Featured  

Bat Battle: Who's The Best Movie Batman?

article image

Michael Keaton. Christian Bale. Val Kilmer. George Clooney. Even, yes, Adam West (he did a Batman film during the TV show's run). All of them have donned the bat-ears, the billowy cape, and the pointy gloves for one movie or another, to varying levels of success. Some became fan favorites; others, The Batmen We Do Not Speak Of.

We've gone back through all the batfilms and watched them exhaustively-even Batman & Robin, so that should tell you how seriously we took it. Examining criteria as diverse as ass-kicking ability, scoring tail, and homoerotic undertones, we crunch the numbers to give you the Best Movie Batman Ever (so far).

#5. ADAM WEST - Batman: The Movie (1966)

Coolness of Costume
In a word: dignified. That's what Adam West's Batman isn't. Tiny little nubbin bat-ears, a bat emblem that looks like it's slid halfway down his sallow, pectorally-absent chest, and a cape so wrinkled it makes one wonder if Batman had a long layover in Houston with his costume bunched up in his carry-on.

The worst offense, though, has to be the painted-on eyebrows. The point of Batman's costume is to strike fear in the hearts of criminals, not to make them wonder why he always looks surprised to see them, like he recognizes them from high school or something. "Tom... Tom Franklin? You son of a bitch, get over here, you!"

Also, we didn't bother to include a picture of Batman's bat-package (you're welcome), but let's just say '60s Batman's genital-hugging blue satin panties don't leave a lot to the imagination. Ignorant as to whether or not Adam West is circumcised? Anybody who watched Batman: The Movie can't, unfortunately, say the same.

Ass-Kicking Ability
BatWest fights like someone having a stroke. To be fair, Batman: The Movie's supposed to be campy. To once again be unfair, it looks like they didn't so much choreograph their fights as just run around flailing their arms like the set just caught on fire:

[whistling] Man, let that in. BatWest just got his ass handed to him there by a quacking Burgess Meredith with a pillow under his tuxedo. That's the point in your crime-fighting career where you just need to stop and frankly assess some things that might have gotten away from you. If BatWest had to fight a six-year-old girl on crutches, frankly, it could go either way.

Those Wonderful Toys
BatWest had the Batmobile, the Batcopter, the Batcycle, and the Batcave. But whatever-every Batman has those. What puts BatWest's bat-gadgets head and shoulders above any other movie Batman's gadgets was his magical utility belt, which housed roughly 60 billion bat-themed doohickeys that could be pulled out in any situation whatsoever. Need something soldered? Batblowtorch! Getting gassed by the Penguin? Anti-Penguin gas pills! Want a sandwich sliced? Batlaser! Motherfucker even had Bat-shark repellent on hand:

Smoothness with the Ladies
BatWest must have realized how not macho he looked running around in tight satin panties, and so overcompensated with his alter ego Bruce Wayne, swinging '60s bachelor. The sly grin, slicked-back hair, and ascot (right) combine to make him look like the guest star on an all-sexual predator episode of The Love Boat. Come. And. Get it, ladies.

Plus, if the tell-all autobiographies written by the cast are to be believed, Adam West spent the majority of the TV series and motion picture getting drunk, doing drugs, and attempting to nail any co-star with a pulse and a vagina. Whether or not this was a good thing or a bad thing depends, we suppose, on your stance on this sort of behavior and whose autobiography you're reading.

Posse
Robin "helps out" (i.e., gets kidnapped every 10 minutes), and Commissioner Gordon and Irish stereotype Chief "Bless Me Shamrocks" O'Hara could be counted on to be useless enough to need Batman's assistance on pretty much every single crime committed in Gotham City. Take a breath mint from the Commissioner's desk without asking, and he'd be leaping across his office to the Batphone to get some help cracking the case.

Homoerotic Subtext?
BatWest got around that whole "living (and fighting crime in his underpants) with a minor" thing by having Aunt Harriet move in with them, presumably to keep an eye out for any shenanigans of the homosexual variety. Having said that, they managed to hide secret identities and a vast underground cave fortress with a helicopter pad from her, meaning she was either pretty liberal about the whole thing or had the observational skills of a particularily stupid earthworm.


  • First
  • ←  Previous
  • Page 1 of 5
  • Next  →
  • Last

Submit to: Reddit Facebook StumbleUpon Digg Del.icio.us Fark

Post Comment

101 Comments

In my opinion, they haven't hired an actor who's done justice to the caped crusader yet! Really, "Beetlejuiceman?" "Doc Holiday Wayne?" "Bat-the facts of life man?" And really, what's with Bale sounding like Gollum after a 24 hour deep throatathon?

Posted on 8/31/2008 5:55:25 AM

Oh, and for the record, BatKeaton's movies were terrible. Keaton himself was all right, but it's a downright lie that "Batman Forever marks the point where the villains were officially considered more interesting than Batman himself." The villains were always the main characters in the original franchise. Jack Nicholson got TOP FUCKING BILLING in the first movie, and for damn good reason too; BatKeaton had so little to DO in that movie that I wondered why they bothered including him at all. At least Batman Begins focused on BATMAN.

