5 News Stories That Are Basically Horror Movie Plots
From time to time, the local news coughs up a story that's basically the opening 20 minutes of a horror movie -- in other words, the portion of the film between the opening credits and the scene where the doomed, 38-year-old high school cheerleader goes skinny-dipping.
Here are five tales from 2013 that are destined to someday be slapped with a screamingly obnoxious "BASED ON TRUE EVENTS" tag line.
20,000 Bees Invade Elderly Lady's House Unnoticed
From outward appearances, 98-year-old Sevia Moore was living a nice, quiet life in her lovely home in Cocoa Beach, Florida. Her only issue was that she seemed to have an abundance of pesky, freeloading rodents in her house, so a group of wildlife trappers were called to evict them.
When they got there, the crew also uncovered 20,000-plus bees in the attic, making the shit ton of squirrels and rats the least of her problems.
A definite buzz kill for all parties involved.
That's right, Moore had one-tenth of the plot of Candyman living in her attic. The workers suspect that the bees had been occupying her attic for a year while the squirrels and rodents had been having a field day feasting on honeycombs. No one was more surprised by the discovery than the house's occupant, who said she didn't even hear them buzzing.
"Buzzing? I thought the kids called that 'tweetering' nowadays."
"Vampire" Cemetery Discovered in Poland
Crews were building a road in Gliwice, Poland, when they made a frightful discovery: four very old skeletons buried with their heads severed and placed between their knees.
Basically the same position assumed after a heavy night of drinking.
When archaeologists inspected the area, they found a total of 17 graves, all from the 15th and 16th centuries and decapitated with stones placed on the skeletons, which was how vampires were buried during that time period because people actually believed they might come back to life otherwise.
To make matters even more macabre, archaeologists presume all the people were executed because the burial site was located next to what used to be gallows. This just shows how far we've come as a society where, instead of fearing vampires, we just make nauseating erotic fan-fiction about them.
"Ugh, they should bury whoever wrote this with their hands severed so they can't come back and write more."
4,000-year-old Brain Found Boiled Inside of Skull
Since we as humans obviously love finding old scary shit, scientists recently uncovered a 4,000-year-old skull, with the brain hard-boiled inside of it.
"Disgusting ... everyone knows you soft-boil those." -Hannibal Lecter
It now holds the proud title of being one of the oldest human brains to be found, located in a settlement from the Bronze Age in Turkey. Scientists theorize that an earthquake and a fire led to the brain being cooked, and when the chemicals in the soil met with the brain tissue it created corpse wax, which is a real thing and not an item from Ed Gein's home candle collection. The corpse wax added a helpful little coating around the brain that preserved it in perfect condition. Lucky us!
Human Duct-taped Leg Found in East River
When police responded to a report of a human body floating in Queen's East River, they arrived to find just a leg, floating with some duct-tape adhered to it, which might possibly be even more disturbing than finding a whole body. No other parts were found in the area, leading us to propose "a low-rent version of Frankenstein made out of duct-tape, hopping around on one foot" as the least-depressing possible explanation.
"It came off when I tried to switch things up by kicking kids instead of tossing them."
Cable Installer Finds Mystery Skeleton in Basement
A cable guy was going about a routine installation job, probably just getting ready to finish up after a long day, when he discovered some creature's bones resting in the crawl space, looking like Fred Flintstone's breakfast.
Kind of makes you feel stupid for being scared of those spiders in your crawl space, doesn't it?
Instead of burning down the house immediately, the owner was kind enough to take pictures of the demon bones for everyone's viewing pleasure and to perhaps get some answers. Unfortunately, details surrounding it remain a mystery but one thing's for certain: Daenerys Targaryen is going to be so pissed when she finds out one of her dragons is dead in a crawl space.