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5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity
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#4.
David Carradine
David Carradine is Elvis of kung fu, having the honorable distinction of helping to pioneer western martial arts movies only by virtue of blatant racism. He is most famous for playing the lead in the 1970s kung fu serial, creatively titled Kung Fu, winning the part from Bruce Lee, even though Lee helped create the show for the sole purpose of acting in it. Apparently no one told Bruce that at that time Chinese people were considered "too Chinese" to play Chinese people. Carradine is slightly less famous for playing the titular Bill in Quentin Tarantino's gold-plated B-movie and pop culture circle jerk, Kill Bill. He is not famous at all for the remake of Kung Fu, titled even more creatively, Kung Fu: The Legend Continues. David Carradine was not only on the forefront of the burgeoning martial arts genre, but his role actually created the concept of the karate cowboy; a character which can be seen later in such examples as Chuck Norris' Walker, Texas Ranger or the Patrick Swayze action vehicle (which we would totally drive), Roadhouse. Some die-hard fans consider Carradine a disgrace because of his lack of expertise while starring in Kung Fu (he didn't actually know any martial arts at the time), but to be fair it was the '70s, a time when a man could raise his leg above the knee and spin around and everyone would give him the benefit of the doubt. Plus, he totally kicked Bruce Lee's ass at being white. While that may not be much of a feat, being better than Bruce Lee at literally anything nets you some tough-guy points. Most Epic Moment Caught on Film:In this clip, the famous intro to the Kung Fu series, Carradine lays down several scenes that have since become kung fu movie classics. From the now omnipresent training montage to lifting a burning iron kettle with your wrists, Kung Fu was the first place we saw these things and he was the first guy that made us want to incompetently emulate them, thus endangering ourselves and others. The Sad Decline:
It certainly did nothing to help David's rep as a master of pain distribution when he appeared in this infomercial for his series of exercise tapes called Spiral Fitness. This was meant to capitalize on the 'Crazy Device + B-List Celebrity' fitness craze back in the '90s, like the Thighmaster or the Total Gym. Unfortunately, David was a bit too short on funds to manufacture a decent crazy device, so he used what appears to be either a short length of garden hose or a large rubber dildo instead. Watch about one minute in when, after witnessing Carradine flail about in a backyard for far too long, the camera angles switch and accidentally catch somebody's dog in the scene. The dog, following its keen canine instinct to avoid shame, promptly runs off camera, leaving David alone again to tell you all about how this bright green dildo really makes him want to move. |
As it turns out, the ability to look cool greased up in your underwear and screaming declines rapidly with age. At around 55 these conditions reach their peak, and instead of striking fear into your opponents with your powerful yells and intricate body movements, you're more likely to prompt helpful citizens to hit the button on your Medic-Alert bracelet for you. This sad fact, combined with Carradine's natural flower child tendencies, took all the badass right out of his sails and left him hopelessly adrift in Weird Old Hippie Guy waters. 
Van Damn looked like the priest from The Little Mermaid.
The scene where the judges point out and giggle at Van Damme's chubby totally made me cringe.
That song Van Damme was dancing to with the blonde will be forever burned in my brain.
Oh don't forget Steven Seagal's Energy Drink! Lightning Bolt! Yeah, I wish I was making it up too.
http://www.lightningdrink.com/
great great great!
www.tokillfor.com
What I liked about Kung Fu as a kid, was that Cain was this Humble quiet dude just passin thru and was always acousted by Western douchebags, and He would lightem up and make it look easy, little movement, lots of whoop ass! I never noticed he was white either...
I STILL like Chuck Norris, Hes paid his dues, but always wondered, did He ever bang Christie Brinkley, I have to know..
At :37 of the American warrior trailer dude is choking a bad guy with Carradine's green dildo. And at 1:27 is black rambo.
i wonder, whose hot dog was that?
Belgium--the actual name of the country, NOT Brussels, which is its capital--is actually a really cool place. Most folks are pretty relaxed and decent people, and the fries/beer/chocolate/waffles are INCREDIBLE. The government isn't too powerful, and health insurance and schooling are tons easier to afford than in America. I say this as an American, so don't think I'm ragging on America. It's just the truth. Poor man's France, my ass. Taste their Kasteel and fries and you will CRY with shame, Robert Brockway.
Nothing...NOTHING...was better than watching Bruce beat the Chuck out of Mr. Norris (aka Sasquatch)in Return of the Dragon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLO1YIWQuXE
I usually just pretend the first minute never happened.
AHahahahahahahahahahaha, poor Van Damme, that's the lamest Brazilian Sunday show ever (and believe me, Sunday shows in Brazil suck). The person thar appears to be "Gene Simmons in drag" is a locally famous singer/dancer turned porn actress called Gretchen.
How is it that no one has yet pointed out that Jefferson Parish, Louisiana, is not a town? It is a Parish. Louisiana has them instead of counties.
"
rodrigorenzoAnd Royce Gracie is the best Jiu-Jitsu fighter, ever.
Posted on 9/3/2008 6:14:26 AM"
Rickson is better than Royce. Royce was promoted more than Rickson as because he was smaller so a better example of how BJJ allows the fighter to take on mismatched opponents. Rickson was undefeated in MMA, Royce lost a bunch of matches.
He was only my lover for about three months, and we had a bitter parting. No, I just thought I'd get the facts straight. He means frenchman as an insult. Like I called you an ass, even though you are clearly not a donkey or a rear end.
does Matthew Perry write for this website?
I'm reading these to myself in his voice and it seems to fit...
Sorry but now everyone who reads this will proceed to read the rest of the articles on this website in Matthew Perry's voice... Glad i could share the joy...
Someone should send a "Stop while you are ahead" memo immediately to all badasses. It should be all@badestbadasses.org. I would but im more of the "you should have stopped when you were ahead" memo sender...largely due to being a big p***y-baby.
@Dr.Spok.
Hahaha, is he your lover? =)
His article states fallacies, calling someone "a frenchmen" when they're not frech = fail. Tough it up buttercup.
that David Carradine infomercial is the funniest thing i've seen in a long time.
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shrimpngrits
In the Van Damme video I like how no hit or kick makes any contact, yet makes a sound.
It's very zenlike.