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5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity

By Robert Brockway January 22, 2008 1,776,599 views
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#1.
Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris, who you may know from memes on Teh Internets, was also an action star back in the '70s and '80s. He carved his niche by combining martial arts with rednecks and patriotism, a pairing renowned for its deadly fusion weaponry, such as the Skoal can throwing star and jerky-chucks. Norris was a respected contemporary of Bruce Lee in early kung fu films, though he actually specializes in the art of Tae Kwon Do, where he is one of only a handful of Westerners to be awarded the rank of 8th degree Black Belt Grand Master, a title that could only be made more intimidating if it appended the words 'of Death' to the end.

Chuck Norris epitomized the Americanization of martial arts. He was not only the most skilled of the Western action stars, but also the most American. Sure, Dudikoff may have sported a flat-top and pulled a sword in front of a giant American flag, but Norris one-ups him completely--wearing what stylists refer to as 'a Fuck-You Mullet' while unsheathing his two uzis and greased-up chest. This isn't even from a movie; it's his goddamn driver's license.

Norris' first major role was standing toe-to-toe with Bruce Lee in Way of the Dragon, where he actually managed to kick him in the face once. That doesn't sound terribly impressive, until you remember that Bruce Lee invented legs just so he'd have two more things to beat you with when his fists got bored.

Most Epic Moment Caught on Film:

This trailer for one of Norris' first starring roles, Slaughter in San Francisco, shows exactly how Chuck got where he is: he was lithe, fast, ripped to the gills and merciless. Chuck Norris plays the role of Chuck Slaughter (good Lord!) a ruthless kung fu mob boss. However, as the trailer attempts to warn you, "the roles he plays, he plays for real." The implication being that for this movie Chuck Norris, in classical method acting tradition, actually kills everybody who disobeys him, kidnaps an old man, and then rapes a Chinese woman enthusiastically.

The trailer poses the question, "Can Chuck Norris be stopped?" Then immediately cuts to about 45 seconds of Chuck Norris beating the Holy Spirit out of the movie's protagonist. The answer, clearly; a resounding "fuck no."

The Sad Decline:

After a decade or so of kicking the world's eyeballs in the nuts, anybody is bound to develop an ego. Chuck Norris decided that wasn't enough, and outdid everybody by cultivating arrogance so magnificent it wears a tiny cape and crown of its own.

In his later movies, the fight scenes don't even bother building suspense by letting the bad guys touch Chuck. He holds a foot out, the camera settles itself behind it, and you sit back and watch as a disembodied boot mows down wave after wave of anonymous terrorist. Some actors phone it in when they're not into a movie; Chuck Norris didn't even send a fax. Eventually he decided he may as well write the parts himself, and proceeded to create Walker, Texas Ranger. A show he at various points wrote, produced, directed, starred in and even sang the theme song for. It depicts him as everything from a cop to the messiah.

Chuck Norris focused his steely glare entirely on Walker, Texas Ranger to the exclusion of all other projects. The show rapidly devolved into a masturbatory tribute to Chuck Norris by Chuck Norris, spouting scene after scene of hero worship so out of touch with reality it became the most unintentionally hilarious show on television.

Most Pathetic Moment Caught on Film:

In this clip from one of the later seasons of Walker, Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris wrestles a bear and wins. He not only wins, he wins by stare down. The background flutes imply that his stare possesses Native American magic. Honestly, though, no one clip can do the fantastic, science-fiction scale arrogance of Chuck Norris justice. So how about this one where he shoots down an attack helicopter with the bazooka he keeps in the gun-rack on his pickup truck. Or this one, where he wins a French rodeo just to show them how we roll here in America land. Or, if you prefer, the simple elegance of this one, where he just flies away on his jet pack.

Robert Brockway has his own website at IFightRobots.com.

Chuck Norris not manly enough for you? Check out our list of The 9 Manliest Names in the World. Or, if this is all too highbrow just watch this video of a monkey peeing into his own mouth.


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202 Comments

Poor David Carradine Died From Asphyhxiation While Chokin'His Chicken In a Bangkok Hotel Room!!!
Bsically,Auto Erotic Asphyxiation Is Usually Practiced By Teen Aged Boys,
Not 60 Something Washed Up Action Stars!!!
Chuck Norris Wouldn't Die From Auto Erotic Asphyixiantion!!
No,When Chuck Norris Chokes His Chicken,He Chokes A Real Chicken!!!
"Damn You Stink Man!!".

6/27/2009 7:38:32 AM
TheEnemyBelow

Out of context, that Steven Seagal clip kind of makes him seem like an a*****e.

