5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity
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#1.
Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris, who you may know from memes on Teh Internets, was also an action star back in the '70s and '80s. He carved his niche by combining martial arts with rednecks and patriotism, a pairing renowned for its deadly fusion weaponry, such as the Skoal can throwing star and jerky-chucks. Norris was a respected contemporary of Bruce Lee in early kung fu films, though he actually specializes in the art of Tae Kwon Do, where he is one of only a handful of Westerners to be awarded the rank of 8th degree Black Belt Grand Master, a title that could only be made more intimidating if it appended the words 'of Death' to the end. Chuck Norris epitomized the Americanization of martial arts. He was not only the most skilled of the Western action stars, but also the most American. Sure, Dudikoff may have sported a flat-top and pulled a sword in front of a giant American flag, but Norris one-ups him completely--wearing what stylists refer to as 'a Fuck-You Mullet' while unsheathing his two uzis and greased-up chest. This isn't even from a movie; it's his goddamn driver's license. Norris' first major role was standing toe-to-toe with Bruce Lee in Way of the Dragon, where he actually managed to kick him in the face once. That doesn't sound terribly impressive, until you remember that Bruce Lee invented legs just so he'd have two more things to beat you with when his fists got bored. Most Epic Moment Caught on Film:This trailer for one of Norris' first starring roles, Slaughter in San Francisco, shows exactly how Chuck got where he is: he was lithe, fast, ripped to the gills and merciless. Chuck Norris plays the role of Chuck Slaughter (good Lord!) a ruthless kung fu mob boss. However, as the trailer attempts to warn you, "the roles he plays, he plays for real." The implication being that for this movie Chuck Norris, in classical method acting tradition, actually kills everybody who disobeys him, kidnaps an old man, and then rapes a Chinese woman enthusiastically. The trailer poses the question, "Can Chuck Norris be stopped?" Then immediately cuts to about 45 seconds of Chuck Norris beating the Holy Spirit out of the movie's protagonist. The answer, clearly; a resounding "fuck no." The Sad Decline:
In his later movies, the fight scenes don't even bother building suspense by letting the bad guys touch Chuck. He holds a foot out, the camera settles itself behind it, and you sit back and watch as a disembodied boot mows down wave after wave of anonymous terrorist. Some actors phone it in when they're not into a movie; Chuck Norris didn't even send a fax. Eventually he decided he may as well write the parts himself, and proceeded to create Walker, Texas Ranger. A show he at various points wrote, produced, directed, starred in and even sang the theme song for. It depicts him as everything from a cop to the messiah. Chuck Norris focused his steely glare entirely on Walker, Texas Ranger to the exclusion of all other projects. The show rapidly devolved into a masturbatory tribute to Chuck Norris by Chuck Norris, spouting scene after scene of hero worship so out of touch with reality it became the most unintentionally hilarious show on television. Most Pathetic Moment Caught on Film:In this clip from one of the later seasons of Walker, Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris wrestles a bear and wins. He not only wins, he wins by stare down. The background flutes imply that his stare possesses Native American magic. Honestly, though, no one clip can do the fantastic, science-fiction scale arrogance of Chuck Norris justice. So how about this one where he shoots down an attack helicopter with the bazooka he keeps in the gun-rack on his pickup truck. Or this one, where he wins a French rodeo just to show them how we roll here in America land. Or, if you prefer, the simple elegance of this one, where he just flies away on his jet pack. Robert Brockway has his own website at IFightRobots.com. Chuck Norris not manly enough for you? Check out our list of The 9 Manliest Names in the World. Or, if this is all too highbrow just watch this video of a monkey peeing into his own mouth. |
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After a decade or so of kicking the world's eyeballs in the nuts, anybody is bound to develop an ego. Chuck Norris decided that wasn't enough, and outdid everybody by cultivating arrogance so magnificent it wears a tiny cape and crown of its own.
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Hey Gayinator, you reminded me of a man I met a couple of years ago named Ji Han Jae. He is a 10th Dan black belt and the founder of Hapkido. Which if you are unfamiliar with Hapkido, is the art of putting someone in a ridiculous amount of pain without actually killing them. He was 73 I believe at the time and I'm pretty sure he could make a man cry by looking at him. He also trained Bruce Lee. Seriously.
