The 7 Most Powerful Wizards (Too Lazy to Use Their Powers)
Wizards have been an essential element of fantasy movies since the dawn of the cinema. Essentially, you can't hope to have a universe of dragons, trolls and adventurous men with names like "Numedor" without including a powerful wizard who is there to lend a magical hand when the going gets tough.
Unfortunately, not every wizard in film history has stepped up, and some seem to flat-out prefer cashing in their wizard pensions and spending the rest of their 2,000-year lifespan as the door greeter at Walmart than perform their expected duties.
Albus Dumbledore (the Harry Potter series)
Dumbledore is the headmaster at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and basically the most powerful damned wizard in the Harry Potter universe. He's a kindly old man, which is a good thing because he can turn invisible, create objects out of thin air, read minds, shoot fire, whatever. He's pretty much a god.
Unfortunately, most of the time he gives kind of boring speeches and makes a teenage boy do everything that he, being nearly all-powerful, should probably be doing instead.
The case against him:
Fans of the Harry Potter series have uttered the phrase "Where the crap is Dumbledore during all of this?" more than once. He's usually away on business when Harry and his friends are in imminent danger of attack, and the three of them are usually left to either figure out difficult riddles or single-handedly fight humongous snakes, a giant troll, an army of gigantic spiders--pretty much every horror imaginable. And when he says he's away on business, you know he's probably just hanging out in his apartment in his wizard underpants watching the wizarding equivalent of Frasier reruns.
Consider Prisoner of Azkaban, where in order to save a friend he casually advises Hermione to use a "Time Turner" device, which lets you effortlessly go back in time and change any thing you want.
Wait, what? Why didn't he go back in time and deal with it? Or better yet prevent all those things from happening with his wizard powers? Why not go back and prevent the birth of the wizard Antichrist, Voldemort? And in the 6th book, he actually dies. The man can travel through time, but he couldn't prevent his own freaking death?
Skeletor (Masters of the Universe)
Skeletor is He-Man's main nemesis in the Masters of the Universe TV show, comics and films. Essentially a nude, muscular Smurf with a yellow skull for a head, Skeletor is a highly-skilled sorcerer who wields one half of the "Power Sword." He-Man has the other half, and whoever unites the two will become, dare we say, the Master of the Universe.
The case against him:
If you're into nude men who like to ride around on giant cats then your entertainment options were pretty much limited to He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. As a fan you know that Skeletor was possibly the baddest guy on this or any other planet.
He was blue, wore nothing but some legwarmers, a mini-skirt and a pair of suspenders, and had an entire mysterious magical arsenal at his command. He could fire lasers out of his eyes, teleport and shoot lightning out of his hands. But most convenient of all, was that he possessed the power of 'remote viewing' which enabled him to sit around in Snake Mountain and cackle at a vision of He-Man and his fellow semi-nude male friends, remarking to henchman Beast Man how He-Man was 'about to fall into' a devious trap he'd set (devious in this case meaning "easily escapable").
Unfortunately, most of the time He-Man escapes from Skeletor's snares by either tricking him or overpowering him. Often the two would wind up dueling with their Power Swords, and He-Man would usually win by cutting a rope that would cause a chandelier to land on Skeletor, binding his arms as he hopped up and down, cursing He-Man and vowing revenge.
Why Skeletor during these encounters would not rely on his eyeball lasers or finger lightning is not known. Skeletor also demonstrated, on several occasions, an ability to teleport himself as well as other people across great distances.
The fact that He-Man does not find himself whisked away to Bismarck, North Dakota every time he engages Skeletor is a question for the ages, or at the very least the screenwriters.
Profion (Dungeons and Dragons)
The case against him:
As far as evil wizards go, Profion is about as evil as they come. You can tell he's evil because he laughs at his own jokes a lot and hams up every scene he's in. Since he was portrayed by Academy Award-winning actor Jeremy Irons, you'd think there would be some semblance of craft going on, and you would be wrong.
