The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses
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#6.
Judges 3:16-23
They say that history repeats itself, and this verse illustrates that clearly. Our hero Ehud came up with the idea of concealing a weapon by strapping it to his body several thousand years before John McClane did in Die Hard.
Instead of strapping it to his back, Ehud chose to tie it to his thigh. One wonders why the royal guards didn't comment when they frisked Elud and felt 18 inches of rigid steel in his pants. Maybe, they just assumed he was Egyptian.
Really, the only way to improve on this would be by shoehorning an awful pun into it, such as "You should really cut down on your fat intake!" or "Looks like being king takes guts!" As he leaves, Ehud shows he hasn't forgotten his good manners by considerately shutting the door behind him. It doesn't say if he went flying across rooftops Assassin's Creed-style, so we're forced to assume he did. As bad as the delivery of that particular message from God went for Eglon, he got off lucky. As you'll see, God sometimes delivers the message himself. #5.
Numbers 16:23, 31-33
The above happened years after Moses killed the Egyptian guy and led a country's worth of Hebrews into the desert where they wandered aimlessly for several decades (as seen in The Ten Commandments). At some point, a troublemaker named Korah and 250 supporters banded together and aired a series of complaints about the fact that they were wandering aimlessly in the desert. God listened carefully to their complaints, weighed their points, then made the earth eat them alive. The text does not make it clear whether or not the earth made that "OM NOM NOM" sound, so scholars are forced to speculate. This really puts things in perspective for the anti-religion critics. They can complain all they want about religious "intolerance" and pushy evangelicals trying to censor TV and annoy people into conversion. But, that's a hell of an improvement over the situation during the Exodus, when God would feed nonbelievers to the mighty Sarlacc.
Two verses later, God sends down a ball of fire and incinerates the other 250 rebels. You have to imagine there was a moment of tentative relief when the 250 rebels saw that they had not been swallowed up along with Korah. "Yeah," they probably said. "Thank you! We were just about to bury that asshole ourselves! Fortunately, we all have learned the error of our rebellious ways and--hey, what's that ... AAARRRGGGHHH! FIRE!!" #4.
Deuteronomy 25:11-12
This is a man's law, right here. When Conan became king at the end of Conan the Destroyer, you can bet he made sure there was a rule just like this his first day in office. "Ladies, we respect your right to resolve disputes in whatever manner you feel necessary for the situation. But, DO NOT GRAB THE JUNK." The words in the Bible are actually those of God, speaking to the Hebrews and taking time to add the junk-grab rule into the supplemental commandments that didn't make it into the original 10. This had to be right after God realized his plan for a male-dominated society had a fatal flaw, which is that the women could prevail in any conflict simply by grabbing the men's junk. Now, you nervous, liberal types are complaining that this is barbaric and misogynistic. Perhaps, a little context helps. Just a couple of pages earlier, in Deuteronomy 23:1, we get this:
"Emasculated by crushing?" Gah! Everything in the Bible has to be understood in context of the times these people were living in. And, apparently, these people lived in a time when "crushing" the nuts was so common that the crushed-nuts victims were an entire demographic that had to be accounted for in the law. Call these commandments savage if you want, but if you were God, how many nuts would you have to see "crushed" before you overreacted? We're thinking the answer is two. Of course, if you're not a believer and don't think this "grab the nuts, lose a hand" commandment is from the almighty at all, then it becomes obvious what happened: The rule was handed down by some angry clergyman within the first minute or so of having his junk crushed. All perspective tends to go out the window at that moment. |
After bypassing the tight security, Ehud continues to act like a Bruce Willis character by busting out a snappy one liner: "I have a message from God for you," he declares shortly before whipping out his blade and shanking the evil, grotesquely obese King Eglon in the belly.
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i just gotta say dis s**t made me laugh my ass off in class. who ever wrote dis is one funny idividual. for real =)
All you people talking about Christianity are kinda missing an important point here--all of these quotes are from the Old Testament, as in the Hebrew Bible. Not really christian at all. Brought to you by the same people who brought you the Mossad.
