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Bat Battle: Who's The Best Movie Batman Ever?

By Jay Pinkerton
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Michael Keaton. Christian Bale. Val Kilmer. George Clooney. Even, yes, Adam West (he did a Batman film during the TV show's run). All of them have donned the bat-ears, the billowy cape, and the pointy gloves for one movie or another, to varying levels of success. Some became fan favorites; others, The Batmen We Do Not Speak Of.

We've gone back through all the batfilms and watched them exhaustively-even Batman & Robin, so that should tell you how seriously we took it. Examining criteria as diverse as ass-kicking ability, scoring tail, and homoerotic undertones, we crunch the numbers to give you the Best Movie Batman Ever (so far).

#5. ADAM WEST - Batman: The Movie (1966)

Coolness of Costume
In a word: dignified. That's what Adam West's Batman isn't. Tiny little nubbin bat-ears, a bat emblem that looks like it's slid halfway down his sallow, pectorally-absent chest, and a cape so wrinkled it makes one wonder if Batman had a long layover in Houston with his costume bunched up in his carry-on.

The worst offense, though, has to be the painted-on eyebrows. The point of Batman's costume is to strike fear in the hearts of criminals, not to make them wonder why he always looks surprised to see them, like he recognizes them from high school or something. "Tom... Tom Franklin? You son of a bitch, get over here, you!"

Also, we didn't bother to include a picture of Batman's bat-package (you're welcome), but let's just say '60s Batman's genital-hugging blue satin panties don't leave a lot to the imagination. Ignorant as to whether or not Adam West is circumcised? Anybody who watched Batman: The Movie can't, unfortunately, say the same.

Ass-Kicking Ability
BatWest fights like someone having a stroke. To be fair, Batman: The Movie's supposed to be campy. To once again be unfair, it looks like they didn't so much choreograph their fights as just run around flailing their arms like the set just caught on fire:

[whistling] Man, let that in. BatWest just got his ass handed to him there by a quacking Burgess Meredith with a pillow under his tuxedo. That's the point in your crime-fighting career where you just need to stop and frankly assess some things that might have gotten away from you. If BatWest had to fight a six-year-old girl on crutches, frankly, it could go either way.

Those Wonderful Toys
BatWest had the Batmobile, the Batcopter, the Batcycle, and the Batcave. But whatever-every Batman has those. What puts BatWest's bat-gadgets head and shoulders above any other movie Batman's gadgets was his magical utility belt, which housed roughly 60 billion bat-themed doohickeys that could be pulled out in any situation whatsoever. Need something soldered? Batblowtorch! Getting gassed by the Penguin? Anti-Penguin gas pills! Want a sandwich sliced? Batlaser! Motherfucker even had Bat-shark repellent on hand:

Smoothness with the Ladies
BatWest must have realized how not macho he looked running around in tight satin panties, and so overcompensated with his alter ego Bruce Wayne, swinging '60s bachelor. The sly grin, slicked-back hair, and ascot (right) combine to make him look like the guest star on an all-sexual predator episode of The Love Boat. Come. And. Get it, ladies.

Plus, if the tell-all autobiographies written by the cast are to be believed, Adam West spent the majority of the TV series and motion picture getting drunk, doing drugs, and attempting to nail any co-star with a pulse and a vagina. Whether or not this was a good thing or a bad thing depends, we suppose, on your stance on this sort of behavior and whose autobiography you're reading.

Posse
Robin "helps out" (i.e., gets kidnapped every 10 minutes), and Commissioner Gordon and Irish stereotype Chief "Bless Me Shamrocks" O'Hara could be counted on to be useless enough to need Batman's assistance on pretty much every single crime committed in Gotham City. Take a breath mint from the Commissioner's desk without asking, and he'd be leaping across his office to the Batphone to get some help cracking the case.

Homoerotic Subtext?
BatWest got around that whole "living (and fighting crime in his underpants) with a minor" thing by having Aunt Harriet move in with them, presumably to keep an eye out for any shenanigans of the homosexual variety. Having said that, they managed to hide secret identities and a vast underground cave fortress with a helicopter pad from her, meaning she was either pretty liberal about the whole thing or had the observational skills of a particularily stupid dead hamster.