Anyway, Profion seems to be the most knowledgeable wizard in all the land--the only real competition we notice in the movie is in the form of a highly inexperienced apprentice wizard named Marina, who throughout the film relies almost entirely on Marlon Wayans and some other guy to rescue her. Magically speaking, Profion could pretty much have his way with everyone in the entire D&D universe and there isn't a damn thing anyone could really do about it.
Instead, Profion spends the entire movie laughing at something he just said and looking out from his tower of doom at the destruction he has wrought while, again, cackling wildly at what a hoot the whole thing is to him. He also refuses to do any actual work and sends his lackey, Damodar, to chase the good guys, as if standing around and chewing all the scenery is a full-time job.
Merlin (Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders)
Merlin has returned after centuries of absence to open up a shop in modern day America, circa 1984. With his bulky wife, Zurella, Merlin gives away or loses a number of magical artifacts which wreak havoc ranging from summoning Satan to causing plants to die.
The case against him:
As legend has it, Merlin is one of the greatest and most powerful wizards who has ever lived. Part human, part demon, he is a being of supreme skill and wisdom. Various writings have shown Merlin to have the power of prophecy, telepathy, necromancy, the ability to conjure realistic and terrifying illusions, and even an Obi Wan Kenobi-like "force ghost" power to revisit the living after death.
For being the keeper of all magical knowledge in the world and for supposedly being all-seeing and all-knowing, the Merlin in the '90s made-for-TV Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders would seem not up to the task of working the graveyard shift at a 7-11, much less raising the dead.
Lacking a basic knowledge of economics, Merlin gives away items in his store free of charge to anyone who decides to stop in, and he relies exclusively on a puppet, uh, we mean dragon, named Gwendelin for his security system. When a street hoodlum foils Gwendelin and makes off with an evil toy monkey, Merlin recovers the item not via a location triangulation spell but by handing out 'have you seen me?' flyers bearing the monkey's picture. Why not summon the monkey back using his powers of teleportation? Why not travel back in time and beef up his store's security? Why not rain hellfire down upon the earth, destroying the monkey and most of the planet's inhabitants? Unfortunately, we may never know.
Gargamel (The Smurfs)
Gargamel is a hermit "wizard" who is the Smurfs' main antagonist. At various times he either wants to capture the Smurfs and use them as part of a potion that creates gold, or he wants to eat them. The Smurfs are a versatile resource for Gargamel.
The case against him:
If successful wizarding were baseball, Gargamel would be the White Sox. His only goal in life is to capture the Smurfs and since all Smurfs are roughly the size of squirrels and subsist almost entirely on a diet of Smurfberries, one would conclude that a basic knowledge of mousetraps would do the trick.
Instead, Gargamel, with the entire arsenal of potions from the wizarding world at his disposal, launches infuriatingly complicated Rube Goldbergian magical schemes, and completely fails every single time.
Being outsmarted by a Smurf is like being outsmarted by one of your shoes. The Smurfs each fulfill a specific function in their little communist utopia, such as being bashful, vain or gay. Take them out of that element and they have no idea how to cope outside of screaming their blue heads off to get Papa Smurf to rescue them. The fact that Papa Smurf usually does rescue them by using his own magical powers means that Papa Smurf is actually a far greater wizard than Gargamel. By extension this probably also means that one of your shoes is likely a far greater wizard than Gargamel.
Ulrich of Craggenmoor (Dragonslayer)
In this 1981 cult classic, Ulrich of Craggenmoor is the only wizard left in the world, or at least the world known as the Kingdom of Urland in which the film takes place. He is almost immediately killed while showing off for a knight named Tyrian.
The case against him:
You might think it's a little unfair to pick on a wizard who dies right at the beginning of his film, and we'd have to agree with you in most cases except this one. When Ulrich dies, no one remains to defeat the evil dragon, Valerian, except Ulrich's doofy apprentice, Galen Bradwarden. The entire movie passes by before you find out Ulrich died on purpose so Galen could bring him back to life at the end, thus saving Ulrich from an entire movie's worth of walking around.
That's right--he'd rather die than exert himself a little. Here we're not even discussing wizarding powers-Ulrich is simply an extremely lazy human being. As a wizard, you'd think there would be an easier means other than causing one's own death to span distances or time. Cryogenic freezing would be one. Carbonite would be another. As would turning one's self into some kind of winged creature and gliding to wherever it is you're going.
