Y'know, kind of like how your mom doesn't feel like cooking after a long day at the blowjob factory.
Timothy A Cleary/GettyImages
Picture not related.
In addition to making sure they eat, falconers watch out for dangers that go overlooked by their feathered, flying knives: "We don't let them hunt in areas where electrocution or collisions are a risk, and when they're on the ground with a kill, we protect them from predators. I've personally run off coyotes, bobcats, and stray dogs when Isabeau's been on the ground."
But some dangers are just out of a falconer's hands. "We encourage them to bind in safer areas, immediately treat any bites that may happen, or -- for some, though it isn't always a viable option -- simply don't fly the birds where there are a lot of squirrels."
Wait, squirrels are a threat?
"Squirrels have long, sharp teeth and can bite a smaller hawk's toe off," Kate explains. "There's no training every bird to avoid the teeth every time."
Hey, also like your mom.
Birds Of Prey Are Essentially Flying Cats
So, to summarize: Birds of prey have razor sharp claws, are total dicks, and love to mutilate small animals. Sound familiar? And just like cats, raptors are lovable despite their inherent jerkiness.
Wild Horse Photography/GettyImages
"I iz on ur arm, steelin ur hart."
"Isabeau flew off after a squirrel once and I couldn't find her and I freaked out. I was calling her and she didn't respond. Then suddenly, I heard something and looked down and there was my bird running after me. She got my attention, turned, and ran back over to the squirrel."
They can even be cuddly and playful:
"Isabeau is all business, but my fiance's bird is a goofball. He is entranced by his feet and will stare at them for hours. He likes shiny things and will play with a key ring for as long as you keep throwing it across the room. He likes tennis balls, too."
He'll chase a laser dot for hours. And then he'll catch it.
He sounds like the Moon-Moon of birds, and we love him already. Now, if you'll excuse us, we're off to sacrifice years of our lives and thousands of dollars just for the chance to play fetch with a falcon ...
Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a freelance Cracked columnist, interviewer, and editor. Contact him at email@example.com or follow him on Twitter.
Have a story to share with Cracked? Email us here.
For more insider perspectives, check out 6 Strange (Sometimes Illegal) Realities Of Fox Hunting and 6 Creepy Realities Of The (Shockingly Real) Rat Hunting Game.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out Why The Cassowary Is The Most Terrifying Animal Ever, and other videos you won't see on the site!
Also, follow us on Facebook, and let's dig deeper into this penis pump spending.
Every year we're inundated with movies that are based on true stories. We're about to get a Deepwater Horizon movie where Mark Wahlberg will plug an oil spill with his muscles, and a Sully Sullenberger movie where Tom Hanks will land a plane on the Hudson with acting. But we think Hollywood could do better than this. That's why Jack O'Brien, the Cracked staff and comedians Lindsay Adams, Sunah Bilsted, Eli Olsberg, and Steven Wilber will pitch their ideas of incredible true stories that should be made into movies. Get your tickets for this LIVE podcast here!