The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys

It is a scientific fact that every human being will, at one time or another, have a sexual fantasy in which they're that really weird Gremlin from Gremlins 2 that got turned into electricity and stuck in the phone lines. Guaran-damn-teed. It was for that reason that this product was made. Now, without having to involve any Mogwai at all, you too can electrocute the living shit out of yourself, your partner, the cat, the mailman, or anyone else you can chase down and grab hold of. As an added bonus, it will all be super sexy.

Fun Website Quote:

"Do not use on eyelids or broken skin. Not intended for use for those with a cardiac pacemaker or if you are pregnant."

See, sex toys don't have to be all about you. They can just as easily be used to give pleasure to another, like, say, your best friend. This may or may not be stuck at the concept phase, but face it, it's probably the coolest looking dog toy you've ever seen.

Fun Website Quote:

"You can apply some female odor spray on it several times a month when your dog seems sexually hungry or nervous."

Of all the products here most likely to inspire a horror movie, this has to be at the top of the list. What the hell could be scarier than a disembodied, licking tongue? You stumble into your bathroom at night, open the medicine cabinet and then this thing comes squirming out at you, just ... licking and stuff.

Fun Website Quote:

"The sweet licking motion provides endless and tireless rhythm"

The OhMiBod (we have to assume that "iCum" was already trademarked) is a way for all of us to climax along with the latest Beyonce single, and who wouldn't want that?

The should-have-been-named-iCum just buzzes and throbs along to the beat of whatever you're listening to on your iPod, which makes us wonder if you can hook it up to a video iPod and watch porn on the bus, thus making yourself the creepiest degenerate to ever walk the earth.

Fun Website Quote:

"OhMiBod is not endorsed by Apple Computer Inc."

Inexplicably mixing an innocent children's bath tub toy with the debauched needs of a 40-something "Cathy" fan, someone came up with this cute little vibrating dildo duck.

Worse yet, it comes in a tiny travel size, for when you plan on leaving home but just don't have the space for your gigantic, novelty duck vibrator in your luggage.

Fun Website Quote:

"Just pop in the 2 AA batteries (included), flip the duckie on and utilize it till your heart's content."

Because driving alone can often leave a man horribly aroused yet unfulfilled, the Auto Suck was designed to plug into any car cigarette lighter. We figure this invention is a good thing because there's probably tons of school buses out there full of kids who've never once driven past a man humping what amounts to a vacuum attachment in his car. How else will they learn about the world?

Fun Website Quote:

'do not use while driving!'

Being familiar with the internet as we are, we know there are people who get off on things like smoking, riding crops, vomit, amputees, slide whistles, artichokes, the elderly and yes, even feet. And while a foot fetish is one thing, this appears to be a rubber foot with a vagina heel.

Wait, what?

Fun Website Quote:

"Smaller than the real thing, this foot is ideal to keep in your drawer and take with you on those long business trips!!"

One of the big complaints about sex that most people have is that they can't see four inches inside their partner's special areas. If only nature had created some manner of lighted probe to accommodate that. Where nature fails, the sex toy industry excels.

Fun Website Quote:

"The viewer window and inside light allow you to self-examine as you self-stimulate!"

Because maybe some people want to mix deviant sexuality and a full fledged nightmare together in a real world setting, this thing exists. This horrible, dead-eyed abomination with three usable holes.

Fun Website Quote:

"show her who's boss"

We're not really sure about the logistics involved in this, although it does vaguely reminds us of a He-man action figure we once saw. That's kinda cool. Also, safe sex is important and if you have a habit of releasing tear gas during love making then this is right up your alley, so to speak.

Fun Website Quote:

"Can be enjoyed in so many ways!"

Sex should appeal to all the senses, which is why flavored lubes, scented oils and rawhide panties exist. But sound has often fallen by the wayside, with the average Joe left to appreciate nothing more than his own occasional grunt or the sobbing of his partner on the phone. Until now, with the invention of the Stuffoscope!

Hearing the insides of your nearest and dearest is only a humiliation away.

Fun Website Quote:

"listen to your partner's innermost secrets!"

One look at the design of this thing told us we don't want to know what it does.

Seriously, don't tell us.

Fun Website Quote:

"Here is our latest piss hole stuffer."

Hey, remember when we said that tongue thing would be most likely to get a horror movie? We were way fucking wrong.

Near as we can figure, this was designed for people who wanted a blowjob from an incognito Guy Smiley using Burt's eyebrows as a mustache without the rest of his Muppet head getting in the way.

Whatever the case, we haven't slept for days for fear an army of these will attack us and attach themselves to our spinal cords.

Fun Website Quote:

"fits like a glove!"