Register
Home > History > The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

By David Wong, Owen Ball November 28, 2007 1,932,897 views
article image
#6.
Judges 3:16-23

They say that history repeats itself, and this verse illustrates that clearly. Our hero Ehud came up with the idea of concealing a weapon by strapping it to his body several thousand years before John McClane did in Die Hard.

Instead of strapping it to his back, Ehud chose to tie it to his thigh. One wonders why the royal guards didn't comment when they frisked Elud and felt 18 inches of rigid steel in his pants. Maybe, they just assumed he was Egyptian.

After bypassing the tight security, Ehud continues to act like a Bruce Willis character by busting out a snappy one liner: "I have a message from God for you," he declares shortly before whipping out his blade and shanking the evil, grotesquely obese King Eglon in the belly.

Really, the only way to improve on this would be by shoehorning an awful pun into it, such as "You should really cut down on your fat intake!" or "Looks like being king takes guts!" As he leaves, Ehud shows he hasn't forgotten his good manners by considerately shutting the door behind him. It doesn't say if he went flying across rooftops Assassin's Creed-style, so we're forced to assume he did.

As bad as the delivery of that particular message from God went for Eglon, he got off lucky. As you'll see, God sometimes delivers the message himself.

#5.
Numbers 16:23, 31-33

The above happened years after Moses killed the Egyptian guy and led a country's worth of Hebrews into the desert where they wandered aimlessly for several decades (as seen in The Ten Commandments). At some point, a troublemaker named Korah and 250 supporters banded together and aired a series of complaints about the fact that they were wandering aimlessly in the desert.

God listened carefully to their complaints, weighed their points, then made the earth eat them alive. The text does not make it clear whether or not the earth made that "OM NOM NOM" sound, so scholars are forced to speculate.

This really puts things in perspective for the anti-religion critics. They can complain all they want about religious "intolerance" and pushy evangelicals trying to censor TV and annoy people into conversion. But, that's a hell of an improvement over the situation during the Exodus, when God would feed nonbelievers to the mighty Sarlacc.

Two verses later, God sends down a ball of fire and incinerates the other 250 rebels. You have to imagine there was a moment of tentative relief when the 250 rebels saw that they had not been swallowed up along with Korah. "Yeah," they probably said. "Thank you! We were just about to bury that asshole ourselves! Fortunately, we all have learned the error of our rebellious ways and--hey, what's that ... AAARRRGGGHHH! FIRE!!"

#4.
Deuteronomy 25:11-12

This is a man's law, right here. When Conan became king at the end of Conan the Destroyer, you can bet he made sure there was a rule just like this his first day in office. "Ladies, we respect your right to resolve disputes in whatever manner you feel necessary for the situation. But, DO NOT GRAB THE JUNK."

The words in the Bible are actually those of God, speaking to the Hebrews and taking time to add the junk-grab rule into the supplemental commandments that didn't make it into the original 10. This had to be right after God realized his plan for a male-dominated society had a fatal flaw, which is that the women could prevail in any conflict simply by grabbing the men's junk.

Now, you nervous, liberal types are complaining that this is barbaric and misogynistic. Perhaps, a little context helps. Just a couple of pages earlier, in Deuteronomy 23:1, we get this:

"Emasculated by crushing?" Gah! Everything in the Bible has to be understood in context of the times these people were living in. And, apparently, these people lived in a time when "crushing" the nuts was so common that the crushed-nuts victims were an entire demographic that had to be accounted for in the law. Call these commandments savage if you want, but if you were God, how many nuts would you have to see "crushed" before you overreacted? We're thinking the answer is two.

Of course, if you're not a believer and don't think this "grab the nuts, lose a hand" commandment is from the almighty at all, then it becomes obvious what happened: The rule was handed down by some angry clergyman within the first minute or so of having his junk crushed. All perspective tends to go out the window at that moment.

Recommended for Your Pleasure

800 Comments

@ GalahadPC: I actually found a manga-style graphic novel version of the Bible at a Christian book store.

6/28/2009 3:22:49 PM
Gundamsandzords

watch some sexy kick ass sexy girl

http://watchcelebrity.com/sexy_girl_car.html

6/25/2009 9:43:14 AM
joepaper

This semester in Old Testament studies, my teacher studiously covered each and every one of the exerps from this list.

6/11/2009 7:35:35 PM
Quesoformagio

This is the funniest goddam thing I've read in ages. thank you, thank you, thank you.

