#10. Jesus "Action" Figures
This line of figurines represents Jesus being kick-ass at a variety of activities from bull riding to ... reading. Well, despite the one weak entry, this set seems to suggest the Messiah was all about getting busy in a variety of ways. The football figurine was controversial, because the Methodists assert Jesus was a running quarterback while other denominations insist the Lord was strictly a pocket passer.
The next set of figures will include Jesus in a kickboxing tournament, Jesus hunting man for sport and Jesus choke-slamming the Pope through a steel cage.
#9. Armor of God Pajamas
These days, for a child, sleep is a constant battle with the forces of darkness. Now you can help your kids defeat darkness with the Armor of God pajamas. It is thought to be the ultimate test of a man's faith when he can enter battle with nothing but a cushy pajama shield.
#8. Lookin' Good For Jesus Mini Kit
Far be it from us to tell any woman how to live, but we might suggest if you're down a path that leads you to "whore for Jesus," (which we didn't know even qualified as a path) we suggest maybe rethinking it.
Nonetheless, someone made the Lookin' Good for Jesus Kit, which contains a mirrored Jesus statuette, vanilla nectar lip balm, Easter-Lily hand and body cream (with sparkle!) and a folding mirror compact. The top of the package, adorned with eerie looking cartoon women staring googly-eyed at the Lord, says "Get His Attention" and implicitly adds "by being a skanky abomination."
#7. Jesus is My Coach
We don't know exactly what the designer of these statues was going for, probably some kind of After School Special bullshit about believing in yourself or not abusing PCP or whatever. Nonetheless, when they designed the "Jesus is my Gymnastics Coach" statue, they were either the sickest bastards on earth or so genuinely clean-minded, they couldn't conceive of the thousand and one horribly offensive jokes we've made since seeing this thing, none of which we're going to print here.
#6. Jesus Holiday Specs 3D Glasses
Jesus was known to perform more miracles than you could shake a stick at, but who knew any of those miracles involved viewing the world in 3D? And while we can appreciate that the world already exists in 3D, that didn't stop someone from making these glasses that let you see the world the way Jesus did, which is to say the word "Jesus" will float around your face like some kind of annoying hallucination.
#5. Grow a Buddha
Christians don't have the market on shitty merchandise cornered by a long shot, as witnessed by the stunning Grow-A Buddha, because as the box notes, "growing your Buddha is the first step on your path to enlightenment." Whatever the fuck that means.
This Buddha will grow 600 percent of its original size if you put it in water, after which time we assume you use it to wash your car or smear on seeds and watch him grow a Chia afro.
#4. Grapes of Galilee Wine
Because few things compliment a pious lifestyle like getting shit faced, Haroz wineries gives us the Grapes of Galilee wine, from vineyards right in Jesus' old neighborhood. The crops are even irrigated with waters from the river Jordan where Jesus was baptized and where, in 2006, raw sewage was dumped. Who knows, Jesus Himself may have eaten the great, great, great grandfather of the grape that got pressed into the wine you're drinking.
#3. Teen Witch Kit
Not nearly as cool or practical as being a Teen Wolf, which would at least make you a kick-ass basketball player, the Teen Witch Kit does offer you an understanding of Wicca, which some vegans in a commune in Northern California assure us is really a religion.
Not only that, this kit lays out a furious groin kick to cheap-ass religions like Christianity that only offer eternal salvation. This kit provides interested teens with spells for things like ... shopping guidance. Wait, is there a more expensive kit that will let us throw lightning and shit? If so, we're saving up for that one.
#2. Bibleman Video Game
Remember the mid '90s when, for a brief period of time, there was a standing rule that if you could think up any preposterous shit while completely hammered on Robitussin, someone would film it for you and make it into a long running series? Neither do we, but it must have happened somewhere to account for the Bibleman television show. Now, you too can kick ass for the Lord in video game form.
#1. Dog Nativity Set
As you're no doubt aware, the most common complaint about nativity scenes is they're too prejudiced against non humans. After all, who are the dogs supposed to pray to?
Luckily, some intrepid inventor out there took a stand and made the Dog Nativity Scene featuring Mary, Joseph, some wise men and the Messiah Himself, all as partially clothed canines. It's blaspheming fun for the whole family, assuming your family enjoys dodging angry thunderbolts and plagues.
Apparently it's not just religious types who insist on making children's playthings into specters of genuine terror, as we discovered in our rundown of The 25 Most Baffling Toys From Around the World. And don't miss Ross Wolinksy's play by play on YouTube's most aggravating election '08 video yet.