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The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

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#3.
Quote from: 1 Kings 18:24,38-40

That is how they used to do religious debates back in the day.

The situation was that people of Israel had taken to Baal worship, a faith that added a lot of whores to its rituals and thus gained immediate popularity. Elijah (not the one with the bears, that was Elisha) decided that the people had to choose between Baal and God.

Rather than write a series of books or give a bunch of boring speeches, Elijah invited 450 Baal prophets to a contest, where both sides would set up an animal sacrifice. Whichever God could rain down fire on its sacrifice would be the one everybody worshiped.

It's brilliant in its simplicity, and we're surprised religious debates were ever carried out any other way after that. You can raise all the intellectual challenges you want about faith and the origins of the universe, but at the end of the day, you have to worship the god who can set you on fire. It's common sense.

We like to think Elijah stood in front of the howling column of heavenly fire, straightened his robes, turned to the crowd and said, "Thus, my opponent's argument falls." Then, he finished the debate in the way that all debates should be finished: by having the losers slaughtered.

#2.
Judges 15:15-16

Samson could have dominated this list if we had let him. He was a sort of biblical superhero, who could basically call down the powers of the Lord to turn himself into a hurricane of ass kicking.

His whole story involves a feud with the Philistines, people who lived in part of what is now Israel and embraced the long tradition of going to war with the Jews. Or, specifically, the Philistines went to war against just Samson. And, they pretty much lost.

On this particular day, the Philistines had burned Samson's wife to death, and sent some men to capture him. Specifically, they sent 3,000 men. So, at that point, Samson either had the reputation as a world-class badass, or the Philistine army was the equivalent of those shitty battle droids from the Star Wars prequels that could only kill an enemy soldier by crushing him under a pile of their own corpses.

Either way, they didn't send enough. Samson tore apart the skull of a nearby dead donkey and grabbed one of these:

... Then killed a thousand men with it. A thousand.

What should be emphasized in this story was the bravery of the Philistine soldiers, specifically the ones in the back who kept charging even after seeing 700 or so of their comrades go down with shattered skulls. We're talking about guys who probably climbed over a pile of bodies 15-feet high to get to him.

If this story seems improbable, you can always claim mistranslation (for instance, in some versions of the story it's 20 Philistines instead of a thousand). We like to think they merely made the mistake of confusing a donkey's jawbone with that of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Or, perhaps "donkey's jawbone" was mistranslated from the original Hebrew word for "minigun."

Runners up for this spot on the list included Josheb-Basshebeth, who according to 2 Samuel 23:8, "... raised his spear against eight hundred men, whom he killed in one encounter." Obviously he lost points for killing fewer men and for using an actual weapon to do it, which almost seems like cheating at this point.

There was also Anath in Judges 3:31, who "struck down six hundred philistines with an oxgoad." An oxgoad is a sharp stick you used to poke oxen. That started the Israeli tradition of killing large numbers of their enemies with farmyard tools, which continued through Samson and onto modern times, where the Six Day War of 1967 was won by a crippled Israeli peasant wielding a watering can.

Either way, the Philistines almost certainly remembered Samson as the worst thing that ever happened to them.

#1.
1 Samuel 18:25-27

... until David came along.

This passage raises several thousand questions. Just off the top of our head:

What did Saul (the king at the time) want with 100 foreskins? Was he going to make a scarf?

Did David think this was a strange request?

If this was secretly a plan to have David killed, why didn't he require he bring back, say, 100 bear foreskins?

Did David just wander into Philistia and kill the first 200 men he saw? Did they think this was odd? Or, with all the other shit that went down back then, did they just shrug it off?

How do you forcefully circumcise 200 men without violating the "Don't grab the junk" commandment from earlier?

Whose job was it to count the foreskins after David came back? Do they make a pair of tongs long enough for that task?

We're guessing we'll never know. It doesn't matter, because at its heart, this story is about love. For the hand of Micah, David went further than any man would have gone. Way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way further.

Ladies, when a man finally proposes to you, ask him one simple question: "How many dongs would you mutilate for me?" If you demand a hundred and he doesn't blink, he's a keeper. But, if he's David, who was sent after a hundred and then came back with twice that many just for the hell of it, well, you've got a love for the ages.

If you like this article, check out David Wong's What is the Monkeysphere?





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739 Comments

David was indeed kick-ass. It's just too bad he worked so hard for Micah and didn't stay with her. Anyone remember a wee little scene with a certain Bathsheba (sp.) bathing on the roof and David deciding he had to have her? Which is too bad.

But still, very good article.

Posted on 8/28/2008 10:16:56 AM

Hats off to the writers on such a hilarious article and it's written very well. Great material. I'm laughing hysterically in my little office at work and I know people must think I'm nuts, but hey, it feels great! I came from a crazy fundamentalist christian background and I have to say, this stuff is great!!! Please, give us more!!!

