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5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity
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#1.
Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris, who you may know from memes on Teh Internets, was also an action star back in the '70s and '80s. He carved his niche by combining martial arts with rednecks and patriotism, a pairing renowned for its deadly fusion weaponry, such as the Skoal can throwing star and jerky-chucks. Norris was a respected contemporary of Bruce Lee in early kung fu films, though he actually specializes in the art of Tae Kwon Do, where he is one of only a handful of Westerners to be awarded the rank of 8th degree Black Belt Grand Master, a title that could only be made more intimidating if it appended the words 'of Death' to the end. Chuck Norris epitomized the Americanization of martial arts. He was not only the most skilled of the Western action stars, but also the most American. Sure, Dudikoff may have sported a flat-top and pulled a sword in front of a giant American flag, but Norris one-ups him completely--wearing what stylists refer to as 'a Fuck-You Mullet' while unsheathing his two uzis and greased-up chest. This isn't even from a movie; it's his goddamn driver's license. Norris' first major role was standing toe-to-toe with Bruce Lee in Way of the Dragon, where he actually managed to kick him in the face once. That doesn't sound terribly impressive, until you remember that Bruce Lee invented legs just so he'd have two more things to beat you with when his fists got bored. Most Epic Moment Caught on Film:This trailer for one of Norris' first starring roles, Slaughter in San Francisco, shows exactly how Chuck got where he is: he was lithe, fast, ripped to the gills and merciless. Chuck Norris plays the role of Chuck Slaughter (good Lord!) a ruthless kung fu mob boss. However, as the trailer attempts to warn you, "the roles he plays, he plays for real." The implication being that for this movie Chuck Norris, in classical method acting tradition, actually kills everybody who disobeys him, kidnaps an old man, and then rapes a Chinese woman enthusiastically. The trailer poses the question, "Can Chuck Norris be stopped?" Then immediately cuts to about 45 seconds of Chuck Norris beating the Holy Spirit out of the movie's protagonist. The answer, clearly; a resounding "fuck no." The Sad Decline:
In his later movies, the fight scenes don't even bother building suspense by letting the bad guys touch Chuck. He holds a foot out, the camera settles itself behind it, and you sit back and watch as a disembodied boot mows down wave after wave of anonymous terrorist. Some actors phone it in when they're not into a movie; Chuck Norris didn't even send a fax. Eventually he decided he may as well write the parts himself, and proceeded to create Walker, Texas Ranger. A show he at various points wrote, produced, directed, starred in and even sang the theme song for. It depicts him as everything from a cop to the messiah. Chuck Norris focused his steely glare entirely on Walker, Texas Ranger to the exclusion of all other projects. The show rapidly devolved into a masturbatory tribute to Chuck Norris by Chuck Norris, spouting scene after scene of hero worship so out of touch with reality it became the most unintentionally hilarious show on television. Most Pathetic Moment Caught on Film:In this clip from one of the later seasons of Walker, Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris wrestles a bear and wins. He not only wins, he wins by stare down. The background flutes imply that his stare possesses Native American magic. Honestly, though, no one clip can do the fantastic, science-fiction scale arrogance of Chuck Norris justice. So how about this one where he shoots down an attack helicopter with the bazooka he keeps in the gun-rack on his pickup truck. Or this one, where he wins a French rodeo just to show them how we roll here in America land. Or, if you prefer, the simple elegance of this one, where he just flies away on his jet pack. Robert Brockway has his own website at IFightRobots.com. Chuck Norris not manly enough for you? Check out our list of The 9 Manliest Names in the World. Or, if this is all too highbrow just watch this video of a monkey peeing into his own mouth. |
After a decade or so of kicking the world's eyeballs in the nuts, anybody is bound to develop an ego. Chuck Norris decided that wasn't enough, and outdid everybody by cultivating arrogance so magnificent it wears a tiny cape and crown of its own.
