You know that guy who feels the need to describe a joke and just destroys any semblance of humor while doing so? Well, he grew up to write children's books based on Three Stooges shorts.

Found at Your Local Library: The Three Stooges Book

The inspiration for this one is A Gem of a Jam, where the Stooges do a job horribly and then beat the shit out of each other for 20 minutes. You know the one.

If this were a comic book, it might actually work, since almost everything about the Stooges is physical and visual. But no. The best this book can do is produce a few still frames from the short and text descriptions of literally everything else. Here's an excerpt, let us know how much you guffaw:

Found at Your Local Library: The Three Stooges Book

Isn't that so much more satisfying than seeing Curly's head get stuck in a goldfish bowl? Even better is later on, when the author renders all of his trademark cries in text: "'Woo-woo-woo-woo!' Curly cried." Pure poetry.

Or, "Nyah-ah-ah!" underneath a big stock photo of Curly, in case you forgot who you were reading about. By the way, it's "Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk," but that's OK. That line was a whole 14 pages in. That's probably how many pages the author wrote before realizing that this was a massive waste of time that should not be pursued further.

Found at Your Local Library: The Three Stooges Book

Sweet, looks like we're wrong. He wrote five more of these things. Let this be motivation to everyone struggling to publish a book of their own. Clearly, there's people out there who will literally publish anything. You just have to find them.

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