The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses
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#3.
Quote from: 1 Kings 18:24,38-40
That is how they used to do religious debates back in the day. The situation was that people of Israel had taken to Baal worship, a faith that added a lot of whores to its rituals and thus gained immediate popularity. Elijah (not the one with the bears, that was Elisha) decided that the people had to choose between Baal and God.
It's brilliant in its simplicity, and we're surprised religious debates were ever carried out any other way after that. You can raise all the intellectual challenges you want about faith and the origins of the universe, but at the end of the day, you have to worship the god who can set you on fire. It's common sense. We like to think Elijah stood in front of the howling column of heavenly fire, straightened his robes, turned to the crowd and said, "Thus, my opponent's argument falls." Then, he finished the debate in the way that all debates should be finished: by having the losers slaughtered. #2.
Judges 15:15-16
Samson could have dominated this list if we had let him. He was a sort of biblical superhero, who could basically call down the powers of the Lord to turn himself into a hurricane of ass kicking. His whole story involves a feud with the Philistines, people who lived in part of what is now Israel and embraced the long tradition of going to war with the Jews. Or, specifically, the Philistines went to war against just Samson. And, they pretty much lost. On this particular day, the Philistines had burned Samson's wife to death, and sent some men to capture him. Specifically, they sent 3,000 men. So, at that point, Samson either had the reputation as a world-class badass, or the Philistine army was the equivalent of those shitty battle droids from the Star Wars prequels that could only kill an enemy soldier by crushing him under a pile of their own corpses. Either way, they didn't send enough. Samson tore apart the skull of a nearby dead donkey and grabbed one of these:
... Then killed a thousand men with it. A thousand. What should be emphasized in this story was the bravery of the Philistine soldiers, specifically the ones in the back who kept charging even after seeing 700 or so of their comrades go down with shattered skulls. We're talking about guys who probably climbed over a pile of bodies 15-feet high to get to him. If this story seems improbable, you can always claim mistranslation (for instance, in some versions of the story it's 20 Philistines instead of a thousand). We like to think they merely made the mistake of confusing a donkey's jawbone with that of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Or, perhaps "donkey's jawbone" was mistranslated from the original Hebrew word for "minigun."
Runners up for this spot on the list included Josheb-Basshebeth, who according to 2 Samuel 23:8, "... raised his spear against eight hundred men, whom he killed in one encounter." Obviously he lost points for killing fewer men and for using an actual weapon to do it, which almost seems like cheating at this point. There was also Anath in Judges 3:31, who "struck down six hundred philistines with an oxgoad." An oxgoad is a sharp stick you used to poke oxen. That started the Israeli tradition of killing large numbers of their enemies with farmyard tools, which continued through Samson and onto modern times, where the Six Day War of 1967 was won by a crippled Israeli peasant wielding a watering can. Either way, the Philistines almost certainly remembered Samson as the worst thing that ever happened to them. #1.
1 Samuel 18:25-27
... until David came along.
This passage raises several thousand questions. Just off the top of our head: What did Saul (the king at the time) want with 100 foreskins? Was he going to make a scarf? Did David think this was a strange request? If this was secretly a plan to have David killed, why didn't he require he bring back, say, 100 bear foreskins? Did David just wander into Philistia and kill the first 200 men he saw? Did they think this was odd? Or, with all the other shit that went down back then, did they just shrug it off? How do you forcefully circumcise 200 men without violating the "Don't grab the junk" commandment from earlier? Whose job was it to count the foreskins after David came back? Do they make a pair of tongs long enough for that task?
We're guessing we'll never know. It doesn't matter, because at its heart, this story is about love. For the hand of Micah, David went further than any man would have gone. Way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way further. Ladies, when a man finally proposes to you, ask him one simple question: "How many dongs would you mutilate for me?" If you demand a hundred and he doesn't blink, he's a keeper. But, if he's David, who was sent after a hundred and then came back with twice that many just for the hell of it, well, you've got a love for the ages. If you like this article, check out David Wong's What is the Monkeysphere? |
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Rather than write a series of books or give a bunch of boring speeches, Elijah invited 450 Baal prophets to a contest, where both sides would set up an animal sacrifice. Whichever God could rain down fire on its sacrifice would be the one everybody worshiped.
