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5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity

By Robert Brockway January 22, 2008 1,777,527 views
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#4.
David Carradine

David Carradine is Elvis of kung fu, having the honorable distinction of helping to pioneer western martial arts movies only by virtue of blatant racism. He is most famous for playing the lead in the 1970s kung fu serial, creatively titled Kung Fu, winning the part from Bruce Lee, even though Lee helped create the show for the sole purpose of acting in it. Apparently no one told Bruce that at that time Chinese people were considered "too Chinese" to play Chinese people.

Carradine is slightly less famous for playing the titular Bill in Quentin Tarantino's gold-plated B-movie and pop culture circle jerk, Kill Bill. He is not famous at all for the remake of Kung Fu, titled even more creatively, Kung Fu: The Legend Continues.

David Carradine was not only on the forefront of the burgeoning martial arts genre, but his role actually created the concept of the karate cowboy; a character which can be seen later in such examples as Chuck Norris' Walker, Texas Ranger or the Patrick Swayze action vehicle (which we would totally drive), Roadhouse. Some die-hard fans consider Carradine a disgrace because of his lack of expertise while starring in Kung Fu (he didn't actually know any martial arts at the time), but to be fair it was the '70s, a time when a man could raise his leg above the knee and spin around and everyone would give him the benefit of the doubt.

Plus, he totally kicked Bruce Lee's ass at being white. While that may not be much of a feat, being better than Bruce Lee at literally anything nets you some tough-guy points.

Most Epic Moment Caught on Film:

In this clip, the famous intro to the Kung Fu series, Carradine lays down several scenes that have since become kung fu movie classics. From the now omnipresent training montage to lifting a burning iron kettle with your wrists, Kung Fu was the first place we saw these things and he was the first guy that made us want to incompetently emulate them, thus endangering ourselves and others.

The Sad Decline:

As it turns out, the ability to look cool greased up in your underwear and screaming declines rapidly with age. At around 55 these conditions reach their peak, and instead of striking fear into your opponents with your powerful yells and intricate body movements, you're more likely to prompt helpful citizens to hit the button on your Medic-Alert bracelet for you. This sad fact, combined with Carradine's natural flower child tendencies, took all the badass right out of his sails and left him hopelessly adrift in Weird Old Hippie Guy waters.

Most Pathetic Moment Caught on Film:

It certainly did nothing to help David's rep as a master of pain distribution when he appeared in this infomercial for his series of exercise tapes called Spiral Fitness. This was meant to capitalize on the 'Crazy Device + B-List Celebrity' fitness craze back in the '90s, like the Thighmaster or the Total Gym. Unfortunately, David was a bit too short on funds to manufacture a decent crazy device, so he used what appears to be either a short length of garden hose or a large rubber dildo instead.

Watch about one minute in when, after witnessing Carradine flail about in a backyard for far too long, the camera angles switch and accidentally catch somebody's dog in the scene. The dog, following its keen canine instinct to avoid shame, promptly runs off camera, leaving David alone again to tell you all about how this bright green dildo really makes him want to move.

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202 Comments

Poor David Carradine Died From Asphyhxiation While Chokin'His Chicken In a Bangkok Hotel Room!!!
Bsically,Auto Erotic Asphyxiation Is Usually Practiced By Teen Aged Boys,
Not 60 Something Washed Up Action Stars!!!
Chuck Norris Wouldn't Die From Auto Erotic Asphyixiantion!!
No,When Chuck Norris Chokes His Chicken,He Chokes A Real Chicken!!!
"Damn You Stink Man!!".

6/27/2009 7:38:32 AM
TheEnemyBelow

Out of context, that Steven Seagal clip kind of makes him seem like an a*****e.

6/23/2009 10:47:29 AM
niko4ever

The rank of 8th degree black belt doesn't just sound badass. You have to be badass to possess the title. I know one, an eighty-something (he, for some weird reason, claimed to be eighty-five for three years straight, then said he was eighty-two. He's kind of weird) year old man who lives in Michigan. He was the instructor of my Tae Kwon Do instructor. It was a moderately famous news story in the area when a burglar broke into his house and attacked him with a knife when he told him to leave. The man broke his wrist and threw him out the window, then called the police, only sustaining a single cut to the thigh. He was in his late seventies at the time (or so he said at that point in time). Strange personality, but he's a complete badass.