Any decent wizard should have any number of these options at his fingertips, and by all accounts Ulrich was a more-than-decent wizard. Then again, if part of Ulrich's decision to die was to get out of having to hang out with that dumbass Galen for the entire movie, we have an entirely new respect for him.
Gandalf (The Lord of the Rings)
Gandalf is a wizened old wizard beloved by Hobbits and various other things in part due to his curmudgeonly nature and propensity for smoking weed while lighting off trippy fireworks. In the films, he has a working knowledge of Middle Earth geography, has a number of decent contacts amongst the ruling parties of the land and is there with his glowing staff whenever anyone needs a flashlight.
The case against him:
In the books, Gandalf is a being of extraordinary magical prowess. Immortality, for starters. He also happens to be able to disappear at will, is apparently impervious to injury, can conjure and control fire, has limitless knowledge of spells, potions, and sorcery, and is all but unequaled in the wizard world.
In the films, though, we primarily see his ability to speak ominously when any Hobbit gives him any lip, and for being able to produce light from the end of his decorative stick. Without warning, he'll flash real ability, such as when he went toe-to-toe with the massive fiery Balrog (complete with a cool-ass invincibility bubble that would have come in handy on about 200 other occasions).
That he chooses to use those skills so rarely with all of Middle Earth at stake must have been incredibly frustrating for the people who had to work with him. If he can defeat a Balrog, why does he spend 12 hours sitting around trying to figure out the password to the Gates of Moria? Why not just blow them up with a silent rock-exploding spell? Why is a super-powered wizard with unlimited magical ability doing fighting orcs hand-to-hand?
This is like melting ants with a magnifying glass when you have access to an M1 Abrams tank. The same guy who can make magical force fields that will block a giant demon sword in the first film, goes charging into battle in the third by smacking people with his staff.
Gandalf's laziness as a wizard is cemented by his perpetual spankings at the hand of Saruman, who one-ups Gandalf time and again.
Gandalf shoves Saruman with his stick, Saruman then makes Gandalf spin wildly on his head and then levitates thousands of feet to the top of Isengard Tower. Gandalf speaks to butterflies, Saruman creates a new race of super-monsters. Gandalf makes fireworks, Saruman creates an avalanche from hundreds of miles away.
It kind of makes it hard to root for Gandalf to be top wizard in Middle Earth. Saruman sort of earned it.
If you'd like to read us bitch and moan about other movie conventions that probably didn't bother you until now, check out our rundown of The 6 Movie Formulas That Must be Stopped. Then, read about one movie in particular that's pissing Wayne Gladstone off (It should be noted at this point that Wayne gets pissed off about celebrity nanny hiring criteria and Spice Girls reunion tours, so he might just be an angry man)
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Oddly, Gandalf is beyond powerful, but equally powerful is Tom Bobidil, a where-bear God who could have simply crushed the One Ring and end the trip to Mt Oh Crap That's Hot. Its been said (or heavily implied) Potter is to be more powerful than Dumbledore.
ReplyI'm seeing a severe lack of Avatar from Wizards from 1977. The whole movie builds up this insane battle between the good brother wizard and the evil brother wizard. What happens in the end right as the magic is about to get flung like monkey poop? Avatar pulls out a gun from his wizard robe and shoots his brother. lol if that's not lazy wizardry I dunno what is lol!!!
ReplyDeus Ex Machina. There, I said it. That's why they don't. I think I should write a book that self-parodies at every turn when they ask the wizard "Hey! Can you help?"
ReplyThe most powerful magic of all is not using it - Terry Pratchett
ReplyDumbledore can kill anyone, but not Voldemort because of the whole soul splitting thing. Or maybe because he's gay, who knows for sure. However, he used Harry the entire time to find out snake-face's secret of being a pain in the ass. Once he did that, he killed himself to give Harry the chance to finish the job.
ReplyAs for Gandalf, I never understood the hand-to-hand thing either. Why not just launch nice little magic trick and wipe the floor of the steriod fed elephants, like a nice giant ditch, guide the catapult ammo, or perma blind the drivers. My theory is that Tolkien knew the video game would cover all that.
