3 More News Stories The Media Pulled Out Of Their Asses
In an age where Fox News has a giant wall devoted to half-rendered Twitter farts, it's not too surprising to say that the bar for newsworthy sources has been set somewhere between drunken Facebook post and overheard street hobo ramblings.
And so, as we can't stop pointing out to you, it looks like at some point the biggest news sites in the world turned into that annoying guy at work who likes retelling half-read, fully-misunderstood news stories simply to have something to talk about. Well, the next time you're stuck with that guy, you can tell him that ...
Ariel Castro Didn't Die of Auto-erotic Asphyxiation
When word rang out of convicted sick-fuck Ariel Castro bailing out on his 1,000 years of imprisonment by way of suicide, America let out a resounding nod and carried on with their lives. But then we heard the juiciest part: He didn't actually mean to kill himself, he accidentally choked while "choking the chicken"! Delightful!
A biopic with Jason Biggs was fast-tracked immediately.
The erotic revelation, mentioned in a report issued by Ohio's authorities, led CNN to ask: "Did Ohio kidnapper Ariel Castro die in a sex act?" It's a fair question, answered the exact same day by CNN with a resounding "No." The report in question does mention the idea that he might have been having a choke-a-thon, but the coroner later confirmed that his pants had simply fallen off while he did himself in -- a moral victory for auto-erotic asphyxiation enthusiasts everywhere who didn't want to be associated with such human filth.
The Daughter of a Tax Embezzler Did Not Post a Picture of Herself Swimming in Money
Last week, several news websites fulfilled the knowledge-expanding role of the press by coining the phrase "cash-bath selfie" to describe Jeane Napoles, a Filipina twentysomething who posted Facebook pictures of herself bathing in money -- thus creating more tax evasion charges for her infamous family.
Facebook took down the pics of her on the toilet.
The controversy was picked up by sites like MSN.com and the Huffington Post, because who could resist the delicious irony in some spoiled socialite tanking her own luxurious existence? The only thing they didn't bother to check is what Jeane Napoles actually looks like:
But to be fair, this was hidden all the way in the profile picture of the same Facebook post.
Additionally, most people don't put stock photo watermarks on pictures of themselves. The picture wasn't even posted by the real Napoles, but by a hate page using her name. Yes, this was the equivalent of reporting that @RealObama69 tweeted "lol i pooped."
Obama Didn't Shut down the Amber Alert System and Doom Missing Children
While the government shutdown affected everything from army veterans to White House squirrels, the most shocking development had to be the fact that President Obama apparently also wants all the missing children in America to die alone and cold, according to that always impeccable source called "some angry guy on Twitter."
"Totally super-seriously legit, bros. What would I have to gain by making this up?" -Rep. Williams
The flurry of outraged RTs and favs over the government's child abduction Amber Alert webpage going offline during the shutdown led The Washington Examiner to claim that Obama will "use missing children to gain political points." Meanwhile, as the author of that article was typing that sentence with his fists, two Amber Alerts went off in Florida and Texas -- because the programs are ran by each state, and Obama couldn't shut them down if Satan and Karl Marx personally asked him to. Yes, believe it or not, organizations don't automatically stop existing if their website goes dark.
"ATTENTION CITIZENS: You may now deal out whatever Judge Dredd-style street justice you deem appropriate."