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46 Comments

you're forgetting the scene where batbale is in a 5-star restaurant pond thingy with two hot bitches.

Posted on 7/2/2008 12:18:03 PM

Bale!!!! I love when he was yelling so hard he was spitting at the crook hanging upside down

Posted on 7/2/2008 8:31:05 AM

Bale might be a better Batman, but Keaton was the best Wayne ever.

Posted on 7/2/2008 7:00:09 AM

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Posted on 7/2/2008 6:38:02 AM

"I'mphth Thatpthman!"

Posted on 7/1/2008 1:37:04 AM

Christian Bale is only an OK Batman. First off, Batman does NOT lisp. Christian Bale almost sounds like The Spleen in Mystery Men! Second, Christian Bale, though very brood-y, doesn't do the Bruce Wayne thing very well. Michael Keaton had it DOWN. Who's this? Oh! It's goofy ass Bruce Wayne! He's such a womanizer and a klutz! But then, Bruce Wayne sees the Bat signal! Then that look of darkness comes across his face...THERE'S THE FUCKED UP KID! THERE'S Batman! Christian Bale just walks around all the time like he just woke up from the wrong side of the bed. There's not two parts to his persona...only ONE. Mr. BAT-grouch!

Posted on 7/1/2008 1:36:09 AM

The first time i watched Batman begins is the first time ive ever really had to question my orientation. What are these confusing thoughts entering my head? Why does this mysterious man make me,.. like his decision to kill.. or not, the prisoner for Raz Ahgoul. These feelings subsidided only after growing a beard like chuck norris, chopping down 10 trees like grizzly adams, and intermitingly hitting my wife(no reason)...

Posted on 6/29/2008 8:26:40 PM

Hey BigBeauty08: Batman doesn't fuck fat chicks.

Posted on 6/29/2008 5:40:55 PM

Keaton does it for me. Bale eh he's okay, I'll see Dark Knight when it's available from netflix

Posted on 6/29/2008 1:22:56 PM

Christian Bale pretty much saved Batman. Plus the director saved it by making the batman theme itself more plausible. The Dark Knight is going to kick ass!

Posted on 6/29/2008 12:00:04 PM

Spoo, any movie based on Miller's The Dark Knight Returns with a decent cast and director would be the movie of the decade. Seeing Batman fighting the Mutant leader in that movie would give me shivers.

Posted on 6/28/2008 7:19:21 PM

The scarecrow was in Batman Begins, to which Cillian Murphy's portrayal was simply awesome.

Posted on 6/28/2008 4:23:14 PM

If and when someone antes up the sack to tackle the Miller "Return of the Dark Knight" (like Zach Snyder)we could see untold levels of cool. There are some great possibilities for an older Bruce Wayne. If he would step outside his Dirty Harry and spaghetti western cowboy creds I'd love to hear Clint Eastwood gravel-voice, "I'm Batman..." Before fracturing both legs on some bank robber.

Posted on 6/28/2008 3:02:48 PM

Big Mac is a big handsome burger. And it has many fans in big people online club ___Fatassmeat.com_____

Posted on 6/28/2008 2:48:33 PM

"Danny DeVito shoveling raw fish into his mouth...." Classic! On a different note, the only thing that bothered me about BatBale is how pronounced his speech impediment is when he puts on the "scary batman" voice. It's most obvious in that bit where he saves Katie Holmes from the muggers. Otherwise, he's the most believable.

Posted on 6/28/2008 1:42:01 PM

BatBale FTW!!!

Posted on 6/28/2008 10:20:38 AM

michel keaton was the best batman actor and nowdays is bale!FOR ME BATMAN IS THE BEST HERO TO MAKE A MOVIE!DARK,BRUTAL AND SERIOUS!

Posted on 6/28/2008 9:23:21 AM

Batman is a big handsome man. And he has many fans in big people online club ____Plusmeet.com___.

Posted on 6/28/2008 7:19:00 AM

the_random_post_experiment@hotmail.co.uk

Posted on 6/28/2008 7:13:30 AM

christian bale is perfect for batman

Posted on 6/27/2008 10:30:07 AM

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