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You know, I gotta wonder how many more converts (or at least admirers) we'd get when people realize how utterly badass many of our saints and heroes are, rather than acting like they're something to be ashamed of. Turn the other check first, but then you turn the right hook.
That nice Jewish carpenter boy? Yeah, he pretty much tore hell a new one, and at Armageddon he looks a lot more like a blood stained avenger than emaciated skinny guy. Lawful Good does not mean niceness to evil.
You don't need to describe the Bible and our almighty father, and Lord and Savior Jesus Christ with such obscene and completely inappropriate disrespectful language. We will pray for you. Maybe you should look deep into your hearts and allow God in, because you have not accepted him into your life as shows your lack of respect for his word for he gave his only son to die on the cross for the sins that you just used to discribe the Bible.
Well, this actually shows that sometimes a person who believes in God also has to do badass things.
you left out Moses and the priests getting baked in "pillars" of smoke, so much so, that they saw a being that they thought was God:
1. As Moses went into the tent, the pillar of cloud would come down and stay at the entrance, while the LORD spoke with Moses.... the LORD would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks with his friend.
2. When the priests withdrew from the Holy Place, the cloud filled the temple of the LORD. And the priests could not perform their service because of the cloud, for the glory of the LORD filled his temple.
Anyone here know Nebuchadnezzar's tower? If you get into the dimensions, you find out that it's actually a giant wang.
you know I have been an Atheist for a long time but from now on I can't help but go with the religion that has banned the grabbing of another junk!
I am officially converted.
To bad that Ezekiel 25:17 was made up for Pulp Fiction. It's not the real Ezekiel 25:17.
I was simply shocked to not find Ezekiel 25:17 here
"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."
-God
I can't believe I'm the first to comment on this bit considering how long this article's been here, but here goes:
Sure, ONE person has noticed that that's indeed Solid Snake from MGS in the photo of Moses, not Splinter Cell's Sam Fisher. But the double-whammy is... What's the name of that place where Metal Gear Solid takes place again? Shadow... Shadow *something* Island... Right? *gasp!*
It's true, the Bible has a phenomenal amount of ass-kicking. It's not just Jesus petting lambs. Just google "David's Mighty Men" or read 2 Samuel 23. They're even making a movie about it
This is one of the funniest things I have ever read in my life. I'm also a Christian, and I don't see anything wrong with this at all. Omg, my sides hurt so bad. "Gaze upon our dick tower and despair" LMAO.
I can't read anymore - I'm in pain! TOO FREAKING FUNNY!!!!!!!!!
@ GalahadPC: I actually found a manga-style graphic novel version of the Bible at a Christian book store.
watch some sexy kick ass sexy girl
http://watchcelebrity.com/sexy_girl_car.html
joepaperThis semester in Old Testament studies, my teacher studiously covered each and every one of the exerps from this list.
This is the funniest goddam thing I've read in ages. thank you, thank you, thank you.
FelixOfFlynn: The Palestinians aren't the Philistines; it's a common mistake. It's just that when the Romans conquered Cana'an/Israel/Palestine/whatever they named it Palestina after the Philistines already living there, and then when large groups from the neighbouring (that's right, British spelling) countries came along, they named themselves after the country. The original Philistines died out, probably from having their penises destroyed by people like David up there.
On the subject of which, the reason David was meant to bring back foreskins as proof of the slaying was that most of the nations in the area (including the Israelites, obviously) practiced ritual circumcisions, but the Philistines didn't. So the Israelites presumably thought that they were way too proud of their wangs. Or something.
Hey, this article is so great, I've made a sequel. I hope you like it. :)
http://www.jollyheathen.com/2009/06/5-more-badass-bible-verses.html
this is to much.. i found this to be funny and so true.. lightn up ppl.. doesnt your "good book" tell ya to turn the other cheek?? hehehehehe
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All you people talking about Christianity are kinda missing an important point here--all of these quotes are from the Old Testament, as in the Hebrew Bible. Not really christian at all. Brought to you by the same people who brought you the Mossad.
The Hebrew bible had a lot of ass kicking, but Jesus was kind of a hippie. Just saying.
I know that everybody always brings up the story of Jesus turning over the tables of the money changers in the temple to show he was "metal" or whatever. If Sampson had been there he would have used the money changers' coins as ninja stars and, somewhere along the line, someone's arm would have been ripped off and used to beat him to death.