The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

im pretty sure this story is actually old. go to http://stuffididlastnight.com for full details

wow, it's s**t like this that's makes me think that doorstop might be worth a read

Wow. The Bible just gets better and better on every transalation!

Great work!

I am a christian, and i liked it too. It wasnt full of blasphemy as such things normally is.

Another thing i want to say, is that the NT also is full of such things. For example the story of Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5:1-11.
In that story, Ananias and his wife Sapphira sold their property to give the money to the church, but they didnt want to give all of the money to the church, so they hid some of their money, but they couldnt hide them from God, so he killed them.

Said with other words, if you hid grain from the authorities in the USSR, you would be send to the GULAG camps, but if you hid money from God (actually Gods church, as he doesnt need the money himself), you get killed.

But that is nothing compared to the Revalation. There you have (and i will only speak of those, who clearly are on Gods side):

1. The angels with the trumpets in chapter 8.

2. The two witnesses in chapter 11.

3. The angels with the seven bowls of wrath in chapter 16.

4. The great battle against Satan, the Beast (666/616), and the False Prophet (the propaganda minister of the Beast) before the millenium in 19:11-21.

5. The great battle against Satan, after the millenium in 20:7-10.

The irreverent but accurate observations of biblical pwnage made this article awesome. Old Testament brutality proves in comparison to God, humans are more stupid and less significant than we like to pretend.

what happened to deuteronomy 32:41?

In reference to #7, the (translated) text reads:

"...whose genitals were like those of donkeys..."

If I may speak transculturally for a moment, I have noted an anthropological study of an African tribe in which larger penis size was actually undesirable, to the point of being a common insult. "Your penis is huge" was actually a common reason for rejecting a partner. Of course, this was in the context of a far more matriarchal society than ours, where each women was expected to take multiple lovers in addition to their husband.

I say this both to illustrate a possible alternative subtext, as well as to further procrastinate my own studies.

Cheers,

Sean.

They say Oscar Wilde visited America once, and when he got heckled by his moralistic audience he called them all Philistines. Then some nameless American joe called out, "Yeah, and you're slaying us with the jaw of an ass!" All I can say is: damn, yo. Damn. This was back in the days before onlookers learned to go, "Ohhhhh snap, son!" but I think that even now, generations later, that deserves a snap. You don't f**k with Americans. Incidentally, Oscar Wilde converted to Catholicism on his death bed. I'm just saying.

We nicknamed our Abrams the Pale Horse after Revelations 6:8 "And I looked and behold, a pale horse. And his name that sat upon him was Death, and Hell followed with him." When you see the pale horse you know death has come for you. We are death, and we bring Hell with us.

David was indeed kick-ass. It's just too bad he worked so hard for Micah and didn't stay with her. Anyone remember a wee little scene with a certain Bathsheba (sp.) bathing on the roof and David deciding he had to have her? Which is too bad.

But still, very good article.

Hats off to the writers on such a hilarious article and it's written very well. Great material. I'm laughing hysterically in my little office at work and I know people must think I'm nuts, but hey, it feels great! I came from a crazy fundamentalist christian background and I have to say, this stuff is great!!! Please, give us more!!!

Dude, you guys totally forgot to mention Ehud was left-handed. He's like the ONLY left-handed man named in the Bible and he kicks ass! That's also how he got away with the sword. People expected weapons to be strapped to the OTHER leg, because left-handers were so rare.

Ehud was able to hide that big sword on his leg because he was lame, and apparently he had a splint or something on it. No kidding.

This article could as easily be titled "9 Reasons to convert to Judaism (or Christianity)"

You guys rock! Great Article! I will be watching for others written by David Wong and Owen Ball. Moses as Sam Fisher! Too funny! Great Writing!

It's worth noting that the law of the Old Testament applies to the modern day as well, when it suits people to say it does.

It is important to note that the Law of the Old Testament is only fully applicable to the Israelites of the day.

Soup-on-a-stick, have you ever been grounded by your parents? Same general sort of thing. God loves you, but he isn't shy about setting and enforcing rules.

The change in God's temperament and MO from the Old Testament tot he New Testament has always mystified me. All throughout the OT God is personally kicking ass or having one of His prophets do it for Him. Then quite suddenly, in the NT, here comes Jesus talking about how God is a God of love, a forgiving and loving Father. No wonder the Pharisees and Sadducees listened to him and thought he was wacked. Yet God did not smite Jesus, nor did He he smite the Romans or the Pharisees or Sadducees when they had Jesus crucified. In fact He was just sort of non-committal on the whole affair except for a thunderstorm and opening up a bunch of graves.

Maokun, that's Elijah who slaughtered the f**k out of the Baal prophets, with fires from the sky and everything.

ELIJAH, not ELISHA.
Obi-Wan, not Luke.

And I'm a big boobed woman, once, in my Freudian dream.