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The 30 Most Inappropriate Children's Books Possible

By:: Cracked Plasticians

January 09, 2015

One has to be delicate when writing a children's book. One wrong word or phrase can take the entire moral you're trying to put across. Which is why it's probably good these pages probably got left on the cutting room floor.

Our readers go back and show us the horrific and twisted consequences of what could have been in our childhood stories. The winner is below, but first the runners-up ...

30 Entry by Ted E.

Oh dear, said the tree, I'm afraid I can't help you with that. Please put your pants back on. And the boy did. Eventually. And the tree was happy.

29 Entry by HamHurt

CRACKEDcO Hey Sweet Heart, I think you just made my 2X4 turn Lets play house, into a 4X8! you can be a door and I'll slam you all night long!! II! tuy

28 Entry by veryfinehat

And so, the Rainbow Fish gave one shimmering scale to each of his friends. Now all of the fish were shiny and bright and beautiful. Unfortunately, thi

27 Entry by GallopGhost

There's a game I play That Thing One and Two love. They lie down and look up While I crumpf from above! LHIG CRACKEDCON

26 Entry by mattographer

The 30 Most Inappropriate Children's Books Possible

25 Entry by fairfax

CRACKEDG CON The toy clown jumped aboard and all the dolls and the toy animals began to smile and cheer. Let's not start sucking each other's dicks j

24 Entry by straightface

POLIC No officer, I have never seen her before in my life. I just woke up and she was cuddling me. Then she told me that she loved me forever, robbed

23 Entry by WRWeir

CRACKED CONT i CALL UPoN THe POWER OF THE DARK LORD To HoLd THis Book GLOSED! Ash nazg durbafuluk, ash nazg gimbaful, ash nazg thrakafulak, agh burzum

22 Entry by BRWombat

Goodnight stars Goodnight lamp Goodnight sheets CRACKED ALl yellow and damp

21 Entry by Sonny Time

CRACKEDCON Sutnr Kama This is fantastic rocking horse, said the man.

20 Entry by Manx MacReady

CRACKEDCON con A dog orgy! A big dog orgy! Big dogs, little dogs, red dogs, blue dogs, yellow dogs, green dogs, black dogs, and white dogs all at dog

19 Entry by NinjaBill

CRACKEDCONF CANH On Christ night. the Grinch returned home. where he fell to the ground and died all alone. For his heart was enlarged-- two sizes at

18 Entry by roguematt

17 Entry by Tim Babb

...and Froggy managed to follow directions, sit still, and not fuck anything up for once in his miserable, goddamn life. This ending doesn't work. If

16 Entry by mattscrack

All my friends are dead. And you' re next. CRACKEDCON

15 Entry by mightyzamfir

CRACKED CON However, tradition is very important in Spain, and a bull fight cannot end without bloodshed, so the Banderilleros, Picadores, and the Mat

14 Entry by VALDAKIS

13 Entry by HamHurt

12 Entry by Douglas A. McDonnell

CRAGKED e found herself most interested in confounded by the strange ice from which the creature drew oke at will, without fire. quizzical the contrap

11 Entry by Danzy

CRACKEDCON And did not like it. we Not one little bit. A

10 Entry by straightface

ROCKS ROCkS 7 2 Pete will play ball with the other girls and boys, but in order for Pete to compete, Pete needs the 'roids. CRACKEDCON

9 Entry by RB2

CRACKEDCO Goodnight Mr Peeper Goodnight Grim Reaper

8 Entry by fairfax

Yikes, Clifford! Said Emily Elizabeth. I'm going to need a bigger plastic sack!

7 Entry by WRWeir

CRAGKEDO Would you eat them out of a commode? Would you eat them a la mode?

6 Entry by Manx MacReady

Chester loved his Kissing Hand. Now he knew his mother's love would go with him wherever he went. Even to the restroom. CRACKEDOON

5 Entry by dw1039

The went to his mother. son He picked her and rocked her up back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And he sang this song: I'll love you forev

4 Entry by Douglas A. McDonnell

CRACKEDCON Then one day you'll die, nothing gold's meant for staying. Things you've done and choices made, could find you where Satan's band's always

3 Entry by ironical

The Milkman Look, Jane, look, said Dick. But where is the milk? said Jane. Get lost, said the Milkman. CRACKEDCON

2 Entry by OkMeatFood

Paul can stroke Now YOU the cock. 00O stroke the cock. CRACKEDCON

1 Entry by RenegadeClock

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