4 Bafflingly Erotic Ads for Totally Unsexy Things
We're all familiar with the old adage "sex sells," and we're accustomed to living in a world where certain products -- such as beer, underwear, and cars -- are inevitably sold with a whiff of sexual innuendo.
But we've gone a little too far, because now we're getting more and more companies trying to use sex appeal to advertise products and services that have basically diddlysquat to do with diddling.
Coffin Company Markets Itself With Boobs
"It's what Grandma would have wanted."
The owner of Lindner Coffins has fended off accusations of tastelessness by claiming that he wanted to "show the beauty of Polish girls and the beauty of our coffins," and insisting that a coffin is "furniture, the last bed you'll ever sleep in." According to the calendar's (not safe for work) promo page, the 2014 theme is "nature, which we express with perfect harmony between Lindner coffins and natural wood."
He then elbow-nudged everyone in a 3-mile radius while saying, "Heh, get it, get it?"
No reports have yet been released indicating whether the calendar has increased sales of death boxes, but unless the Polish mortality rate suddenly plunges, we're not expecting much.
In Russia, a Woman Lusts After the Perfect Toilet Seat
Earlier this fall, residents of Kaliningrad, Russia, were treated to a surreal billboard for toilet seats that featured a beautiful woman in a sari staring provocatively at a white toilet with the heading, "I'm looking for a white friend."
"You're such a good listener. I really needed to vent this shit out."
The ad's perplexing racial connotations earned the billboard the bulk of the bad press, but everybody seemed to ignore the insinuation that the poor woman is some sort of scat fiend who must woo her commode before horribly betraying it.
Legal Firm Ropes in Clients With Sexy Attorneys
When you come to the point in your life that you desperately need a legal firm to help sort out your stupid ass, the first and only thing you're probably going to worry about is whether you'll have to sell your house to pay the stupendous legal fees. Not -- as these two lawyers in California would have you believe -- the gams you'll be flashed when you get served your court documents.
The USA Network has already optioned a pilot.
The pair of attorneys -- who run a practice delightfully called "The Law Offices of Lady Justice" -- have showcased their blessedly gifted bodies presumably to lure middle-aged schmos looking for legal help. We can't help but appreciate the "888-LADY-121" touch of their contact number or the sales hook of "You might be treated to an impromptu courthouse burlesque show as your children are taken away from you."
Thailand Has the Most Erotic Fertilizer Commercial
In what has to be the crowning achievement in fertilizer commercial history -- assuming this isn't the only contender in such a field -- a Thai company released perhaps the world's most inexplicably and unapologetically bonerland fertilizer ad a few months ago.
The video starts off with a lowly farmer working in his fields, when suddenly he turns his head ...
... and sees three comely visions flash into existence. The women begin dancing for him, as agriculture transforms women into sexual dynamos.
This is horseshit. Literal and figurative.
Our trio of manure fairies continues to entice the man until his tool can no longer stay underground. The women then disappear in a plume of semen-metaphor dirt, leaving him only a sack of fertilizer and a narrator to remind us that you too can hump a big bag of decomposition if you're horny enough.
"Anal anytime you want it!"
One can only presume the farmer moved to the city the following day in search of his beloved shit sirens, discontent with his simple life after the fecal miracles he'd witnessed.
The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter, too.