4 Idiotically Easy Ways People Faked Their Own Identities
Most movies depict impostors as sly, Talented Mr. Ripley-style masterminds whose charisma and wits surpass their victims' tenfold. Hollywood drills into us that identity theft requires genius and countless hours of planning. It's not like any random jackass can just show up, pretend to be someone else, and fool everyone without making any effort, right?
The following four impostors -- two of whom are underage, and all of whom are spectacularly half-assed -- say otherwise.
Teen Claims to Be Walmart Manager, Walks Off With $30,000
For most people, getting fired from a Walmart is a bittersweet moment -- bitter because you've lost a means of income, and sweet because you don't work at Walmart anymore. For one 17-year-old from Oklahoma, it was an opportunity to show up at another Walmart in his old uniform, go to work at the register, and walk off with $3,000. Noticing that nobody even questioned who he was, he dared to dream bigger: He went to a second Walmart, claimed to be "a manager from another store," and asked to "inspect" their money.
"He was acting like an entitled dick, so none of us questioned him being Walmart management."
And that's when they caught him? Nope! The teenager managed to infiltrate the cash office of that Walmart and then a third one, stuffing his pockets with bundles of cash for a total of almost $30,000. He even hugged the manager on his way out of one of the stores before the security cameras caught him on the next one. (We're guessing that manager didn't notice anything because he was actually two 10-year-olds standing on top of each other.)
Random Dude Pretends to Be Town's Mayor on Twitter, People Believe Him
In a pretty amazing illustration of just how few shits people give about local government, the town of Stafford in England recently appointed James Billington as their new mayor, celebrating him at baby-kissing meet and greets, as well as passing around supportive pins and inviting him to events. The only kink: No one actually elected him into office. He got the position by going into Twitter, registering @mayorofstafford, and saying, "Hey, I'm the mayor."
Luckily, @queenofengland was taken, or British law says he'd be crowned.
The hoax was discovered only when the mayor of another town filed a formal complaint with Stafford because his "colleague" compared him to General Zod on Twitter. Meanwhile, Stafford's actual mayor was admittedly a bit offended by what was either a show of political disinterest or evidence that none of her constituents noticed that she's a woman.
Kindergartner Spends Entire Day Pretending to Be a First Grader ... in Another School
When you're 5 years old and you get on the wrong bus and end up in an elementary school you've never been to, you have two options: A) cry and call for your mom or B) claim to be a new first grade student and see how long it takes for the adults to figure out you're full of shit. A little girl in upstate New York went for the second option, only to find out that at no point during the remainder of the day would anyone suspect that this adorable scamp was actually a kindergartner pulling a grade-A Keyser Soze on an entire building of teaching professionals, just for the fuck of it.
To be fair, she did write someone else's name on worksheets and such, which was apparently enough to throw off any suspicion.
"Then *poof* she's gone."
Unfortunately, the girl's actual school called her mother about the absence and the whole house of cards came crashing down before the "first grader" had a chance to con her way into a valedictorian spot.
Hilariously Bad TV Chef Gets Booked on Various Morning Shows
If Smell-O-Vision actually existed, local morning shows would be a wafty source of thick coffee-scented desperation and whatever debasement smells like. Having to chipperly rile audiences five days a week is a tough and thankless gig -- so it only seems fair that some hilarious jackass should take full advantage of that every once in a while.
Meet Keith Guerke, a five-time morning show guest of Wisconsin and Illinois promoting a book of recipes for stuff like a "ham, pie, and gravy smoothie" ... and making the hosts swallow the disgusting results.
"Shit, I forgot the creamed corn; let me get you another."
But Guerke (who compares his work to GG Allin's) is actually a total farce created by a couple of prank comedians. Their mission? To watch underpaid news jockeys eat disgusting bullshit on live TV and bear it through gnarled smiles. We're not sure what's more impressive: the complete lack of screening these shows apparently have, or the hosts' ability to refrain from groin-kicking someone who just made them drink gravy and pie.
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