Found at Your Local Library: The Three Stooges Book
You know that guy who feels the need to describe a joke and just destroys any semblance of humor while doing so? Well, he grew up to write children's books based on Three Stooges shorts.
The inspiration for this one is A Gem of a Jam, where the Stooges do a job horribly and then beat the shit out of each other for 20 minutes. You know the one.
If this were a comic book, it might actually work, since almost everything about the Stooges is physical and visual. But no. The best this book can do is produce a few still frames from the short and text descriptions of literally everything else. Here's an excerpt, let us know how much you guffaw:
Isn't that so much more satisfying than seeing Curly's head get stuck in a goldfish bowl? Even better is later on, when the author renders all of his trademark cries in text: "'Woo-woo-woo-woo!' Curly cried." Pure poetry.
Or, "Nyah-ah-ah!" underneath a big stock photo of Curly, in case you forgot who you were reading about. By the way, it's "Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk," but that's OK. That line was a whole 14 pages in. That's probably how many pages the author wrote before realizing that this was a massive waste of time that should not be pursued further.
Sweet, looks like we're wrong. He wrote five more of these things. Let this be motivation to everyone struggling to publish a book of their own. Clearly, there's people out there who will literally publish anything. You just have to find them.