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Whatever new-fangled video games and hover boards are hitting toy store shelves this Christmas, there are some classics that just never go away. We're talking about toys that go back decades and even centuries. Why? We're not sure, because most of them suck. #10.
Slinky
What is it: Why it sucks: Those children promptly ran up to the top of the stairs, pushed the Slinky off the top step and watched it flop down to the next where it would stay, completely inert until they nudged it again. Then, it would roll sideways off the step and lay sadly against the wall. Sighing, children the world over would then pack their Slinky away then go outside and do something more fun, like poke some dog shit with a stick. What can make it better: Fun fact: #9.
Space Hopper
What is it: Why it sucks: In reality, the bouncing properties of a Space Hopper equate to those of a dropped egg. And, forward movement is approximately that of an asthmatic beetle with two missing legs. Still, parents around the world saw those ads and, for many of us, at least one Christmas featured a huge, almost round wrapped gift under the tree.
"Gosh, I just don't know." You'd lie, while secretly hoping it might be two BB guns and a poster of the chick from Weird Science wrapped up with a soon to hatch Gremlin. But, you knew you were just fooling yourself. What can make it better: Fun fact: #8.
Ball in a Cup
What is it?: Sometimes called a "balero" depending on what part of the world you're in, it's a wooden cup on a handle, attached to a ball on a string. The idea is to toss the ball into the air and catch it in the cup. And then you...well, nothing. That's it. Why it sucks: What can make it better: Fun fact: #7.
Hula Hoop
What is it: Why it sucks:
Chances are there will be someone nearby whose body seems to be made of rubber, who can somehow gyrate their way to having five of the fucking things spinning around their waist and neck. They'll claim in a loud voice that it's so easy, that you just have to put your hips into it and you'll be fine. It is always OK to throw rocks at this person.
What can make it better: Fun fact: The current endurance record for hula hooping is held by Roxane Rose, who hula hooped for 90 hours in April 1987, probably due to some kind of mental illness. #6.
Aerobie Sprint Flying Ring
What is it?: Why it sucks: A game of Aerobie usually consisted of you throwing the Aerobie to a friend, or more accurately, toward a black speck on the horizon. Your friend will then have to go looking for the Aerobie, which has been predictably blown off course and ended up in a dog-shit infested clump of bushes 150 feet away. After an indeterminate amount of time, your friend emerges, covered in burrs, twigs and poop, and flings the Aerobie back at you. The Aerobie will, naturally, sail 20 feet over your head and land in the stagnant pond 100 meters behind you. The game will then be held up indefinitely as you and your friend decide "motherfuck an Aerobie" and go home. What can make it better: Fun fact: The word "Aerobie" can be used to refer to the sport of ultimate Frisbee, which is a non-contact sport and thus totally pointless. |
What about unicycles? Those things aren't much fun, either.
Alex, you are the type of person this article suggests we throw rocks at. Your vague-ass anecdote implying that all children in Portugal are at least remedially adept with this shitty toy is fucking stupid enough, but then you go on to express surprise that .. what.. somehow a cracked.com article about the difficulty of a toy is telling you something about America? I read about you and kinder surprise...
"Both me and the rapidly decaying soft tissue of King Ligar take great umbrage at your defamatory characterization of the yo-yo." Signed, Rygar
diablo is hard to play with? you guys play with it inside? i remember that kids from 7 to 15 play with diablos in portugal back in the 90's, and we did a bunch of tricks with it, trowing it in the air and catch it was, well the lamest one that you could do, but hey, i read about america and kinder surprise...
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We probably would've been better off not knowing.
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Gaviscon
When i was in Y10 at school, a bunch of aboriginies spent a day at the school to teach us about their history and shit... anyway, we went to a park to throw boomerangs and we dead set could actually catch them. no shit. 16 year olds. but even though u could catch them, didnt make them any more fun