Election's Top Issue: Whether or Not to Eat Wang-Shaped Food
Mitt Romney just made the shrewdest move of the entire campaign so far. You probably heard about his highly publicized trip to a Chipotle, where he took the kind of picture that wins our hearts, if not elections ...
Yep, that's a Chipotle!
But in the arms-race-like frenzy to win the "Crazy-Eyed Chipotle Guy" meme ...
The winner, for the record.
... people seem to have missed the strategic masterstroke found in this quote from Romney:
"I usually get the burrito. I think I'll go for the bowl today. That's a good idea."
Holy shit, Mitt, stop being modest. That's not a "good" idea, it's a great idea. In fact, it's an idea that helped Mitt Romney just narrowly avoid a campaign trail disaster that has befallen so many politicians before. We're speaking, of course, about eating food that kind of looks like a dick.
For example, Barack Obama eats more hot dogs ...
... than any public figure since Babe Ruth ...
... and the results are rarely flattering ...
In this age of smartphones, you just have to accept that cameras are everywhere, and if you eat food that looks like penis, someone is going to take a highly Photoshoppable picture that turns into a meme before you know it.
Here's a fun game. Plug the name of your favorite politician followed by the word "eating" into Google and then hit the space bar and let auto-complete do the rest. Chances are you're going to get a picture of someone eating something in the most embarrassing of all poses.
Take Rick Santorum, for example. When you follow the above steps for his name, this happens:
And the resulting search yields this porn-tastic snapshot:
Here are a couple more, because this is super fun:
Say whatever else you will about him, but by simply opting to cut a few carbs and go with a bowl instead of the burrito, Mitt Romney just avoided adding a devastating layer of embarrassment to what was an otherwise adorable moment. You don't come away from looking at the picture of Mitt standing next to that crazy-eyed Robert Horry lookalike without feeling at least a little bit better about him not being a soulless robot.
Sure, he'll probably buy that Chipotle, fire all the employees and rehire them (but only after stripping everyone of their employee discount) once this election jazz is all over with. But for right now, Mitt Romney seems a little less terrifying.
But understand, what's happening in that Chipotle picture is a fragile balance. Mitt Romney seems like he's a part of this joke, not the subject of it. But just barely. Add an embarrassing shot of him deep-throating a burrito into the mix and this entire scene just becomes one more ridiculous moment in what's already become a fairly strange campaign.
Was it some kind of gut instinct that led Mitt Romney to order that bowl, or have the people who run political campaigns just made a ban on dick-shaped food an industry standard type of thing? We'll probably never know, but either way, we give credit where it's due and commend Mitt Romney for not falling victim to the curse of the phallus food picture. Again.
For more election fun, follow @Cracked on Twitter and join us at 6 p.m. PT as we live tweet the first 2012 presidential debate. All your friends will be there! Don't miss it!