6 Futuristic Products for the Biggest Asshole at a Party
Parties can be ruined by a wide variety of things, like the police showing up, a bad DJ, or a raccoon infestation, but most commonly it's a little something known as That Guy. For centuries, That Guys (and Girls) around the world have worked tirelessly to come up with ways to make themselves the center of everyone's attention -- we're pretty sure that's how the acoustic guitar was invented in the first place.
However, this is 2014, and the old techniques don't cut it anymore. As a result, an entire industry seems to have popped up to help you become That Guy. Whatever you do, don't show up somewhere wearing ...
Clothes That Light Up in Sync With Music
Remember the last time you thought light-up clothing was cool? It was kindergarten, otherwise known as the only point in a human lifespan when wearing shoes with blinky lights is socially acceptable. Well, guess what, motherfuckers: the blinky lights are back, and now they're EVERYWHERE.
This GIF isn't shaky; that's you having a seizure.
A company called Crated has come up with a flexible circuit board that doubles as a shirt and controls LEDs that will sync to the music playing around you. Yes, somehow we have gone from making fun of Tron Guy to wanting to look like him in night clubs. If this sounds cool to you for a moment, please try to imagine having a conversation with someone in a club while his or her shirt puts on a Pink Floyd-esque light show to the sound of Skrillex. No telling what happens if someone "accidentally" spills a drink on the poor, debased soul wearing one of these, but hopefully it's not electrocution (or not deadly electrocution, anyway).
Philips Research has gotten in on this too, with a snazzy new fashion accessory called the Mesopic light jacket. This one makes you look like Eminem pretending to be a Christmas tree.
Spoilers for his upcoming NBC Holiday special.
A Sound System You Carry on Your Back
We'll just get this out of the way now: headphones were invented for a reason, and that reason is no one likes your shitty music. The number of people who want to hear the crazy guy in the back of the subway blasting his Staind collection out of a gold-encrusted wireless iPhone speaker is always one, counting him. Luckily for that guy, we live in an age where using science for making big, wearable speakers is not punishable by law (that won't happen until the Reggaeton Wars of 2025). Hence, this:
Oh, so a jet pack is too complicated, but this shit gets made.
That is a backpack speaker set, which is exactly what it sounds like. Got kicked out of the club for being an obnoxious douchebag? Now you can bring the terrible party out to the streets with you! Who the hell invented this thing, will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas? Well ...
"You rang? Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of the speaker I am wearing."
So how do you charge this monster? Through your jacket, obviously. Like, just by touching the jacket, because magnets and shit. Either will.i.am was deeply, deeply stoned when he did that interview, or he actually comes from the future. Please note that if you combine this thing with those drum pants we told you about earlier, there will never be another moment in your life when people aren't punching you.
The backpack speakers are set to be released in time for the holidays. Let's do everything possible to make sure carolers don't find out about them.
A Fancy Vibrator You Wear Like a Necklace
Look, we're no prudes: if you want to leave your sex toys on the mantelpiece instead of hiding them deep inside a drawer like our grandparents did, more power to you. Wearing them around your neck at a party might be a little too much, though.
Unless it's the kind of party where that is all you're wearing.
At first glance, you'd think this was an artistic glow stick for grown-ups or something, but nope: that's a fancy sex toy you can buy today. Because there's nothing classier than letting people know that an item of clothing has been inside your orifices (hey, at least you're letting them know which item).
Luxury sex toy company Crave developed the Vesper with the explicit purpose of being worn in public. They claim that your sex toys shouldn't look goofy, they should look sleek and like a bullet meant for killing werewolves, apparently. Other practical benefits include a stainless steel design that prevents bacteria from building up and the ability to be charged by USB -- which, when you think about it, means you're only one step removed from fucking your computer.
Please perform a McAfee scan before "plugging" this.
A Wrist Drone That Takes Selfies
We've hit that point, ladies and gentlemen. Drones are no longer just for military surveillance or delivering packages, you can now wear them. This mini-drone, called Nixie, can be worn like a watch until you command it to fly off, like a winged monkey. A winged monkey that follows you around and takes photos of your smug face.
It's basically like having Soundwave's shittiest minion.
Nixie's sole application is taking pictures from angles that you couldn't get yourself -- pretty convenient for snapping selfies while climbing a mountain or getting a closer look at that weird mole on your butt. While this is actually a pretty cool invention for people who do awesome things (and people who sit at home watching those people), we shudder at the thought of self-obsessed jackasses everywhere having access to a tiny flying robot recording their every move. Every party would look like an alien invasion from a dwarf planet.
Of course, there's also the existential dilemma this thing creates: is it really a "selfie" if it's actually being taken by your robotic slave? This is how the uprising begins, people.
"One more picture of someone with orange skin and I'm going Skynet."
Inflatable Clothes That Show How Drunk You Are
Ever wanted to know if your friend was lying when he claimed to have done "like, 10 shots just now, bro"? Well, thanks to Metamorphosis, you might just be able to tell. At a hackathon in South Korea, developers produced a shirt and a jacket that inflate based on how much alcohol a person has imbibed. And it looks hilarious.
If you drink a full keg, you just fly away.
The more you drink, the more those sleeves will inflate like goofy water wings. The objective, according to the inventors, is to signal that the wearer is "ready to talk frankly." It's up to you if you want to take that as a cue to have a heart to heart or step away because you're about to get puked on. It works by measuring the alcohol level in your blood, although the official website doesn't specify exactly how -- maybe there's a hidden microphone that detects how many Beyonce lyrics you've drunkenly butchered?
This is just the female version, mind you: the completely different men's version includes a collar that rises higher depending on how much alcohol it detects on your breath. Eventually it just covers your mouth completely, forcing you to continue drinking through the old "straw in the nose" method.
Preliminary tests with vampire fraternities were wildly successful.
A Device That Makes Fake Calls to Your Phone
Ever been in a lame social gathering and wished a friend would call you, only you have no friends because you're an awful person? Then Dorothy was made for you. This revolutionary, Wizard of Oz-inspired invention allows you to automatically get a fake call on your phone just by clicking your heels.
"We're not in Kansas anymore (because the DJ sucked and the beer was expensive)."
Dorothy works through a small Bluetooth device called Ruby, which when tapped three times will make you get a call you just have to take. The call can come from a fake contact you set up in your phone (like "Mom" or "President Obama"), providing an easy excuse to have to get up and leave for a minute, and then for several minutes, and then never see the other person again for the rest of your life. Your date won't shut up about what really happened on 9/11? Dorothy can help you! Standing at the altar and having second thoughts? Ruby to the rescue!
What would Maxwell Smart say if he knew what we're doing with his technology?
But as convenient/mean as that sounds, depending on who you are in that situation, the folks behind Dorothy are looking into taking it a step further. They're currently in talks with Uber to connect the two services so that you can make a totally clean getaway. If you click your heels, step into the street while flipping off your date, and aren't immediately grabbed by an Uber driver on a motorcycle, demand your money back.
For more futuristic lunacy, check out 5 Wearable Tech Items Designed for Assholes.