The 9 Most Unnecessary Greatest Hits Albums of All Time

As sketchy as our memory tends to be, we would still probably recall if there was a time when fucking John Tesh was tearing up the pop charts, kicking the likes of Prince and Madonna to and fro with his killer synthesizer riffs and complex wind chime arrangements.

But, forgetting that for a moment, consider this: the future of the free world may hinge on whether he continues cranking out the "hits." There was a conspiracy theory tossed around for awhile that John Tesh was actually an alien sent here to soften up Earth for an eventual alien invasion by sending subliminal messages through his stint hosting Entertainment Tonight and his new age music. But don't take our word for it, let the folks at N.A.T.A.S. (the National Anti Tesh Action Society) tell you more...

If John Tesh is not stopped, we're fucked. Xenu help us all.

Best Moment:
The scarily titled "One World." With its march of war percussion and tension filled strings, if this isn't the theme song to an alien invasion, we don't know what is. Listen to it, learn it, and when it suddenly begins blaring through your iPod some overcast morning, run.

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"ONE WORLD--Do I spot allusions to X-FILES?"

Putting an actual musician with a huge hit and stone hip hop classic to his credit ("Bust A Move") ahead of the likes of Hudson Hawk and the future enslaver of the free world on a list of the most ridiculous greatest hits albums of all time may seem like a curious choice, but hear us out.

More than any other album on this list, this is as far from a greatest hits or best of collection as it gets. In fact, "The Best of Young MC" is really just his first album with a different title, a different album cover and three fewer songs. Three... fewer... songs. Sure, he recorded more albums, a bunch of them in fact. But none of those songs made it onto "The Best of Young MC." What this implies is that Young MC's career ran out of creative steam 10 songs into the recording of his first album, but someone decided a best-of collection was still a good idea anyway.

Best Moment:
At this point, we don't have the heart to make fun of Young MC anymore. The best moment is "Bust A Move." We love it, you love it, everyone loves it. In fact, several Cracked staffers cite it as the greatest song ever written. We're listening to it right now, even. Several of us are dancing. It's fucking great. Good job, Young MC.

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"In the song "Bust A move" Young MC makes a song that might be one of the greatest Hip-Hop songz of all time. He was also one of the first Black Man to ever be on the top of the charts, also Tone Loc. "my Name is young" is another one of Youngs greatest songs where he talks about who he is, and why his rap name is Young MC and that is cause his last name is Young and he also says that when he started he was Young (10 yrs Old) so they called him Young MC."

Forget the music; this is about personal responsibility and love of the game. And we aren't talking about the rap game. Anyone who has ever seen Shaquille O'Neal on the court knows that every single minute he's not spending in the paint elbowing people in the chest while NBA referees pretend they aren't watching, should be spent in a gym trying to improve his sub-Special Olympics level free throw percentage.

That he could justify dedicating his off seasons to kick starting his "rap career" should bar him from any future hall of fame consideration. Similarly, that someone could justify rounding up the least horrifying songs shat out of that rap career and release them as "The Best of Shaquille O'Neal" should bar that person from ever enjoying another day that doesn't begin with a swift punch to the gut.

It's not that Shaq didn't have a lot of hits; it's that he didn't have any hits. None. Have you seen Kazaam? It's better than every damn song on this album. Despite this lack of success, Shaquille O'Neal was the basketball rap pioneer who paved the way for every baller with a shoe contract and a dream to release an album in the mid to late 90's, eventually leading to the doomsday scenario of "K.O.B.E.," a lyrically retarded single by Kobe Bryant featuring Tyra Banks. Thanks, asshole.

Best Moment:
"Biological Didn't Bother (G-Funk version)," a love song dedicated to the dude who married Shaq's mom set to the type of mid-90's west coast hip hop groove normally reserved for far less gay topics. Inexplicably, it's on the album twice.

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"Usually people are only lucky enough to be given one truly great talent. Shaq was blessed with two. In fact, he's even better at music than basketball. The songs on The Best Of Shaq move me - some to the point of tears. This Best Of will hold a special place on my cd shelf - right next to The Best Of David Hasselhoff. My only wish now is that Shaq's next album will be one where he just does love songs. It could be called "Love Shaq."

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