The Hebrew bible had a lot of ass kicking, but Jesus was kind of a hippie. Just saying.
I know that everybody always brings up the story of Jesus turning over the tables of the money changers in the temple to show he was "metal" or whatever. If Sampson had been there he would have used the money changers' coins as ninja stars and, somewhere along the line, someone's arm would have been ripped off and used to beat him to death.
You know, I gotta wonder how many more converts (or at least admirers) we'd get when people realize how utterly badass many of our saints and heroes are, rather than acting like they're something to be ashamed of. Turn the other check first, but then you turn the right hook.
That nice Jewish carpenter boy? Yeah, he pretty much tore hell a new one, and at Armageddon he looks a lot more like a blood stained avenger than emaciated skinny guy. Lawful Good does not mean niceness to evil.
You don't need to describe the Bible and our almighty father, and Lord and Savior Jesus Christ with such obscene and completely inappropriate disrespectful language. We will pray for you. Maybe you should look deep into your hearts and allow God in, because you have not accepted him into your life as shows your lack of respect for his word for he gave his only son to die on the cross for the sins that you just used to discribe the Bible.
Well, this actually shows that sometimes a person who believes in God also has to do badass things.
you left out Moses and the priests getting baked in "pillars" of smoke, so much so, that they saw a being that they thought was God:
1. As Moses went into the tent, the pillar of cloud would come down and stay at the entrance, while the LORD spoke with Moses.... the LORD would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks with his friend.
2. When the priests withdrew from the Holy Place, the cloud filled the temple of the LORD. And the priests could not perform their service because of the cloud, for the glory of the LORD filled his temple.
Anyone here know Nebuchadnezzar's tower? If you get into the dimensions, you find out that it's actually a giant wang.
you know I have been an Atheist for a long time but from now on I can't help but go with the religion that has banned the grabbing of another junk!
I am officially converted.
To bad that Ezekiel 25:17 was made up for Pulp Fiction. It's not the real Ezekiel 25:17.
I was simply shocked to not find Ezekiel 25:17 here
"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."
-God
I can't believe I'm the first to comment on this bit considering how long this article's been here, but here goes:
Sure, ONE person has noticed that that's indeed Solid Snake from MGS in the photo of Moses, not Splinter Cell's Sam Fisher. But the double-whammy is... What's the name of that place where Metal Gear Solid takes place again? Shadow... Shadow *something* Island... Right? *gasp!*
It's true, the Bible has a phenomenal amount of ass-kicking. It's not just Jesus petting lambs. Just google "David's Mighty Men" or read 2 Samuel 23. They're even making a movie about it
This is one of the funniest things I have ever read in my life. I'm also a Christian, and I don't see anything wrong with this at all. Omg, my sides hurt so bad. "Gaze upon our dick tower and despair" LMAO.
I can't read anymore - I'm in pain! TOO FREAKING FUNNY!!!!!!!!!
@ GalahadPC: I actually found a manga-style graphic novel version of the Bible at a Christian book store.
watch some sexy kick ass sexy girl
http://watchcelebrity.com/sexy_girl_car.html
joepaperThis semester in Old Testament studies, my teacher studiously covered each and every one of the exerps from this list.
This is the funniest goddam thing I've read in ages. thank you, thank you, thank you.
FelixOfFlynn: The Palestinians aren't the Philistines; it's a common mistake. It's just that when the Romans conquered Cana'an/Israel/Palestine/whatever they named it Palestina after the Philistines already living there, and then when large groups from the neighbouring (that's right, British spelling) countries came along, they named themselves after the country. The original Philistines died out, probably from having their penises destroyed by people like David up there.
On the subject of which, the reason David was meant to bring back foreskins as proof of the slaying was that most of the nations in the area (including the Israelites, obviously) practiced ritual circumcisions, but the Philistines didn't. So the Israelites presumably thought that they were way too proud of their wangs. Or something.
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I only read the part that mentions Moses.. and that is shown because it shows what God rose Moses up to be! A mighty leader that led his people out of slavery with God's power. It shows that whatever fault we may have God will still forgive us. i'm praying for youu.