132 Comments
Aimed at whoever said it, the Muscles from Brussels is Arnie, not whoever was in that list
Bruce Lee developed the show with a full Chinese man in China. It would have been too expensive to do this so they changed it to a half Chinese man in America. Sorry folks, Bruce Lee would not have fit as half Chinese; and in the Wild West a full-blooded Chinaman would not be able to sink quielty into saloons without being noticed, like Caradine's character. So this whole myth of Carradine getting the role over Lee is wrong; the entire premise of the show changed, and they had no other choice. Plus, had Lee taken the role, and had it taken place in China, the show would have lasted not even a season... because, um... Bruce Lee died.
Fabio
BTW, I was talking about that program that Van Damme gets a BONNER!
Fabio
Hi, I'm from Brazil and I've watched this LIVE on TV! The program is called Domingo Legal, presented by Gugu. It goes live every sunday, at 3p.m. The first girl (blond one) is Sheila Melo, the second is Gretchen (a decadent singer that has made several porns).
Bigbadfokker
Not to bring down Westerners or something but us Asians... our 21 year olds look like your 15 year olds. I'm 26 and people think I'm fresh out of college
git
I nearly crapped in my pants laughing at the Chuck Norris Action Jeans advertisement - it was even funnier than the stupid clip with him scaring away a bear by making what I can only assume is his 'I'm in the process of taking a big shit' face.
Ok, Chuck is Chuck. He's a uniquely weird actor like Jolie. Segal is like his career: pathetic and overrted. Sylvester Stalone is shockingly not on this list. Like Van Damme, He was better in his younger days, but now even his younger brother (who is and agent and side actor) is doing better than he his especially financially. Why is there another freaking Rambo and Rocky Balboa? Because he's that desperate.
Nicol3
Sexin' up pre-teen Asian girls is "all right by me". That Segal music video. I'm freaking scarred for LIFE. Thanks.
KJ
"Norris' first major role was standing toe-to-toe with Bruce Lee in Way of the Dragon, where he actually managed to kick him in the face once. That doesn't sound terribly impressive, until you remember that Bruce Lee invented legs just so he'd have two more things to beat you with when his fists got bored." LMFAO!!!!!!
chuck norris isn't hung like a horse, a horse is hung like chuck norris
Can't think of a creative name.
thanks for pointed out he started in Tang Soo (Su) Doo. That bothered the hell out of me.
The Chuck Stare never fails.
Ram
I forgot action jackson was in american ninja. Fuckin awesome!
Anonymous
Chuck Norris is not a Tae Kwon Do practitioner as your article claims. In fact, he is the Grand Master of Chun Kuk Do, a form which he created himself based on Tang Su Do.
guest
Yeah, Brussels is in Belgium. You were probably thinking of Luxembourg. Fail
Rat
I have to say, Van Damme scores extra points for his guest appearance on Las Vegas. In which he played himself (and given the acting talent he displayed in films like Legionnare, even that must have been difficult for him) and died when a stunt backfired. Subtle commentary on the state of his career?
The Undertaker
To Crazyeyes and a realassuie. Your embrassed by me well embrassed in myself for even getting on this site. I love my country with all my heart and sole i love the freedom the freedom to speech the beaches the close nit communites i love it all. But as gomijin said let's get back to the funny stuff so crazyeye's a saying out of a adam sandler film and a realaussie who probably as never had a fight in his life a person who probably still lives with mum and dad i don't give a shit what you think of me because you don't matter to what is my life.
guest
I actually just ended up feeling bad for 'the muscles from Brussels' after the end of the last video.
gomijin
From the Article: "Jean-Claude Van Damme was born Jean-Claude Camille Francois Van Varenberg in Brussels, which is basically a smaller, comically inept version of France" He was born in Brussels, not France, just as the Article says. Brussels, just the town, not Belgium, the whole country, is called a comically inept version of France, again as the article says. At no point is Brussels called a country. Or, to put it in terms you may understand "learn to read, fuckholes." Seriously, you can do it, Reading Rainbow is on every weekday at ten. Take a magical journey and shut the fuck up.
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al_frank2000
Actually, Schwartzenegger is from Austria. Brussels is in Belgium.