5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity
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#4.
David Carradine
David Carradine is Elvis of kung fu, having the honorable distinction of helping to pioneer western martial arts movies only by virtue of blatant racism. He is most famous for playing the lead in the 1970s kung fu serial, creatively titled Kung Fu, winning the part from Bruce Lee, even though Lee helped create the show for the sole purpose of acting in it. Apparently no one told Bruce that at that time Chinese people were considered "too Chinese" to play Chinese people. Carradine is slightly less famous for playing the titular Bill in Quentin Tarantino's gold-plated B-movie and pop culture circle jerk, Kill Bill. He is not famous at all for the remake of Kung Fu, titled even more creatively, Kung Fu: The Legend Continues. David Carradine was not only on the forefront of the burgeoning martial arts genre, but his role actually created the concept of the karate cowboy; a character which can be seen later in such examples as Chuck Norris' Walker, Texas Ranger or the Patrick Swayze action vehicle (which we would totally drive), Roadhouse. Some die-hard fans consider Carradine a disgrace because of his lack of expertise while starring in Kung Fu (he didn't actually know any martial arts at the time), but to be fair it was the '70s, a time when a man could raise his leg above the knee and spin around and everyone would give him the benefit of the doubt. Plus, he totally kicked Bruce Lee's ass at being white. While that may not be much of a feat, being better than Bruce Lee at literally anything nets you some tough-guy points. Most Epic Moment Caught on Film:In this clip, the famous intro to the Kung Fu series, Carradine lays down several scenes that have since become kung fu movie classics. From the now omnipresent training montage to lifting a burning iron kettle with your wrists, Kung Fu was the first place we saw these things and he was the first guy that made us want to incompetently emulate them, thus endangering ourselves and others. The Sad Decline:
It certainly did nothing to help David's rep as a master of pain distribution when he appeared in this infomercial for his series of exercise tapes called Spiral Fitness. This was meant to capitalize on the 'Crazy Device + B-List Celebrity' fitness craze back in the '90s, like the Thighmaster or the Total Gym. Unfortunately, David was a bit too short on funds to manufacture a decent crazy device, so he used what appears to be either a short length of garden hose or a large rubber dildo instead. Watch about one minute in when, after witnessing Carradine flail about in a backyard for far too long, the camera angles switch and accidentally catch somebody's dog in the scene. The dog, following its keen canine instinct to avoid shame, promptly runs off camera, leaving David alone again to tell you all about how this bright green dildo really makes him want to move. |
As it turns out, the ability to look cool greased up in your underwear and screaming declines rapidly with age. At around 55 these conditions reach their peak, and instead of striking fear into your opponents with your powerful yells and intricate body movements, you're more likely to prompt helpful citizens to hit the button on your Medic-Alert bracelet for you. This sad fact, combined with Carradine's natural flower child tendencies, took all the badass right out of his sails and left him hopelessly adrift in Weird Old Hippie Guy waters. 
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Chuck lost all respect when he wrote on his regular ultra right wing christian blog when asked What would he do if he was president he replied "I would tattoo the American flag and IN GOD WE TRUST on the forehead of every atheist.
What a tool.
Probably the lowest point any of these guys reached was when Seagal started to think he actually was one of his movies characters and started claiming he was an ex-CIA Black-Ops agent but he couldn't tell you about it and there were no records because it was so secret.
Mr Seagal's character has a poor understanding of how one performs an investigation. I am no expert, but after watching hundreds of hours of Law and Order, Forensic Files, The Investigators, I am pretty sure he just ruined any legal case the department may have had, as well as blowing its budget for the next several years on personal injury lawsuits and civil rights violations.
awesome :D
Why they didnt just shoot the Seagal in Out for Justice? Oh yeah, cause they had a guy named Sticks to take care of business.
Chuck Norris' REAL most pathetic moment? When he tried to take Ian Spector to court over the first Chuck Norris facts book. He actually believed that a bunch of silly jokes would be damaging to his career. That is like saying that a light drizzle would be damaging to my Buick. Light drizzle doesn't damage anything, and I junked my Buick years ago.
IM SORRY BUT THE ONLY GUY HERE WHO IS TRUELY HARDCORE IS STEVEN SEAGAL! BECAUSE I RECKON STILL TO THIS DAY IF YOU STEP ON HIS TOE WHILE WAITING IN THE POPCORN LINE AT THE CINEMA, HE'LL BEAT YOU DOWN LIKE A RED HEADED STEP CHILD!!!
Growing up, Bruce and Carradine became symbols for me. I admired Bruce because of how hard he worked to become the man people will remember him as. Carradine on the other hand made me realized that despite the fact that you're unqualified, you can get anything you want on a silver platter for bullshit reasons.
PS-Chuck Norris jokes are not funny anymore.
Poor David Carradine Died From Asphyhxiation While Chokin'His Chicken In a Bangkok Hotel Room!!!
Bsically,Auto Erotic Asphyxiation Is Usually Practiced By Teen Aged Boys,
Not 60 Something Washed Up Action Stars!!!
Chuck Norris Wouldn't Die From Auto Erotic Asphyixiantion!!
No,When Chuck Norris Chokes His Chicken,He Chokes A Real Chicken!!!
"Damn You Stink Man!!".
Out of context, that Steven Seagal clip kind of makes him seem like an a*****e.
The rank of 8th degree black belt doesn't just sound badass. You have to be badass to possess the title. I know one, an eighty-something (he, for some weird reason, claimed to be eighty-five for three years straight, then said he was eighty-two. He's kind of weird) year old man who lives in Michigan. He was the instructor of my Tae Kwon Do instructor. It was a moderately famous news story in the area when a burglar broke into his house and attacked him with a knife when he told him to leave. The man broke his wrist and threw him out the window, then called the police, only sustaining a single cut to the thigh. He was in his late seventies at the time (or so he said at that point in time). Strange personality, but he's a complete badass.
Kwai Chang Caine was supposed to be the first white man allowed into the monastery.
According to an interview I watched during my recent David Carradine marathon, the stuff about him being cast in Kung Fu due to racism is mostly rumour. He did concede that he got most of his inspiration from Spock, however.
R.I.P. David Carradine.
The lyrics of the song Van Damme dances is something like "Motorcycle dance, motorcycle dance! Big butted females loose control!"
Sometimes, just sometimes, I'm ashamed of my country's culture...
Not more ashamed than Belgians must be.
To be fair to Chuck Norris, in that clip he doesn't drive the bear off by the power of his retirement-age muscles but instead by the power of his over-inflated ego. Even Chuck knows a human being outwrestling a grizzly bear would be farking ridiculous.
I once jumped in front of David Caradine at a convention, gave him a karate pose & yelled, "HAIIII!" & he just walked by me. p***y. True story.
Oh what-the-f**k-ever. Chuck Norris pwned that f*****g bear.
Shame on you, Cracked. Shame on you for doubting Norris. I emailed him a link to this. Watch your asses.
Van Damme is back now with JCVD.
@TheEnemyBelow
What you didn't read that part in the bible? I certainly did?
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Hey Gayinator, you reminded me of a man I met a couple of years ago named Ji Han Jae. He is a 10th Dan black belt and the founder of Hapkido. Which if you are unfamiliar with Hapkido, is the art of putting someone in a ridiculous amount of pain without actually killing them. He was 73 I believe at the time and I'm pretty sure he could make a man cry by looking at him. He also trained Bruce Lee. Seriously.