Gandalf is a wizard, he shouldn't know jack about sword fighting, but he is really friggin good at it. Therefore I theorize that he buffed up with stoneskin and mage armor and the like, and then cast Tenser's Transformation and just went to town duel wielding 2 2-H weps.
one of the main reasons wizards are pansies (or portrayed as such) is that there is a rarely mentioned (rule) of magic that you aren't supposed to be going around stopping all the evil yourself because then you get famous, and people expect it and then they are calling you at 3 am because the wife is drunk and beating you with a frying pan again and people get lazy. "well why don't ya just conjure up some grain why do we need to tend fields all day?"
ReplyMagery has this whole, "exists to protect the people who will become the leaders and heros but cant be used unless these important people will definitely die otherwise" (except for minor conveniences like a flashlight)
I am not saying this is some universal truth, I'm saying this is the formula writers keep obeying whether they realize it or not. Having made the mistake of writing a story with a protagonist with far too much power, the stroy gets quite short when they only have to use a power you almost forgot you introduced 3 chapters ago.
Whoever wrote this clearly hasn't read the Harry Potter books and just saw the movies, which don't explain things like the time turners as clearly as the books do. I've heard people say, 'Why didn't they use the time turners before?' or 'Why didn't they use it after?' First of all, as someone here already pointed out, the time turners get destroyed in the fifth book, which explains why they don't use them later. Second of all, in the Harry Potter universe, when a time turner is used, it doesn't create a parallel reality like in say, Back to the Future. In the Harry Potter world, going back in time and trying to kill Voldemort would sort of be like the grandfather paradox. It's just impossible. I know what you're thinking: if they have magic then why isn't it impossible? The reason why is that JK Rowling clearly said that the story needed to have boundaries, things that magic can't do. For example, magic can't reawaken the dead, and it can't make people fall in love. Not having boundaries would be just lazy writing. And about Voldemort, when Dumbledore first met him as a child, he didn't know that he was going to be the 'wizard anti-Christ,' so he had no reason to kill him. Nobody else did because as a younger man, he was described as charming. Dumbledore just thought he was a little strange, but he didn't realise the full extent of Voldemort's evil until years later. It's sort of like meeting a nice neighbour only to find out that he's a sex offender. People who are evil often groom others, fool them into thinking that they're good people.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesUsing a device, then throwing it away for convenience's shake is lazy writing. Using time travel than forbidding it is really cheap. The way Rowling dealt with the matter was cheap. She knew it would spoil the plot so she got rid of the time turners. But the real problem with using this kind of time travel (which is the kind used in Lost, also), is that it means that the future is written. A "you can't change the past" thing means that you are destined to travel back in time. If you look at what happens in the Prisoner of Azkaban, you realise that the events unfold as they do because the gang travels back in time, some point in the future. Since Harry was saved by himself, it's not his decision to travel back in time. If he could decide against it, how was he saved from the dementors?
It's lazy typing to use 'than' instead of 'then'.
When someone systematically misspells a word it's a mistake, otherwise it's a typo. Read the first line again.
There are reasons in LoTR Lore that explain why Gandalf didn't end the War of the Ring in a day. I'm not going to recount them, because that would be a very long comment, but if you are a fan of LoTR then I suggest you check out Tolkien's 12-volume "The History of Middle Earth", as well as his letters, of which there are several, and "The Silmarillion" (a prequel to both "The History of Middle Earth" and "The Hobbit" (which is itself the direct prequel to the original LoTR trilogy).
ReplyWhat I will say is this: When Gandalf faced Saruman, he was Gandalf the Grey, and Saruman was the white wizard, the greatest of the wizards at the time. It wasn't until Gandalf sacrificed himself and was sent back that he was "upgraded" to Gandalf the White. At that point he was more powerful than Saruman.
And of course, there is always the real reason: Tolkien wanted to tell a good story, and if he had his wisest and most powerful character end it in less than ten chapters, the greatest fictional tale of the last century would not have left the mark it did on society.
