Red Bull's Class Action Lawsuit and 6 Other Internet Lies
Right now, 65 percent of Americans are scared shitless that they'll get Ebola. Or 40 percent, or 19 percent, depending on which bullshit poll you're paying attention to -- geez, it's almost as if the news is blatantly exaggerating this situation just for clicks! But the Fourth Estate would never sink so low, right?
Actually, it already has. As our infinity-part series continues to point out, certain news sites remain at a steady 100 percent in terms of being completely up their own asses. That's how everyone you know ends up sharing bogus headlines like ...
Science Didn't Just Create a Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak
A couple times a year, news sites will start dusting off their best Harry Potter references to announce that, finally, science has discovered the key to total invisibility. Of course, it's always bull- HOLY SHIT THEY DID IT! THEY REALLY DID IT THIS TIME!
"Eat shit, magic!" -Science
An invisible Harry Potter cloak that, according to The Guardian, Fox, and Time costs only, like, a hundred bucks? That's it: prepare to start showering with your clothes on, ladies. With that kind of power, our economy and societal structure as we know it is surely about to collapse! Unless, of course, they're speaking in a ridiculously hyperbolic manner about some minor scientific achievement? You know, like the last time, or the time before that, or the time before that, and so on?
Yep. The secret is no more exciting than a series of lenses that bend light in such a way to allow a very thin beam in between, which looks like this:
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a high school science lab." -Arthur C. Clarke
That green beam is the light being warped through the lens, and the arrow is pointing to the location where the beam is at its most compact. So how does it create invisibility? It doesn't. At all. Because the light has to pass by somewhere. And so the illusion works only if there's some kind of small gap in the object to fit that beam:
See how it goes black when the hand passes by the beam? That's why the only place this amazing magic invisibility cloak actually belongs is a children's science museum and not some wing at the Pentagon.
There's Zero Proof That a Mom Brought Vagina Cookies to School
The Internet loves stories about those crazy feminists and their wacky ideas, like extra-flammable bras or equal respect and opportunity for all people regardless of gender (LOL!). Take this headline for example, passed along by BuzzFeed, HuffPost, SF Gate, Elite Daily, and our friends over at The Daily Mail:
"No one complained when I brought corn dogs. Hypocrites."
As the story goes, a hardcore feminist mother had a heated exchange with a teacher that refused to serve her homemade vag-themed cookies to the class. Disgusting! Anyway, where can we see these things, and does this lady make deliveries? The answers to these questions are "nowhere" and "no, because she probably doesn't exist"; the "photo" the headlines are promising is actually a screengrab of an (easily faked) email and not of the pastries themselves, forcing editors of the world to desperately Google "vagina cookie" in hopes of finding a stock photo and not some life-scarring pornography.
How come? Because this entire story comes from a Reddit poster talking about a friend who this supposedly happened to. The only proof given was a few screenshots from an outrageous email that makes the story even more unfeasible with every sentence.
We're glad this angry feminist stereotype is taking a stand against cliches.
We're not saying this definitely didn't happen (maybe a mom brought cat-themed cookies and the story morphed to its current state in a game of telephone), but come on, people -- when did the international media replace summer camp as the biggest repository of shaky "friend of a friend" anecdotes?
Kim Jong Un Didn't Break His Ankles Because He's Too Fat
"Sources say a slide whistle accompanied the fall, and he farted for a full minute after."
Oh, it's one of these. For Express, Daily Caller, NY Daily News, and Telegraph it's the headline equivalent of "fatty fatty two-by-four" for the leader of North Korea, whose addiction to fine dairy and flashy footwear reportedly caused him to gain so much weight that his lower body just shattered under the pressure. The evidence? Why, a totally objective source from South Korea (the Bugs Bunny to the North's Elmer Fudd), whose quote begins with the phrase "I heard that ..." In other words, a more accurate way to phrase all those headlines would have been "Random Person Thinks Kim Jong Un Is a Teetering Flab Sandwich, Probably."
And while he eventually did appear walking around with a cane, keen observers noticed that he'd actually lost weight, contradicting the "Jabba the Hutt with a Moe haircut" image these articles had been selling us. For fuck's sake, Internet, how many more times are you gonna make us defend freaking North Korea against slander? We're starting to feel dirty.
Beer Is Good for Your Brain ... as Long as You're a Lab Mouse
All right, everyone line them up. Ready? Set? ... Waterfall!
"We're very excited about these results," said the head of the study, "and you're my best friend and I love you."