6/17/2009 5:44:10 AM
TheGayinator

Kwai Chang Caine was supposed to be the first white man allowed into the monastery.
According to an interview I watched during my recent David Carradine marathon, the stuff about him being cast in Kung Fu due to racism is mostly rumour. He did concede that he got most of his inspiration from Spock, however.

6/15/2009 12:11:49 PM
KxWaal

R.I.P. David Carradine.

6/4/2009 11:56:51 AM
crackcorn

The lyrics of the song Van Damme dances is something like "Motorcycle dance, motorcycle dance! Big butted females loose control!"
Sometimes, just sometimes, I'm ashamed of my country's culture...
Not more ashamed than Belgians must be.

4/14/2009 10:29:57 AM
Ana

To be fair to Chuck Norris, in that clip he doesn't drive the bear off by the power of his retirement-age muscles but instead by the power of his over-inflated ego. Even Chuck knows a human being outwrestling a grizzly bear would be farking ridiculous.

3/30/2009 12:37:15 AM
Atavist

I once jumped in front of David Caradine at a convention, gave him a karate pose & yelled, "HAIIII!" & he just walked by me. p***y. True story.

3/22/2009 11:10:46 PM
Vozpit

Oh what-the-f**k-ever. Chuck Norris pwned that f*****g bear.

Shame on you, Cracked. Shame on you for doubting Norris. I emailed him a link to this. Watch your asses.

3/22/2009 4:34:11 PM
pedoluv

Van Damme is back now with JCVD.

3/8/2009 8:47:23 AM
Henrik

@TheEnemyBelow

What you didn't read that part in the bible? I certainly did?

3/5/2009 1:37:08 PM
docbutters

Poor Chuck!!Ya Know,He Kicked Ass and Took Names In The 80's and Early 90's With Movies Like"Invasion USA"and His Hit TV Show"Walker Texas Ranger"!!
Now He's Shilling In Infomercials For The Bowflex Home Gym,Which Like 99%of Most Home Exercise Equipment Ends Up in a Corner Gathering Dust or Gets Sold For$20.00 at Your Annual Yard Sale or Gets Donated To Either Goodwill or Your Church Thrift Store!!
That's When He's Not Appearing On TBN/PTL/PTM/PTP**(**Pay the Money/Pay the Preachers)Networks Talking About Why We Need Prayer Back In School!!
This From a Man Who Made His Name KIcking The Crap Out Of Folks On TV and In The Movies!!
Yes,Jesus Could Go Chuck Norris on Occassion-ie:Chasing The Moneychangers Out of The Temple For Example!!
But I Never Read Anywhere in The Scriptures How Christ Went Around Roundhouse Kicking Everybody!!

1/26/2009 4:08:30 PM
TheEnemyBelow

At 1:07 in the second Van Damme video you can see the woman look down like "What the f**k is that?"

1/11/2009 10:09:55 AM
cjneill

your fans all over the world will miss you. Rest in peace! I just find you on the celeb and millionaire dating site****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** and he have a chat with you there. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

11/30/2008 6:29:09 AM
oscarfeng

Having actually met David Carradine, he is #1 for assholery. He is a grade A, victim of his own ego f*****t.

11/13/2008 4:38:47 PM
tinkerjenn

Russell Brand's crude remarks to Fawlty Towers Star on BBC Radio

http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ed1b4baf7494d10ab9c9

Who's Nailin Paylin? porn... Find out on

www.TOKILLFOR.com

10/30/2008 5:38:19 PM
dalekiloveyou

Also vandamme was even more pathetic here in belgium where you could find videos of him talking about his philosophy in life (basically it's coke-headed bullshit about god, whales and the ocean) he's pretty famous for this here, for being a total moron and being incredibly stupid.

10/29/2008 4:33:40 PM
Pedro42

about the vandamme part, HOW THE HELL do you even compare BELGIUM (brussels is the capital city you f*cking ignorant piece of s**t) to those gay french, F*CK YOU !

10/29/2008 4:27:39 PM
Pedro42

"a f**k you mullet" beautiful.

i for one would LOVE to see a part 2 article, although nothing compares to segal, there are surely another 5 action heros that should be on this list...

10/15/2008 4:57:34 PM
aeyrhed

In the Van Damme video I like how no hit or kick makes any contact, yet makes a sound.

It's very zenlike.

10/3/2008 10:54:52 AM
shrimpngrits

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