Posted on 8/21/2008 10:40:24 AM

By far the smartest decision Christopher Nolan made was to have the Joker in the second movie instead of the first. This way, he already had the tedious origin story out of the way, so he didn't need to distract from the awesome that was the Joker.

Posted on 8/21/2008 10:31:18 AM

http://www.ihateyoujulia.com/?id=4eedf9a0d5e2034a6d5ae5d6290a7a1e

Posted on 8/15/2008 9:54:57 AM

The fact that BatConroy (B:TAS) did not make this list only goes to show how pathetic Mr. Pinkerton's crush on Bale truly is. Kevin Conroy was not only Batman way longer than any of these other BatFakes were, he kicked some villian's butt at least once every week for years. BatKilmer and BatClooney ran away and hid after their movies, and BatKeaton and BatBale were so sick of the fight it took them three years each just to put on the suit again.

Posted on 8/12/2008 9:52:42 AM

The desert camo Batmobile makes sense. There are very few rivers in the Mid-East, but those that exist are strategically important, such as the Tigris, Jordan, Euphrates, Nile, etc.

Posted on 8/8/2008 8:24:05 PM

The best Batman is the animated one from TAS. All these live-action guys suck. What's with the rubber suits? Christian Bale is absolutely horrible with his silly voice & lispy mouth. The other guys can't turn their heads & Adam West is silly.

I'm still waiting for a decent live-action Batman.

Posted on 8/5/2008 6:34:30 AM

I think someone should write about the villains in batman. Actually, just Arnold as Mr. Freeze. I just watched that movie and it was pretty much a comedy, not an action film. At one point when Mr. Freeze is escaping with his diamond, he gives a thumbs up and says "Cool Party!" in that hilarious Austrian voice of his. The result is many replayings of that moment.

Posted on 8/3/2008 3:59:02 PM

For my money, it doesn't get any better than Keaton. I'd like Christian Bale if he didn't sound like he got a Falcon Punch to the windpipe every time he spoke.

Posted on 8/2/2008 3:20:11 PM

Michael Keaton is still the best as of August 2008, Clooney is the worst and the 'batmen' in dark knight do a better job than Clooney :). But I have to say this again KEATON ROCKS AS BATMAN.

Posted on 8/2/2008 7:47:21 AM

his name is michael keaton the best batman eva!!!!!

Posted on 7/30/2008 10:33:11 PM

erk06, its called denial.

Posted on 7/27/2008 8:14:19 PM

definitely keaton! he was a brilliant batman and clearly proved himself with the first two films, which remain the best batman films....mmmhhmmm.

Posted on 7/27/2008 1:08:44 AM

Michael Keaton is the best one. He put on the bat suit and looks at you like: "Im a man in a rubber suit, and I can still seriously Kick some ass"

Posted on 7/25/2008 12:58:57 PM

Clooney is the worst Batman everjavascript:document.comments.submit();.

Posted on 7/25/2008 12:55:29 PM

But what about Lewis Wilson? Shafted again! (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0035665/)

Posted on 7/24/2008 7:39:16 PM

To be fair: Keaton's character did NOT reveal himself to his love interests: Alfred dimed out his employer to Vicky Vale and Catwoman found out at the same moment he realized who he was.

And Clooney was not a bad Batman - it's just that Batman and Robin was an atrocity. It's not George C's fault he had to have bat nipples.

I agree 100 percent that Bale is the best.

Posted on 7/24/2008 4:32:41 PM

I really like the inhuman growl BatBale used of the past two - it really made you understand just how he got to be such a feared figure.

And for the third movie, I'm hoping they bring out Harley Quinn, as a woman who's lover was taken from her (assuming Joker was killed here) by Batman, and just out for his blood. Batmans death is her only real end. That would look good.

Posted on 7/23/2008 6:44:30 PM

I agree with Onodera on this. Clooney was just a horrible Batman, even though it might not be his fault entirely because everything else sucked (script, director, etc.). Also, if you're gonna use someone's else's voice, then HELL NO with Keaton. Use Kevin Conroy, the guy who did Batman's voice on the cartoon! His voice is PERFECT for Batman.

Posted on 7/23/2008 9:39:28 AM

Manleyart: you are gay wrong, I mean dead wrong. Nothing of Clooney should be in Batman. I haven't seen a batman movie since I saw a preview of Clooney as Batman way back when.

Posted on 7/22/2008 1:44:50 PM

More Movies


Avatar
Michael Swaim
Posted: 9/4/2008 7:43:20 PM
Post Subject: An Open Letter To David Duchovny (Incl., Full Resumé)

Mr. Duchovny, It has recently come to my attention (as well as the attention of everyone else) that you are in rehab for Sex Addiction. First off, let me say congratulations; that's super great. Pr ...

Avatar The Issue Sarah Palin Must Address: I Want to See Her Naked
If you've visited digg.com at any point over the past two weeks, you've probably seen ...
Avatar I Want A VP I Can Take To The Fight Club
If the Cracked blog has a weak point--and it doesn't--it's that we occasionally neglect subjects dea ...