3 Celebrities Who Are Slowly Losing Their Minds on Twitter
For celebrities, Twitter can be a fantastic way to connect with enthusiastic fans and promote upcoming projects. It can also be a smashing means to showcase the fact that you are losing your mind, 140 characters at a time. Just who are we talking about?
Frankie Muniz Hates Scorpions
We all know what happened to Bryan Cranston when Malcolm in the Middle went off the air. But what about Malcolm himself, Frankie Muniz? You'd expect the former child star to be either swimming in a cornucopia of luxury narcotics or spending his millions indulging in arts and cultures. And that's exactly what's going on, if by "luxury narcotics" you mean "pastries" ...
"I did five lines of confectioners' sugar last night."
... and by "arts and cultures" you mean "scorpions." We're not kidding here -- Frankie Muniz is goddamn obsessed with scorpions. Sure, the guy lives in a warmer clime (Arizona), but the fact that he shouts his hatred of venomous arachnids from the Internet hills makes us think he was just a tiny, confused old man wearing a rubber mask for all those years:
"I just shot a car radio that was playing 'Rock You Like a Hurricane.'"
This is basically the plot of some yet-to-be-made art house thriller. Man retires at age 19 with $40 million in the bank, moves to desert, goes mad with boredom, and spends the rest of his days surviving on desserts and waging a one-man war on scorpions (some of which exist solely in his head). Seriously, if Muniz ends up squandering his savings on puddings, he's got the architecture of a comeback staring him straight in the face.
And look! His movie even has its soundtrack already.
Most Deranged Tweet:
This one from this past March, wherein Muniz manages to transcend his human frailties by combining his love of food with his hatred of scorpions.
"To know my enemy, I must make love to my enemy ..." -three months from now
Jim Carrey Is an Emoticon Existentialist
Over the decades, Jim Carrey's comedic stylings have gone from rubber-faced camera-mugging to channeling Andy Kaufman to somehow managing to date Jenny McCarthy for a few years for what we can only assume were performance art reasons.
But since discovering Twitter, America's favorite funny uncle has done less talking with his rectum and more spouting Krishnamurti-like wisdom over unnecessarily elaborate emoticons.
The overall effect is that of a bizarre spiritual fun house where the clowns are a little too grabby. The man formerly known as Ace Ventura also enjoys sharing his artwork with the world, albeit in Chiclet-sized screengrabs, because he's too paranoid that Twitter will steal his masterpieces.
"Uh, that's not tru-"
"Shut up. Maybe he'll go to Facebook."
Most Deranged Tweet:
Like any funny uncle, it's all over the moment he starts talking about his penis. And in this case, he utilizes a gardening analogy.
Soon his account is going to be "8======)".
Val Kilmer Is the Most Val Kilmer Val Kilmer Alive
Val Kilmer's career trajectory -- going from Iceman to Batman to full-time Mark Twain impersonator -- is a pretty huge flapping red flag in terms of just how wall-scrawling crazy Val Kilmer is becoming on the daily. That, and the fact that his other Twitter account is the digital equivalent of John Doe's apartment in Se7en.
Looking at these pictures means you'll be dead in five days.
And did you know he makes and sells collages? Because surprise! You're about to never unknow that fact:
So you're probably asking yourself, "Besides specter photography and the first drafts of ransom notes, what else has Val Kilmer been up to?" Well, he also posts random fading colors with little to no explanation ...
... and eschews Hollywood glamour for canned beans and reading his Bible next to sheer cliff faces in a manner befitting a good backwoods survivalist (instead of a man accustomed to playing with the boys).
"I've been reusing the same can for two years."
Most Deranged Tweet:
It's a tossup between his obituary for Lou Reed, which we'll let speak for itself:
Run for your life, Ross. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.
Seems like these people could've benefited from this guide: 24 Basic Goddamn Rules We Should Start Enforcing Online.