6/10/2009 11:13:45 PM
malsch

FelixOfFlynn: The Palestinians aren't the Philistines; it's a common mistake. It's just that when the Romans conquered Cana'an/Israel/Palestine/whatever they named it Palestina after the Philistines already living there, and then when large groups from the neighbouring (that's right, British spelling) countries came along, they named themselves after the country. The original Philistines died out, probably from having their penises destroyed by people like David up there.

On the subject of which, the reason David was meant to bring back foreskins as proof of the slaying was that most of the nations in the area (including the Israelites, obviously) practiced ritual circumcisions, but the Philistines didn't. So the Israelites presumably thought that they were way too proud of their wangs. Or something.

6/9/2009 11:16:36 AM
JekalMan

Hey, this article is so great, I've made a sequel. I hope you like it. :)

http://www.jollyheathen.com/2009/06/5-more-badass-bible-verses.html

6/4/2009 6:14:57 PM
jollyheathen

this is to much.. i found this to be funny and so true.. lightn up ppl.. doesnt your "good book" tell ya to turn the other cheek?? hehehehehe

5/12/2009 7:59:51 AM
ScratchOutGirl

I would just like to take this opportunity to point out that the Philistines, though their name has changed a little today are the Palestinians. So basically a many of the problems in the world today are caused the long tradition that the Jews and Philistines/Palestinians have of killing each other.

5/3/2009 6:31:17 AM
FelixOflynn

FishBulb: There is a manga Bible. There are some animation shows, but they're mostly not badass. Except that one where David looked like Ryu. I kid you not.

4/6/2009 2:17:14 AM
BATZARRO

This post really opened my eyes the the Badassness present in the bible. I would like to help others find this and would like to try to Certify this as Bad ass. Please check here: http://www.certifiedbadass.com/story.php?title=badassness-in-the-bible-1 to see if it's been certified or to cast your vote. Alternatively type: Certified Badass, into Google and click "I'm Feeling lucky" to see whats currently certified. I hope this post makes it top the top.

4/5/2009 6:03:18 PM
CertifiedBadass

blondchik, 10 bucks says you treat the Qu'ran, the Mahabrhata, the Analects, and the Parables of Siddartha as 'just a book'.

And also, people don't 'choose sin'. It's just that people have a little thing called self-preservation instincts, and having sex, and taking food, and knowing when to back out is part of that.

Seriously, Jesus wasn't even his real name. Don't have a cow, man.

4/1/2009 10:00:30 PM
TheLordOfDance

i can't remember a time that pre-dates the time i began reading blondchik's post

3/31/2009 11:54:59 AM
mikeleighb

Hilarious! I was inspired to write my own for "The Book of Mormon":

http://www.imbusyliving.net/2009/03/9-badass-book-of-mormon-stories.html

3/24/2009 9:02:31 PM
yuukanna

I will start off by saying that I am Roman Catholic and have gone to catholic school my entire life. That said, I thought this article was AWESOME! I haven't laughed that hard in forever! (I too thought Samson was a badass after we read about him beating the Phillistines with a jawbone during ethics)

3/20/2009 8:03:33 PM
mefco

I thought this article was the funniest thing I'd ever read, until blondchik9689 typed "Song of Salmon" in pages-long rebuke of your Biblically-inspired puns. Now THAT was classic.

3/20/2009 1:35:55 PM
skatoolaki

I'm a pretty serious christ follower but I found this article--and almost all articles on this site--pretty freaking hilarious.

I mean, this is a comedy website. everything doesn't have to be taken seriously!

3/20/2009 8:18:03 AM
yesbutnotyou

I'm a Christian, and find this absolutely hilarious.

PLEASE know that some of us have a sense of humour... there's seriously nothing offensive in this article at all.

3/19/2009 3:05:15 AM
roeas29

lmarsh84 has got it sopt-on

3/18/2009 4:02:57 PM
blobble

Crucifixion's a doddle.

3/18/2009 11:17:44 AM
FishBulb

What I love about this article was that whether you believe in the truth of the Bible or not, you have to admit - it's freaking epic reading. The fact that it's at least semi-historical, set in a time and place that was pretty much kill or be killed, just makes it more insane.

And if you think there's nothing badass in the New Testament, consider Jesus, nailed to a couple planks and still forgiving his killers and a thief next to him. He's busy suffering one of the most torturous deaths ever devised by human ingenuity and he's STILL trying to save everybody. Also, the whole book of Revelation.

Seriously, why hasn't there been an anime made of Bible adaptations yet?

3/15/2009 8:35:26 AM
GalahadPC

More on History

Fark Logo
Recent Videos

Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.