It can happen to anyone: you're minding your own business when you suddenly trigger the countdown on a Doomsday Device or become involved in a high-speed blimp chase. And all of a sudden you realize you're a tuxedo-clad, eye patch-sporting arch-villain in an action movie. It'll ruin your day every time-not to mention humanity's day. So, please, read this article and get to know the warning signs before it's too late.
5THE FAMILY YOU'VE KIDNAPPED TURNS OUT TO BE HARRISON FORD'S
Warning Sign: The mild-mannered computer programmer, bank teller or President you're trying to put one over on turns out to have biceps the size of coconuts and be an uncannily resourceful kung-fu specialist.
Your Chances: Seagal you could probably take; he's a bit doughy these days and you could wear him out with some rabbit punches and a plate of sandwiches. But if it's Ford, just run and keep running, man. It's not worth it. Dude was Han Solo AND Indiana Jones.In terms of action hero pedigree, that's slightly behind God and far, far ahead of every other person on the planet. He'll demolish your henchmen with little more than a steely gaze, double-fisted punch and/or laser blaster.
4YOU HAVE AN ACCENT/MUSTACHE/MONOCLE/MINOR DEFORMITY
Warning Sign: Ever since Shakespeare's Richard III, villains have had physical deformities meant to "subtly" mirror their twisted souls. Of course, having a gimpy arm doesn't necessarily make you evil, but... well, yes. It does. Got a handlebar mustache too? How about a monocle?
Your Chances: We won't lie to you, they're pretty shit, man. If you're plotting against a good-looking guy and you've got the sort of cringe-inducing deformity or physical accessory that makes you look like a 1920s railroad baron, chances are that means you're the bad guy, and about to get your ass kicked. Being foreign is even worse, because, as all Americans know scientifically: all British, German and vaguely Eastern European are not to be trusted.