The 7 Most Shameful Abuses of Bacon
Bacon is arguably the most cherished food in America (try to name a single entree in which bacon has never made a guest appearance). Bacon's popularity has led to several crossover products that are not food, and without exception, all of these products are terrible.
For just $5, you can buy a tin of bacon-shaped bandages to stick on your face wounds and make absolutely certain that no one will come anywhere near you for fear of contracting a flesh-eating virus. We assume the free prize is E. coli.
Mmmvelopes are envelopes with bacon-flavored adhesive apparently for people who are so fat, they literally cannot abide putting anything in their mouths that doesn't taste like congestive heart failure. Also, meat-seasoned correspondence usually contains a cut-and-pasted note from a serial killer taunting police with a time-sensitive riddle about his next victim.
Bacon Shaving Cream and Cologne
For every guy who has ever wanted to go on a date or job interview smelling like he spent the morning slaughtering a pig, bacon-scented shaving cream and cologne can make that dream a terrifying reality. The website for the former asserts that "nothing is more powerful or captivating than the smell of bacon," which is true, albeit for reasons that have less to do with personal success and more to do with America's Most Wanted.
If you've managed to convince yourself to approach a woman while wearing bacon cologne, you might as well hand her a bouquet of bacon-scented artificial roses, because there is truly no finer gesture than the one that says, "I was going to get you real roses, but looking at you reminds me of pigs."
Bacon-Themed Magnetic Poetry
You may recognize Magnetic Poetry as the bullshit that crowds your refrigerator like the shredded cargo manifesto of a wealthy human trafficker but can't actually keep any Papa John's coupons from falling on the floor. Well, now you can buy the bacon-themed set and leave hilarious bacon haikus to delight your perpetually empty apartment! Also, with words like "dripping," "belly," "meat," "crave," "crisp," "satisfy," and "she," the "bacon-themed" set could be used to draft the most horrifying sentence in the history of the English language (see "perpetually empty apartment," above).
One of the worst things about soap is that it doesn't leave you feeling like you've spent the day rolling around in an offal gutter down at the local meat-packing plant. No longer, friends -- Bacon Soap gives you the refreshing zest of bathing in lunch while simultaneously defeating the entire purpose of cleaning yourself. We assume bulk orders come packaged with a can of lard for use as mustache wax and/or hair gel.
Baconlube, "a delicious massage oil and personal lubricant," is unfortunately exactly what it sounds like -- a bottle of pork-flavored sex gloop. If your response to this information is anything other than your genitals shriveling up in terrified confusion, you have stumbled across this article as the result of a completely unironic Google search and are probably listening to "Goodbye Horses" on your headphones to drown out the squeal of the bone saw in the next room.
... and for your victims, a bacon coffin!
The lube started off as an April Fools' joke on manufacturer J&D's website, but after sufficient demand (and an unofficial waiting list of over 3,000 eager customers), it became a real product. We hope that a significant portion of this demographic was comprised of people who wanted to buy Baconlube as a gag gift for friends or to keep on a shelf as a goof, but odds are there's at least one couple out there planning an evening around the cologne, rose, and lube trifecta. And they probably both have diabetes.
You can read more from Mark, including his proposal for bacon-flavored lettuce, at his personal website.