Chuck lost all respect when he wrote on his regular ultra right wing christian blog when asked What would he do if he was president he replied "I would tattoo the American flag and IN GOD WE TRUST on the forehead of every atheist.
What a tool.
Probably the lowest point any of these guys reached was when Seagal started to think he actually was one of his movies characters and started claiming he was an ex-CIA Black-Ops agent but he couldn't tell you about it and there were no records because it was so secret.
Mr Seagal's character has a poor understanding of how one performs an investigation. I am no expert, but after watching hundreds of hours of Law and Order, Forensic Files, The Investigators, I am pretty sure he just ruined any legal case the department may have had, as well as blowing its budget for the next several years on personal injury lawsuits and civil rights violations.
awesome :D
Why they didnt just shoot the Seagal in Out for Justice? Oh yeah, cause they had a guy named Sticks to take care of business.
Chuck Norris' REAL most pathetic moment? When he tried to take Ian Spector to court over the first Chuck Norris facts book. He actually believed that a bunch of silly jokes would be damaging to his career. That is like saying that a light drizzle would be damaging to my Buick. Light drizzle doesn't damage anything, and I junked my Buick years ago.
IM SORRY BUT THE ONLY GUY HERE WHO IS TRUELY HARDCORE IS STEVEN SEAGAL! BECAUSE I RECKON STILL TO THIS DAY IF YOU STEP ON HIS TOE WHILE WAITING IN THE POPCORN LINE AT THE CINEMA, HE'LL BEAT YOU DOWN LIKE A RED HEADED STEP CHILD!!!
Growing up, Bruce and Carradine became symbols for me. I admired Bruce because of how hard he worked to become the man people will remember him as. Carradine on the other hand made me realized that despite the fact that you're unqualified, you can get anything you want on a silver platter for bullshit reasons.
PS-Chuck Norris jokes are not funny anymore.
Poor David Carradine Died From Asphyhxiation While Chokin'His Chicken In a Bangkok Hotel Room!!!
Bsically,Auto Erotic Asphyxiation Is Usually Practiced By Teen Aged Boys,
Not 60 Something Washed Up Action Stars!!!
Chuck Norris Wouldn't Die From Auto Erotic Asphyixiantion!!
No,When Chuck Norris Chokes His Chicken,He Chokes A Real Chicken!!!
"Damn You Stink Man!!".
Out of context, that Steven Seagal clip kind of makes him seem like an a*****e.
The rank of 8th degree black belt doesn't just sound badass. You have to be badass to possess the title. I know one, an eighty-something (he, for some weird reason, claimed to be eighty-five for three years straight, then said he was eighty-two. He's kind of weird) year old man who lives in Michigan. He was the instructor of my Tae Kwon Do instructor. It was a moderately famous news story in the area when a burglar broke into his house and attacked him with a knife when he told him to leave. The man broke his wrist and threw him out the window, then called the police, only sustaining a single cut to the thigh. He was in his late seventies at the time (or so he said at that point in time). Strange personality, but he's a complete badass.
Kwai Chang Caine was supposed to be the first white man allowed into the monastery.
According to an interview I watched during my recent David Carradine marathon, the stuff about him being cast in Kung Fu due to racism is mostly rumour. He did concede that he got most of his inspiration from Spock, however.
R.I.P. David Carradine.
The lyrics of the song Van Damme dances is something like "Motorcycle dance, motorcycle dance! Big butted females loose control!"
Sometimes, just sometimes, I'm ashamed of my country's culture...
Not more ashamed than Belgians must be.
To be fair to Chuck Norris, in that clip he doesn't drive the bear off by the power of his retirement-age muscles but instead by the power of his over-inflated ego. Even Chuck knows a human being outwrestling a grizzly bear would be farking ridiculous.
I once jumped in front of David Caradine at a convention, gave him a karate pose & yelled, "HAIIII!" & he just walked by me. p***y. True story.
Oh what-the-f**k-ever. Chuck Norris pwned that f*****g bear.
Shame on you, Cracked. Shame on you for doubting Norris. I emailed him a link to this. Watch your asses.
Van Damme is back now with JCVD.
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You know I honestly thought that the link to the video of Walker flying a jet pack was just going to send me to a page that said "Nah...We were just f*****g with you, Walker was a bad show, but not THAT bad" I'm sorry I was disappointed.