Sounds like the kind of story parents tell their children to fuck with them, right? That's what Dana thought, too. "I always figured she was making shit up until another guard told me of this private residence where he would constantly find open doors. He once found footprints going up the staircase into the bedroom that he swore hadn't been there during his earlier check. He refused to go back, and the contract was eventually cancelled, as they couldn't find any guards willing to enter that house at night." Yep, it was the same house her mother had spoken of. Dun dun DUNNNN.
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Apparently, "Boo" is Ghost for "Fuck tha police."
OK, you're probably thinking it was some vagrant sneaking around, intentionally creeping the place up so they could squat in peace. But try holding onto that logic when it's just you, alone, in a creaky dim house in the wee hours of the morning.
Dana has her own site -- a factory -- that feels like it's in dire need of a visit from the Scooby Gang. "There's no reason for it -- it's not abandoned and workers are there every day -- but at night, you get an ominous feeling the moment you pull up. Once, while I was training another guard at about 3 a.m., the overhead speakers suddenly began crackling and fizzing. This guy I was training was about 6'3'' and ex-military, yet he immediately bolted. I followed suit, and we ran into a brightly lit area of the building and broke out laughing. As we were joking about how we were the pussiest security guards of all time, we heard a voice say, 'Are you there?'" Needless to say, they both left behind dust outlines like the goddamned Road Runner.
"A few months later, I was training another guy, and I left to go to the bathroom. He was finishing the patrol when I heard him talking to me. I came out [of the bathroom] and ... a petrified look came over his face. While he was walking towards the entrance, he'd heard a voice say, 'Are you there?' I hadn't even told him that story."
Someone Please Think Of A More Original Insult
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We used the derogatory term "rent-a-cop" earlier. You know who else uses that phrase? Virtually everyone you'll encounter doing this job. We'll let Dana elaborate: "During my first week, a hotel called me up at 1 a.m. to go ask a guy to move his car (he had parked horizontally in the middle of the parking lot, blocking four other vehicles). The light was on in his room, so I didn't think it would be too big of a deal, since he was awake. I was wrong. I knocked and announced myself as security, and was immediately told to fuck off. I knocked again and announced myself as security, and this older man peeks through the window, looks me up and down, and yells, 'Fuck off, ya fucking rent-a-cop cunt!'"
This continued for several more rounds, like history's worst knock-knock joke. "I was finally like, 'Fine. You can pick your car up from impound in the morning and pay the $500 fee. Have a good night.' Then the door flies open, and there stands this old guy in his underwear with an 18-to-20-year-old woman sprawled out on the bed behind him. He apologized profusely and thanked me for not towing his vehicle, all while trying to block my view of what was obviously a prostitute."
And the name-calling doesn't end with her shift. "I often grocery shop after work at 7 a.m. when Walmart opens, and I've been called a 'rent-a-cop cunt' approximately five times while browsing the frozen food section. I don't know why that's the go-to insult. Let your readers know that if they're going to insult security, please think up something good, because they'll be the 10th person that night to call us a rent-a-cop. We'll probably cut them some slack if they come up with an insult we haven't heard before."
Dale Crangle has since left the security/surveillance field, and is now a freelance content specialist, helping businesses further their reach and bring in new customers. Jason is an editor for Cracked and a part-time pickax-wielding maniac. Like his Facebook page.
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