The 10 Least Romantic Love Song Lyrics
Since before Shakespeare asked if he should "compare thee to a summers day," songsmiths have endeavored to paint that perfect picture of their lovers, to capture the joys and agonies of courtship, all with the ultimate goal of convincing women to do acrobatic things to their nether regions.
But with the advent of the modern day rock groupie, whose job description it is to do acrobatic things to the nether regions of anyone capable of growing their hair to shoulder-length, it's apparently become too damn easy for musicians to get laid. Just look at the following list of ten love song lyrics that are sure to get you slapped this Valentine's Day.
10
The Faces. "Stay With Me"
"Won't need too much pursuadin',I don't mean to sound degradin',
But with a face like that you got nothin' to laugh about."
Rod Stewart making comments on someone else's looks? That's pretty rich, Roderick.
It's a good rule of thumb that anything you could possibly say to a women following the phrase, "I don't mean to sound degradin', but..." is good for a trip directly to dry-penis-ville.
9
Snoop Dogg. "I Wanna F*** You"
"Grab you by your coat tail take you to the motel, hoe sale,don't tell, won't tell...
if you pick me then ima pick on you,
d-o-double g and I'm here to put this dick on you."
Snoop sure knows how to make a lady feel special. He starts off by describing how he's going to kidnap his love interest and take her to a ho sale, which sounds more like some sort of forced slave auction than anything very romantic. From there he immediately tells the girl not to tell on him, which has an incredibly creepy, Kevin Bacon in Sleepers vibe to it. Just an all around poor performance from one of hip-hop's favorite misogynists. And also, Snoop, we're pretty sure it's "in" and not "on," unless we've been doing things wrong all these years.
8
Emerson Lake and Palmer. "Still... You Turn Me On"
"When you're buried in disguise By the dark glass on your eyes
Though your flesh has crystallized;
Still...you turn me on.
Every day a little sadder,
A little madder,
Someone get me a ladder."
Wow this is creepy. Is the ladder for the girl you keep in the hole in your basement?
7
Jimmy Webb. "MacArthur Park"
"As we followed in the dance, Between the parted pages and were pressed,
In love's hot, fevered iron,
Like a striped pair of pants."
There's not much we can say here. Just read it over a couple of times. Yes, this song is the ACME of bad lyrics, but this particular passage is breathtaking. 'Yes babe, you remind me of my wrinkly pants.'
I would like to admit that, as a fat girl, I love that Prince song. Let's face it: if you're boning a fat girl because you think she's sexy (as opposed to boning a fat girl because, say, you're out of other options), you damn well better tell her, because too often us chubsters end up in situations where, if we're getting laid, it's in spite of our asses and not because of 'em.
ReplyWhat's your number?
I'm actually quite surprised that no one mentioned that Wonderful Tonight isn't on here. That one was supposed to be a sarcastic jab by Clapton at how long it took his wife to get ready for anything. If it was said in real life I would imagine it would sound something like this (exasperated tone) "Honey, you look WONDERFUL tonight in that red dress. Now can we please get going?"
ReplyWonderful Tonight is not an un-romantic song lyrically. He may have written it to poke fun at having to wait but I'm pretty sure he still meant what he wrote.
Come on Cracked...the Turtles song is clearly satire...and well written. Isn't that supposed to be your forte?
ReplyHell, Mark Volman ended up in the Mothers with Zappa. That's got to clinch the deal
Surprised not to see Neil Diamond's infectiously creepy "Cracklin' Rosie" make the cut. I don't even want to meet the woman who'd say "You had me at 'store-bought woman', Romeo..."
ReplyAgree that "Elenore" was a missed shot. The Turtles knew darned well they were being funny. Somebody needs to give Mr. Hill a Flo & Eddie tour.
The song's actually about booze.
There's a rumor about 'Elenore' that when it was first written the manager or producer or whoever said it needed to be "more romantic, say things like you're my pride and joy, etc." And they did.
ReplyHow about Bruce Springsteen's Thunder Road? "Show a little faith, there's magic in the night. You ain't a beauty, but hey you're alright."
ReplyActually, I always thought "etceter
ReplyActually, I always thought "etceter
ReplyI don't see anything creepy about number 1. If you ask me, #1 should be "Every Breath You Take" by The Police. That song is so about stalking.
Reply...which is why it's not a love song. It's only stupid people who don't actually listen to the song who think it is. The Police have never, ever, ever said it was one. Sting said once that people are always telling him that they played it at their wedding and he thinks, "Good luck."
People thinking it is a love song makes it a love song. That is why music is art. It takes on the meaning others instill in it. I thought That the Police song was seriously creepy song too though. That and that weird stalker Miley Cyrus song.
You had me till #1. The Turtles knew exactly what they were doing. You just didn't get it.
Replyi love you like a fat kid loves cake is BRILLIANT. seriously, try it on a girl. go on.
ReplyI think it's great. It would work on me.
Oral sex joke goes here.
I'm sorry, but "I love you like a fat kid loves cake" should have been on this list.
ReplyAm I the only one who thinks that line is sort of awkwardly charming.in a cute sort of way?
Where is Limp Bizkit's "Nookie" : I did it all for the Nookie, so you can take that cookie and stick it up your...." Ah, dim the lights and light the candles...
Reply