6/23/2009 10:47:29 AM
niko4ever

The rank of 8th degree black belt doesn't just sound badass. You have to be badass to possess the title. I know one, an eighty-something (he, for some weird reason, claimed to be eighty-five for three years straight, then said he was eighty-two. He's kind of weird) year old man who lives in Michigan. He was the instructor of my Tae Kwon Do instructor. It was a moderately famous news story in the area when a burglar broke into his house and attacked him with a knife when he told him to leave. The man broke his wrist and threw him out the window, then called the police, only sustaining a single cut to the thigh. He was in his late seventies at the time (or so he said at that point in time). Strange personality, but he's a complete badass.

6/17/2009 5:44:10 AM
TheGayinator

Kwai Chang Caine was supposed to be the first white man allowed into the monastery.
According to an interview I watched during my recent David Carradine marathon, the stuff about him being cast in Kung Fu due to racism is mostly rumour. He did concede that he got most of his inspiration from Spock, however.

6/15/2009 12:11:49 PM
KxWaal

R.I.P. David Carradine.

6/4/2009 11:56:51 AM
crackcorn

The lyrics of the song Van Damme dances is something like "Motorcycle dance, motorcycle dance! Big butted females loose control!"
Sometimes, just sometimes, I'm ashamed of my country's culture...
Not more ashamed than Belgians must be.

4/14/2009 10:29:57 AM
Ana

To be fair to Chuck Norris, in that clip he doesn't drive the bear off by the power of his retirement-age muscles but instead by the power of his over-inflated ego. Even Chuck knows a human being outwrestling a grizzly bear would be farking ridiculous.

3/30/2009 12:37:15 AM
Atavist

I once jumped in front of David Caradine at a convention, gave him a karate pose & yelled, "HAIIII!" & he just walked by me. p***y. True story.

3/22/2009 11:10:46 PM
Vozpit

Oh what-the-f**k-ever. Chuck Norris pwned that f*****g bear.

Shame on you, Cracked. Shame on you for doubting Norris. I emailed him a link to this. Watch your asses.

3/22/2009 4:34:11 PM
pedoluv

Van Damme is back now with JCVD.

3/8/2009 8:47:23 AM
Henrik

@TheEnemyBelow

What you didn't read that part in the bible? I certainly did?

3/5/2009 1:37:08 PM
docbutters

Poor Chuck!!Ya Know,He Kicked Ass and Took Names In The 80's and Early 90's With Movies Like"Invasion USA"and His Hit TV Show"Walker Texas Ranger"!!
Now He's Shilling In Infomercials For The Bowflex Home Gym,Which Like 99%of Most Home Exercise Equipment Ends Up in a Corner Gathering Dust or Gets Sold For$20.00 at Your Annual Yard Sale or Gets Donated To Either Goodwill or Your Church Thrift Store!!
That's When He's Not Appearing On TBN/PTL/PTM/PTP**(**Pay the Money/Pay the Preachers)Networks Talking About Why We Need Prayer Back In School!!
This From a Man Who Made His Name KIcking The Crap Out Of Folks On TV and In The Movies!!
Yes,Jesus Could Go Chuck Norris on Occassion-ie:Chasing The Moneychangers Out of The Temple For Example!!
But I Never Read Anywhere in The Scriptures How Christ Went Around Roundhouse Kicking Everybody!!

1/26/2009 4:08:30 PM
TheEnemyBelow

At 1:07 in the second Van Damme video you can see the woman look down like "What the f**k is that?"

1/11/2009 10:09:55 AM
cjneill

your fans all over the world will miss you. Rest in peace! I just find you on the celeb and millionaire dating site****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** and he have a chat with you there. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

11/30/2008 6:29:09 AM
oscarfeng

Having actually met David Carradine, he is #1 for assholery. He is a grade A, victim of his own ego f*****t.

11/13/2008 4:38:47 PM
tinkerjenn

Russell Brand's crude remarks to Fawlty Towers Star on BBC Radio

http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ed1b4baf7494d10ab9c9

Who's Nailin Paylin? porn... Find out on

www.TOKILLFOR.com

10/30/2008 5:38:19 PM
dalekiloveyou

Also vandamme was even more pathetic here in belgium where you could find videos of him talking about his philosophy in life (basically it's coke-headed bullshit about god, whales and the ocean) he's pretty famous for this here, for being a total moron and being incredibly stupid.

10/29/2008 4:33:40 PM
Pedro42

about the vandamme part, HOW THE HELL do you even compare BELGIUM (brussels is the capital city you f*cking ignorant piece of s**t) to those gay french, F*CK YOU !

10/29/2008 4:27:39 PM
Pedro42

"a f**k you mullet" beautiful.

i for one would LOVE to see a part 2 article, although nothing compares to segal, there are surely another 5 action heros that should be on this list...

10/15/2008 4:57:34 PM
aeyrhed

In the Van Damme video I like how no hit or kick makes any contact, yet makes a sound.

It's very zenlike.

10/3/2008 10:54:52 AM
shrimpngrits

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