Actually, you're wrong. Tolkien didn't give a f**k about LotR. It was a background for the Sindarin language he came up with. It wasn't even meant to be an awesome fictional tale or anything. You apparently know nothing about Lord of the Rings or Tolkien.
I love how everyone is jumping to clear Gandalf's name but no one seems to be able to explain Gargamel or Skeletor. I can't either, I'm just amused is all.=P
ReplyStill, I really enjoyed this article.
Because a lot of those movies/saga's would've ended before they could define a generation. Honestly.
ReplyMy pops and I go through this conversation almost every episode of every series. "Why would they do that? That's so stupid!" Followed by "Well I guess we wouldn't have a conflict." I know it's a humor article, but still. I reserve the right to pick at nits.
In conclusion, let all writers of fantasy take warning: the great-and-powerful wizard is almost never the protagonist. However awesome he may seem in your imagination, remember that in practice you're going to have to come up with endless excuses to keep him away from the action so your wet-behind-the-ears hero can blunder toward success on his own.
ReplyI have to agree with many other readers about the character building business. Take Dumbledore for example: It's basically implied throughout the books that he knew the score backwards and forwards. He knew Harry was the chosen one to defeat Voldy and that holding his hand would not create a champion for the wizarding world. The fact is that Harry had to learn about the severity of the situation in order to realize how important it was to survive and also you know...character building and morality. Also, just to play devil's advocate, maybe Dumbledore DID use the time turner. What if the reason for his world-weariness over the situation had nothing to do with being old and wise but having to see Harry die a dozen times over from mistakes he had made with a bit too much hand holding and bit worse luck?
ReplyAs for the other examples, I'd say chalk it up to story-telling. There are many examples of extremely powerful characters no using the full extent of their abilities, and whatever bullshit reason they give is little more than author's convenience. Yes, a story could be solved so much quicker if so-and-so used a bit of their magic mojo to do certain things, but then there would be a very unexciting story.
As for LOtR, as ambitious as the movies are I know they had to cut out a lot of details and such sacrifices are often to the detriments of some characters or plot points.
'[Gandalf] also happens to be able to disappear at will, is apparently impervious to injury..."
ReplyThere's nothing in the books or the movies to suggest this. Gandalf doesn't "disappear" any more than a man who ducks behind a convenient bush has disappeared. Gandalf has his own things to take care of and can't be babysitting the heroes the entire time. As for being impervious to injury, Tolkien explained this in one of his many letters:
"By 'incarnate' I mean they were embodied in physical bodies capable of pain, and weariness, and of afflicting the spirit with physical fear, and of being 'killed', though supported by the angelic spirit they might endure long, and only show slowly the wearing of care and labour."
[The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien, (#156)]
As for why Gandalf doesn't take a more direct hand in the War of the Ring, that gets a little more complicated. In a previous age, the Valar -- basically higher deities -- tried to coddle the people of Middle Earth which led to rebellion and war, so when Sauron started causing trouble, instead of directly interfering in the affairs Middle Earth again, the Valar appointed Maia -- basically lower deities or angels -- to act as sages, offering wisdom and counsel but leaving the actual decision making to the people. In fact, the Valar strictly forbade the Maia from directly solving the people's problems.
"At this point in the fabulous history the purpose was precisely to limit and hinder their exhibition of 'power' on the physical plane, and so that they should do what they were primarily sent for: train, advise, instruct, arouse the hearts and minds of those threatened by Sauron to a resistance with their own strengths..."
[The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien, (#156)]
The fact is, Gandalf actually did die during his confrontation with the Balrog but his spirit was sent back by the Iluvatar -- the supreme deity -- to complete his mission. However, it was a true sacrifice on Gandalf's part because he had no expectation that he would be resurrected from the dead.
"...So Gandalf sacrificed himself, was accepted, and enhanced, and returned. 'Yes, that was the name. I was Gandalf.' Of course, he remains similar in personality and idiosyncrasy, but both his wisdom and power are much greater. When he speaks he commands attention; the old Gandalf could not have dealt so with Theoden, nor with Saruman. He is still under the obligation of concealing his power and teaching rather than forcing or dominating wills, but where the physical powers of the Enemy are too great for the good will of the opposers to be effective he can act in emergency as an 'angel' - no more violently than the release of St. Peter from prison...."