Hooray! Science says that beer you're funnel-chugging into your anus right now is actually good for you! The bros have it! Alcoholism is fixed! Right? Otherwise Metro, Elite Daily, HuffPost, and freaking CNN would be wildly irresponsible to imply that something that kills 75,000 people per year is a wonder-drink for the sake of getting a few clicks. Man ... we know this is an article about bullshit news stories and all, but is it too much to ask that this one is real?
Yeah -- the "beer" being discussed is a chemical in hops, and the scientists went far out of their way to make it clear that doing keg stands isn't going to Lawnmower Man you into being a genius. But, of course, none of those facts are interesting, so instead of outright lying, CNN added the word "may" to their headline to not feel like a bunch of hacks.
Hey, that's a great trick, guys. Can we try it?
There Isn't a Tinder-Related Security Problem at Buckingham Palace
Looks like the queen's casa has officially become Fuckingham Palace now that Tinder turned the stronghold into the extended scenes from Caligula:
Palace guards keep all types of kinky shit under those hats.
By the third nipple of Prince Harry! According to NY Mag, Perez Hilton, Independent, Entertainment Wise, Yahoo, MTV, HuffPost, and E Online, the queen herself is livid because Buckingham Goddamn Palace's security is being compromised by a casual-fuck app and the influx of nighttime visitors it has brought. This unsourced report was more or less confirmed by ... uh, a guy who hasn't worked at the palace for years.
Meanwhile, according to a Daily Beast interview with an actual palace aide, none of the live-in staff is allowed to bring guests in the palace, and the "security threat" is actually completely made up. But by who?
The Daily Mail?! No. It can't be. We're shocked that a perverse, homophobic, racist publication that employs plagiarists and climate-change deniers to fill their greasy trough of tabloid headlines would betray the public trust like this (for the 299th time this year). We need to sit down for a moment.
That 1912 Brothel Menu Is Quite Obviously Fake
Speaking of people fucking on velvet couches, we're guessing that at least half of you have gotten this next one posted in your Facebook feed by a college friend or terrifying uncle:
Mainly, "Who's dumb enough to fall for this shit?"
So, uh, why were people so desperate to get out of Europe back then, again? Was the rampant sex stank stinging at the eyes and throats really that bad? The menu in question has been reported on by places like Uproxx, BuzzFeed, and The Frisky and features such items as "dog fashion" and "maid to rub your tool." It also prices everything with U.S. dollars despite supposedly being from a London brothel in 1912 ...
"I'm a little short; do you guys got, like, a dollar menu?"
Also, despite being on the Internet since at least 2010, there is zero historical source for this menu. It's almost as if someone just-
Wait. Why would they have a discount for cash in 1912? Is the brothel taking a lot of checks? That sure sounds like modern English, as do phrases and spellings like "parlors," "ass hole," and "jerk off" -- at least according to one historical linguist who looked the menu over and concluded that not only was the language completely off but painfully written to sound old-timey. But other than that, or the currency being all wrong, or the brothel being run by "Mrs. F.A. Tasse," or ... you know ... the fact that it's a random and unsourced photo on the Internet, we can totally see why everyone fell for this one.
Red Bull Isn't Getting Sued for Claiming to Give You Wings
America's main export isn't machinery or electronics: it's hilarious "frivolous lawsuit" stories that the rest of the world can laugh at while hunting dogs to eat or something. Here's the latest and greatest one:
It turns out it isn't even made from bull blood.
You're looking at NBC News, Telegraph, ABC News, HuffPost, New Zealand Herald, and USA Today all having a good laugh/facepalm over a man who sued Red Bull because it doesn't actually give people wings ... and won! How could that be? Is the judicial system made up entirely of Forrest Gumps and Drax the Destroyers? We could investigate this further, but instead we'll just quit here and make this a meme for the next 20 years, like that McDonald's coffee lawsuit lady (who actually did get seriously hurt).
We just Googled pictures of her wounds, and now we want to sue McDonald's for the emotional distress, too.
Just kidding. It turns out the actual Red Bull lawsuit has nothing to do with growing physical wings out of your body -- it claims that the slogan is a part of a larger false marketing campaign where the energy drink promises a higher physical performance, as opposed to just being another caffeinated beverage. So, where did that other stuff come from? When Snopes traced it back, they found the reason everyone is attributing the lawsuit solely to the power of flight is because most news organizations simply chose to ignore the real story to make the news more interesting. And isn't that what journalism is all about?
No, seriously, we're asking. At this point, we don't even know.
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For more B.S. news you probably believed, check out 6 B.S. News Stories That Went Viral: The Girl With Three Boobs and 5 B.S. Stories That Went Viral: Anti-Roofie Nail Polish.