Posted on 8/27/2008 9:50:11 AM

Dude, you guys totally forgot to mention Ehud was left-handed. He's like the ONLY left-handed man named in the Bible and he kicks ass! That's also how he got away with the sword. People expected weapons to be strapped to the OTHER leg, because left-handers were so rare.

Posted on 8/23/2008 10:25:11 PM

Ehud was able to hide that big sword on his leg because he was lame, and apparently he had a splint or something on it. No kidding.

Posted on 8/20/2008 8:27:50 PM

This article could as easily be titled "9 Reasons to convert to Judaism (or Christianity)"

Posted on 8/19/2008 10:34:16 PM

You guys rock! Great Article! I will be watching for others written by David Wong and Owen Ball. Moses as Sam Fisher! Too funny! Great Writing!

Posted on 8/14/2008 8:59:47 PM

It's worth noting that the law of the Old Testament applies to the modern day as well, when it suits people to say it does.

Posted on 8/14/2008 12:26:16 AM

It is important to note that the Law of the Old Testament is only fully applicable to the Israelites of the day.

Posted on 8/13/2008 10:42:15 AM

Soup-on-a-stick, have you ever been grounded by your parents? Same general sort of thing. God loves you, but he isn't shy about setting and enforcing rules.

Posted on 8/13/2008 10:35:14 AM

The change in God's temperament and MO from the Old Testament tot he New Testament has always mystified me. All throughout the OT God is personally kicking ass or having one of His prophets do it for Him. Then quite suddenly, in the NT, here comes Jesus talking about how God is a God of love, a forgiving and loving Father. No wonder the Pharisees and Sadducees listened to him and thought he was wacked. Yet God did not smite Jesus, nor did He he smite the Romans or the Pharisees or Sadducees when they had Jesus crucified. In fact He was just sort of non-committal on the whole affair except for a thunderstorm and opening up a bunch of graves.

Posted on 8/13/2008 8:00:14 AM

Maokun, that's Elijah who slaughtered the fuck out of the Baal prophets, with fires from the sky and everything.

ELIJAH, not ELISHA.
Obi-Wan, not Luke.

And I'm a big boobed woman, once, in my Freudian dream.

Posted on 8/12/2008 1:26:16 AM

Ha! I cant believe you guys didnt milk Elisha's case more! He was a total badass if there ever was one! Like when, after a whole day of begging, demanding, crying and cutting themselves, the Baal priests got no response and the only sympathy they got from Elisha were snarky remarks as "Shout louder, for maybe your god is sleeping". Or maybe that when it was his turn, he demanded the sacrifice to be drenched in water and a pit dug around the altar to contain the water just for added challenge. Or the fact that when God's fire fell on Elisha's request, not only the sacrifice was consumed but the very stone altar was reduced to dust despite being half underwater. Finally, after he slaughtered the Baal prophets (450 of them, and he personally did it) he summoned rain after years of drought and then outrunned the king's horse carriage for miles, which is mentioned almost as an afterthought.

Posted on 7/25/2008 6:39:29 AM

Oh my LORD I totaly believe in the bible now. It also makes religion in general less disturbing to me. . . . . . .. yeah Im calling on god right now to burn me alive right now for the billianth time. Never trust in some old dusty document thats basically an altered book of history. People just used this to control other people. Power for people to decieve and control is, and will forever be god. In my opinion. . . so dont yell at me just because I had one please.

Posted on 7/20/2008 11:24:35 AM

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Posted on 7/14/2008 6:49:10 AM

a donkey's jawbone, man. the coolest part of that is that Samson could have, within seconds of the battle beginning, crushed a Philistine's skull in his hands and then take the poor bastard's sword. but he didn't. he kept using the jawbone for fun. he was up against 1000 men and decided he needed a challenge. that is *immeasurably* badass.

Posted on 7/9/2008 10:35:20 AM

the technical unofficial term is "power shorts" and it's not for protection from evil. it's to remember that i'm not like you :P

Posted on 7/4/2008 6:45:39 AM

Mormons are stupid people, go put on your special undies for protection from evil you gotta be kidding me.... why not follow growing in grace with the stupid mexicans.. jose meranda should be hung! and his followers shot dead in the street if there sooo damn stupid to follow him.. i hate you people with a passion

Posted on 7/3/2008 11:11:31 AM

You guys forget the best thing about that Samson quote. After he killed a thousand men with a donkey's jaw, he SANG A LITTLE SONG ABOUT IT. Brutal.

Posted on 7/1/2008 5:37:19 PM

I am a Catholic and I ROFL LMAO. Seriously- you guys are the fucking best!!!!!!!!!

Posted on 7/1/2008 9:51:27 AM

Hey I'm Mormon, and I LOVE this article!! LoL Or maybe it's cuz I'm a convert?? But anyway, maybe not exactly in those terms, but all that did happen in the bible.
This site rocks :0)

Posted on 7/1/2008 8:19:00 AM

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