4 Reasons This One Kickstarter Proves Humanity Is Doomed
Last week, a softcore Nazi anime porn card game called Barbarossa debuted on Kickstarter, because some maniac courageously dared to ask "What if the Germans had invaded the Soviet Union with breasts instead of tanks?"
Yes, that's what will defeat the Russian winter this time around. Less clothes.
The game is "set in a fictional Second World War setting in which cute German military girls rush against Moscow to defeat the evil magician Stalin." Basically, it's a reimagining of World War II if everyone involved was an absurdly sexualized anime girl. Also, you play as the Nazis. Here's Hitler (dubbed "Li'l Fuhrer," because historical context so often takes the fun right out of desperate erections):
"Mein kampf is trying to squeeze into this top."
Uh, so, what else is there to say about this game?
It Was 100 Percent funded in Three Hours
Barbarossa achieved its funding goal of $10,000 within three hours of being posted. Not even children's cancer research can match that pace. There's somebody out there right now waiting for enough donations to trickle in to cover a life-saving operation, but the Internet, in its vast wisdom, has decided that jiggly upskirt warfare was in more immediate need of philanthropy. The highest allowable donation level of $200 (which is not a trivial amount of money for the majority of human beings) is maxed out. Barbarossa literally received so many $200 donations that the creators had to tell people to stop. It's not just that lots of people want to see this game get made: Those people couldn't wait to give hundreds of dollars of their money to see this project brought to shameful life.
"With a pitch video this good, how could you not?"
To Reiterate, You Play as the Nazis
In case it wasn't clear from the description or the selection of lustily drawn Aryan supergirls, the heroes of this game are the ass-kicking, boner-dispensing warrior women of the Third Reich.
So, you get to roleplay as Li'l Hitler in her sexy quest for global domination. We worry that this game won't be sensitive in its portrayal of the Holocaust.
But isn't Japanese animation less racially pure than, say, Bullwinkle?
Related: No, George Soros Wasn't A Nazi
It was too insane for Japan
Barbarossa was actually released in Japan a few years ago, but is now out of print. This new Kickstarter campaign (which, again, reached its funding goal of $10,000 in three hours and still has weeks to go) is to merely translate the game into English and bring it to the States. That's right -- rather than reprint the game once it sold out, this idea was so insane that Japan said, "You know, maybe we'd better just put this World War II-themed masturbation aid quietly to bed and allow the world to continue, untainted by the knowledge that it ever existed."
"We tried burning it, to send it to hell, but it would just instantly reappear."
Not so fast, Japan. For even though you tried to cast Barbarossa off of a cliff, Kickstarter has swooped in like a Phoenix wrought from carpal tunnel gloves and Mountain Dew energy drinks to rescue it from the pile of obscure novelty oblivion on which it deserved to remain for all eternity. But in fairness, what student of history wouldn't want to command a battalion of giant breasts struggling mightily against both Archmagus Stalin and the woefully inadequate buttons on their Nazi uniforms?
Someone Is Going to Have to Explain This to at Least One War Veteran
Operation Barbarossa is the actual code name the Nazis gave to their Eastern European invasion. So there's a chance one or two totally unsuspecting war veterans/Holocaust survivors are going to accidentally stumble upon this game during an otherwise unrelated Google search.
"I took shrapnel to the ass so you could do this?"
Anyone who cut a $200 check just for the privilege of hiding Barbarossa in their closet whenever company comes over should be required to travel back in time and explain the game to our grandfathers:
"Here is how the future will remember your sacrifice. You were probably expecting people to raise money for a monument or something. But no -- three generations from now, more young people will donate their paychecks to Operation History-Tits than to any World War II veterans' fund. This is your war memorial. You're all Nazi schoolgirls, and none of you are wearing pants."
"He's had PTSD for longer than you've been alive, *tee-hee*!"
The project's Kickstarter success will undoubtedly pave the way for inevitable expansion sets, such as DD-Day and Omaha Beach Volleyball.