6 Realities Of Working As A Friend-For-Hire

5One Guy Pretended To Drown

That is not an isolated example. Offer your friendship for cash, and you get a dazzling array of folks who just ... don't know to be around people. Maybe if they were wealthy, they'd just be called eccentric?

"A 'friend' said he wanted to go swimming at the beach," says John of another client. "I thought that sounded fun. And it was fun, at first. Then he pretended to drown."

Like, this is a bit he does? To break the ice? "I freaked out, and me and another man pulled him out. He looked dead, and the man who helped him out started calling 911. Then my 'friend' said, 'Gotcha!' and started laughing and went back into the ocean. The man who helped said, 'What the fuck is his problem?!' I told him I didn't know, because I didn't."

It's sad when you meet someone who seems fundamentally incapable of reading a room, but you have to admire the dedication. "Later he pretended to fall asleep at the wheel when there was an awkward pause in the conversation. He acted like it wasn't a big deal and gave me a perfect score, but I told the admin that I didn't want to see him again."

4One Guy Used His Bare Hands To Eat At A High-End Restaurant

The French Laundry, despite the confusing name, is one of the top restaurants in the world. It has Michelin stars, and the cheaper meals can run you about a month's worth of rent (or if you're in San Francisco, about five days' worth). So when a client offers to buy dinner for you there, what's the worst that can happen? Then again, you'd think somebody who could afford that place would already have someone to eat with ...

"We got into the French Laundry, and we had a good conversation going. He was mainly talking at me, but it sounded like he needed a release. Then his salad came, complete with special silverware." Specifically, a chilled fork. Yes, it's that kind of place. "He literally grabbed the entire salad in his hands and started eating it like a sandwich." This is an amazing mental image. It seems like you could totally get teenagers to eat salad if you told them this was an option.

"I thought it was a fluke, or even that it was made to be eaten that way, but the next dish was fish and he ate it like that again. Then pasta. Everything. He didn't even wipe his hands ..." John didn't want to piss the guy off, so he waited until afterward to say anything. "He just told me, 'Nah. If they can't accept me like this, they aren't good people.' During the entire meal, others were just staring. Like, Silicon Valley, Napa types ... he kept repeating that every food was finger food, and that 'People who mind it are wrong.'"

3One Guy Needed Companionship On A Stakeout

Other times, it's people who may have friends, but are embarking on activities you really can't invite a buddy to.

"I had a private investigator hire me so that he would have a 'friend' to talk to on a stakeout. We were literally parked outside an apartment building all night because he hated to be alone ... He actually told me that he used to go on his tablet and go on the internet, but he missed having someone to talk to. So that's what happened. He picked me up, and he talked to me for several hours about this and that. He obviously needed to get some things off his chest."

Well, that's nice ...

"But then he said he felt scared sometimes while on stakeouts, so that was another layer ... he told me, man-to-man, that he wanted someone else in the car in case something happened. He specifically said, 'So someone can call my mom for me if I get hurt.'"

Here's where a cynical person could say that the guy just didn't want to sacrifice one of his actual friends, should things go south. "And since we were watching the house of someone deep in debt for some company, it got me wondering whether this situation could get violent, and if that's why he needed someone else. I kept thinking we'd be killed that entire night."

2People Keep Thinking It's An Undercover Dating Site

In a world in which you have to be coy about advertising escorts, it's common to find customers who don't know they're renting a friend; they think they're renting a "friend." One woman who insisted on hitting on John kind of wouldn't take no for an answer.

"Even after I told her, she kept trying to be seen and have her picture taken with me on her phone to prove that she had a boyfriend. She also tried kissing me, but every time, I told her, 'Friend rental. I'm not allowed to do that.' She'd complain and call me a prude, but she'd wait until people passed by to hear ... I did everything I could to give a quick goodbye and fast-walk onto the train."

He says he was hit on by guys too. It's one of those things that is probably inevitable with a service like this, but it's a rule they can't break, not even once. Word gets around. "We're actually warned about it. My site is worried about its reputation going from 'friends' to 'friends with benefits,' and we're told not to have a date when we're working. When we're not being paid, we can hook up with them if we'd like, but not during."

It's the kind of thing you have to avoid if you don't want the cops kicking down your door, even if you're just providing a service that lots of lonely people desperately want. But there's always one service they want even more ...

1So Many Are Just Desperate For Someone To Listen

In this era, it doesn't matter who you are, where you live, or how much money you make. There's a fair chance that you don't have a single person you can confide in. When customers say they just want someone to hang with for a day, what they often really want is someone, anyone, to help share their burden.