/2009 3:20:30 PM
ijpowers

It was good.
Get rid of that surplus watch, books, car, toaster, sewing machine, or clothes by the selling format of Uploaded.TV. Simply shoot a video of the item that you want to sell and upload it in www.uploaded.tv. Now relax, watch your video on real TV, and see how people queue up worldwide to show interest to buy your belonging.

4/20/2009 5:27:20 AM
debasree

I'm sorry, but if you aren't killing nazis or nips then you just aren't killing.

4/19/2009 1:46:24 PM
zombies!

one of the best games i have ever played involved dicking around o horseback for ages to find the next 'boss'. the game was shadow of the collosus and it was absolutely brilliant. i once spent five hours on ecstasy trying to make one jump over a chasm. totally fucked it up every time. came down. did it in one go. i still count those five hours as some of the best five hours of my life. so slagging a game with travelling sequences off just aint right

4/18/2009 8:26:17 PM
fireprism

And, at the end, an ad for "CIVONY": "A WORLD YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE, A STORY HAS NEVER BEEN TOLD, A CAMPAIGN YOU REALLY SHOULD FIGHT WITH, A HOMELAND NEED YOU TO PROTECT!"

4/18/2009 1:03:43 PM
tydaeus

Yeah, in fairness it was EA who screwed the pooch on the PS3 port of Orange Box. Proof that the biggest publishers/studios aren't always the best. Otherwise this article was spot-on.

4/14/2009 2:44:12 AM
DasBroose

Heh, Hl2 is pretty good, you just don't like the style

4/10/2009 11:59:26 AM
LCP

EA developed the PS3 port of Orange Box, not Valve.

4/9/2009 7:09:45 PM
yournamehere

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