The 4 Most Badass Ways Anyone Has Taken on a Deadly Animal
Let's face it -- when paired one-on-one against other apex predators of the animal kingdom, human beings are basically walking, talking ravioli filled with blood and incompetence. But every now and again, the state of nature takes a personal day, allowing soft, delicious humans to somehow best their animal opponents. Here's a few of those strange times.
Grandmother Debates Throat-Punching a Wolf
Aishat Maksudova (which we're pretty sure translates to "She-Liam Femme-Neeson") shot to fame after she beat a wolf to death at the spry age of 56. Upon seeing 50 pounds of gaping maw try to turn her leg into the first stages of lupine poop, the Russian grandmother, in her own words, "was not even frightened." Think about that the next time you wig out after spotting a daddy longlegs in the bathtub.
"You think you're hardcore, wolf? Try spending 50 years in goddamn Russia."
According to Maksudova, she tried to lift her arm with the intention of ramming it straight down the wolf's throat, but she couldn't because the wolf was already gnawing on it. So she did the next most viable thing and clubbed the hell out of it with an ax she had on hand.
If there were a Heisman Trophy for wolf fights, the statuette would be posed like this.
Hold on, Aishat. Hitting the wolf with an ax was your second choice? You must have known that having the words "DIED TRYING TO PUNCH A WOLF STRAIGHT IN THE SCREAM SECTOR" carved onto your tombstone guarantees you V.I.P. entry into Valhalla.
Man Bites Python
Back in 2009, Kenyan farmhand Ben Nyaumbe was attacked by a 13-foot-long phallic metaphor after he accidentally stepped on it. The snake, knowing that it was big enough to do whatever the fuck it wanted, dragged Nyaumbe into a tree and squeezed him -- for three hours.
Nyaumbe first removed his shirt and attempted to smother the serpent, but he abandoned this plan when he realized that the snake was so consumed with murder that it had transcended the mortal need for oxygen. At this critical juncture, Nyaumbe decided to bite the beast instead, because "an eye for an eye" is the only blood-scrawled amendment on the constitution of the animal kingdom.
Violence is the only acceptable filibuster in python jurisprudence.
Somewhere between trying to asphyxiate the reptile and nibbling it into an early grave, Nyaumbe used his cellphone to call local police, who helped free the poor-yet-mighty bastard. Fortunately for Nyaumbe, this was the most trusting police force in the history of the world, as we can't name any cops who would seriously entertain the complaint "HELP I'M BEING KIDNAPPED BY A SNAKE." (Any good police officer knows that snakes only deal crack cocaine.)
Chainsaw Versus Mountain Lion
In 2009, Dustin Britton was cutting wood in a Wyoming forest when an extremely hungry mountain lion began staring him down. Realizing that his wife and children were close by, Britton ran for a clearing, where things became extremely metal.
You see, Britton was cutting wood with 3,000 revolutions per minute of spinning death. So when the mountain lion attempted to eat Britton's throat, he scored a long gash on the cat's shoulder, which incredibly did not kill the animal. No, the mountain lion was later shot by animal control, its life essence kept aflicker only by its burning hatred of power tools.
That there's a chyron you tell the grandchildren about.
Man Wrestles Shark Out of the Surf
In 2001, 8-year-old Jessie Arbogast was attacked by a 7-foot-long bull shark that tore off his arm. This sucked -- for the shark. How come? Because Arbogast was visiting the Pensacola, Florida, shore with the very personification of man's contempt for nature, his uncle, Vance Flosenzier.
Seen here in a rare moment of not punching something.
Noticing the commotion in the water, Flosenzier immediately set about grappling the shark out of the ocean, because A) the shark still held Arbogast's dismembered arm and B) the law of the wild dictates that when a shark attacks a child, it loses its legal right to fight on its home turf.
Gripping the shark's tail, Flosenzier laid it out on the shark-smothering beach so the fish could meditate on how its biological imperatives completely screwed the pooch this time. Also, Arbogast's arm was successfully reattached, as medical science knows better than to waste the time and efforts of a man who wrestles sharks.
"Anyone who needs a boat to fight sharks is a pussy."