We're only suggesting he never tried to murder anyone. If the charge was of being creepy, fucking guilty.
But this is also a cautionary tale about indulging in kinks in the Internet Age. As Valle points out, this couldn't have happened 30 years ago. Without the web's magical ability to let people with freaky desires congregate, fantasies like this would stay in your head and/or personal diary. Today, people not only have a platform to express their kinks, but are also encouraged to do so. It's a powerful thing -- the self-loathing and guilt melts away in the face of a roomful of like-minded people who "get it." It is, to use a phrase everyone hates these days, a "safe space."
Dark Fantasies Net
Well, "safe" may be stretching it a bit.
But that safety is an illusion; these people are happily sharing terrifying fantasies that would ruin their lives with a single copy-paste. For example, do you know what it's like trying to get a job when a Google search of your name turns up page after page of results about you being a murderous pervert cannibal? Just ask ol' Gil!
"I got called in for an interview with AFLAC. The guy obviously had no idea who I was, so I killed it during the interview. Really wowed him. He hired me on the spot. A few days later, I get a phone call. He said basically, 'Oh, your app was put on review, and I'm sorry to tell you but we can't hire you.'"
Yeah, when the AFLAC guy punched in his name, he even got a little Google module summarizing Gilberto Valle's infamy for anyone too lazy to click on the many headlines:
"Funny, I don't recall seeing 'cannibalism" on your LinkedIn."
Still, they strangely weren't worried about the cannibalism stuff. "He said, 'Well, we looked up your record ... it was the improper use of the police database. That's still on your record, and this is a job where you would be on the computer some of the time. So we can't hire you because of that.'"
Then there's the fact that "Cannibal Cop Convicted" was a massive story, but "Cannibal Cop Quietly Released On Appeal" was not. Those who find out he's free assume he either served his sentence or got out on a technicality. "[T]hey'll say, 'Oh my god, how the hell is he out of prison? He was stalking women' ... that's not true."
If you read New York tabloids, this is probably the most recent article you saw about Valle:
New York Post
Pretty restrained by NY Post standards.
Before you ask or, Christ forbid, read that article, yes, it contains roughly one cooking pun per sentence. The story behind this is that, now a free man, Valle was looking to date and started an account on Match.com ("I was single and kind of lonely ..."). Within a couple of days, he had reporters waiting outside his house, trying to get one more clickable headline out of the infamous Cannibal Cop:
New York Post
Of course, pun-based news should always be taken with a pinch of salt.
And Valle was oddly okay with that. "They kinda blew me up, obviously ... but it was like an article that made fun, not 'Oh my god, look at what this monster's doing.' This is an article that was making fun of me, so I was fine with it, really."
When you're destined to go down in history as a Cannibal Cop, that's about the best you can hope for.
If you want to know the whole story of the Cannibal Cop, Gil's co-written a book about his life and you can pre-order it now! Robert Evans also has a book, where he experiments with the insane drugs our ancestors used to use.
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Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: the monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand new relative to how long humans have been around. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex.
On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Dr. Christopher Ryan, podcaster and author of 'Sex at Dawn', onto the show for a lively Valentine's Day discussion about love, sex, why our genitals are where they are, and why we're more like chimps and bonobos than you think.
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