[The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien, (#156)]
Finally, it's worth pointing out that Saruman actually was more powerful than Gandalf, at least until Gandalf returned from the dead, so Gandalf wasn't being lazy in his confrontation with Saruman, he was simply outmatched.
i wont make this point now! it says in the "rings of power and the third age" that only cirdan was there when the istari came from valinor. they where forbidden from using their power.
from a giant tolkien fan, well done for a very well researched and explanatory comment. f**k that was hard to write stoned
Damn, Christian. All of your arguments are easily explained away by hand-waving inanities. Like "character building". Yep, Gandalf was encouraging character building... and genocide of the human race.
ReplyGandalf knew the character-building worth of not relying on magic for any and all things and it was a moth he spoke with at the top of Orthanc.
ReplyYou seriously need to re-read and re-think the mentality behind the Lord of the Rings...
ReplyDumbledore planned his own death. If you read the 7th book, you know that Dumbledore knew (thanks to Snape) that Voldemort was going to kill him by sending Draco to kill him. Dumbledore knew Draco was going to fail, and if he didn't he didn't want to break the kid's soul. So he had Snape make sure that he killed Dumbledore. Dumbledore also knew it was his time to go and for Harry to step up and finally defeat Voldemort.
ReplyAlso, he was already dying from the cursed ring he touched. All the resources he had available barely kept it at bay. If Snape and Draco hadn't approached him on that tower, he would have been dead soon anyway.
Well let me also add my defense of one of the wizards on the list, in "The Prisoner of Azkaban" the rules for using a time turner were made very explicit. As for why Dumbledore doesn't use one later, in "The Order of The Phoenix" when the kids are all fighting the death eaters in the department of mysteries they break the shelf with the time turners and break the whole lot, so after that there are no more time turners.
ReplyWhy didn't he use one before that? If the time turner exists AT ALL why does NOBODY in the entire f*****g universe say "You know what's a good idea? Killing Voldemort!"? It makes no sense. Also, clearly messing up the time line has no effect, as Harry does it. Besides, all they say it would do is confuse people.
Saruman is the most powerful Wizard in the Wizarding Order. He was the first Wizard ever and ruled the Order. In his thirst for power (begun long before The Lord of the Rings) he destroyed Radagast the Brown and Alatar and Pallando the Blue, leaving himself and Gandalf as the only remaining Istari(Wizards)
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesNo he didn't, Radagast the Brown is in the Fellowship...
FlyingCarrot, are you retarded? The Fellowship was Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, and Gandalf.
I would imagine he means that Radagast is mentioned as being alive in the BOOK The Fellowship of the Ring with nothing about Saruman having destroyed him.
He didn't destroy Alatar or Pallando; they were in the Harad and the south. They took themselves out of the Order of the Istari by becoming false gods to the Haradrim and the Southrons. That's the reason they fought for Sauron: they had turned evil from worshipping idols
I don't wanna sound like a uber-nerd buuuuuuttt.... I feel Gandalf's name must be cleared.
ReplyThe Wizards were supposedly a race of super beings, they sent a couple to middle earth (enter gandalf and saruman). These wizards are supposed to guide the beings of middle earth not control them. Saruman breaks this rule and uses his powers for evil (enter urak hai).
Gandalf still follows the original order though (example: f*****g fireworks). Why? Cuz he's f*****g gandalf, that's why. And good guys usually don't resort to the methods or actions of their foes. A little gay but that's our society for you. Glorifying the hard way.
Anyway, Gandalf rarely uses his powers in the books because he follows this conviction. In the movies? Peter Jackson sucks? I don't know. The movies aren't bad but they did mess a few things up so this isn't shocking.
And so, I defend gandalf. Will gladly argue with anyone who feels up to the task.
Scrolled down and saw someone made the same argument. My bad. Should have looked first I guess.
Gandalf was about as powerful as the Witch King of Angmar. he didn't want to attract attention to this fact too early in the campaign because he wasn't sure if he could beat him.