Find Your Perfect Board Game


I like hopping wooden chips


Your perfect board game is

CHECKERS

Now, this is a game. There's a definite strategy to it, but it's simple enough that a 7-year-old can play it. It's pretty damn perfect. And don't tell me that you don't just feel like a total badass when you tell your opponent to king you or when you get to jump eight checkers at once. It's just so damn satisfying. And, just in case you feel like you really need to feel refined, you can play Chessters, a game my friend invented, which is just Checkers with Chess pieces. It's great.

 

I am really, really stupid


Your perfect board game is

CHUTES AND LADDERS and CANDY LAND

Hey! Here's an idea for a game! You roll a die, and you move. If you move to the wrong place, you go down a whole bunch of spaces. If you go to the right place, you get to jump ahead. It's got all the mechanics of a real board game, but eliminates anything fun or challenging like trivia or strategy.

Or, better yet, why don't you make a game that's entirely up to chance—based on a card you draw rather than the roll of a die—and then gay it up a whole bunch? Seriously, this game created just about the entirety of Rosie O'Donnell's male fan base. Yeah, I played it. And you know what? I enjoy a frilly mixed drink every now and again. I don't think that's a coincidence.

 

I enjoy being bored


Your perfect board game is

CHESS

You know, chess would be great if people didn't take it so damn seriously. Taking 15 minutes between moves is just fucking ridiculous. I play games so I'm not bored, not so I can be bored while you sit there and try to figure out if you're going to castle up or some shit. Just move your pawn out there and be done with it. Get over yourselves, chess people. Computers are better than you anyway. Just have fun already.

 

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