Bat Battle: Who's The Best Movie Batman?

#4. GEORGE CLOONEY - Batman & Robin (1997)

Ability to Kick Ass
BatClooney, with assists from Robin (Chris O'Donnell) and Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone), does battle here with Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger), a supervillain whose sole superpower is the ability to turn water into ice, making him about as menacing as the cube-making feature in your refrigerator; and Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman), a supervillainess who can grow plants and make men fall in love with her (essentially, the superpowers of an attractive woman with a garden).

Coolness of Costume
BatClooney abandons the yellow Batsymbol and somber blacks, adopting a showy silver look not unlike a crime-fighting tuna fish. Improvements abound in the cowl region, which trades in the cumbersome ceramic headpiece of earlier incarnations for a large-nosed latex rubber mask, meaning Batman can now blow his nose in-costume and possesses peripheral vision of at least an inch on either side. Watch out, criminals standing very slightly to his left or right!

Also worth noting: Against all reason and decency, the Batsuit now features nipples, possibly as part of some new Bat-lactation feature. (Theory: They squirt Gatorade when he's thirsty?)

Those Wonderful Toys

Mr. Freeze uses his only superpower to turn the floor into an ice rink just as Batman and Robin are about to apprehend him. Luckily, our crimefighters yell "Batskates!", at which point, yes, Batskates pop out of their boots and they proceed to play ice hockey with Mr. Freeze's hockey stick-toting goons. Observant Batman fans might notice that being able to make things appear suddenly from the recesses of his body isn't Batman's power; it's Inspector Gadget's (or, failing that, Richard Gere's).

Elsewhere, BatClooney and Robin pull out Batsurfboards and surf down a building, which is actually more ridiculous than Bat-shark repellent, in that it actually manages to break the laws of physics with its brute idiocy.

Smoothness with the Ladies
BatClooney briefly engages in a competitive romantic rivalry with Robin over who gets to date Poison Ivy first, but since they're both under her love potion spell, it's hard to count. Otherwise, Batman & Robin seems more preoccupied with getting Robin some action with the newly arrived Batgirl than scoring anything for the Dark Knight. Lots of lonely nights home alone for BatClooney, it seems: No wonder he had the time to invent the Batskates.

BatClooney sees no problems whatsoever with suiting Chris O'Donnell and Alicia Silverstone up in benippled costumes and enlisting the idiots in his war on crime, despite the fact that no right-thinking person would trust Chris O'Donnell or Alicia Silverstone to lick stamps without turning purple and asphyxiating themselves.

Homoerotic Subtext?
See "Batnipples; casting smoldering looks at one another while having."

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