They say it interferes with sex as well as exercise, because it feels too firm. I guess it's down to societal pressure. "That takes a lot of balls." "That's ballsy." "Balls to the wall." "Go balls deep." "Balls out." "He's got balls of steel." "Grab life by the balls." "You don't have the balls!" It even crosses languages -- if someone says, "He has a lot of cojones," I'll know what that means, and that's the only word of Spanish I know.
The Lone Survivor Will Do Double Duty
My remaining ball migrated to a new spot right in the center of the scrotum. Like when people lose a kidney, it took up the slack and does the job of two now. I know this not because I tried measuring with tablespoons, but because of what happened after the surgery. A couple weeks later, I went back to the hospital, and they found the cancer had spread.
They would treat the spread with chemotherapy, though chemo hadn't been a promising route for the original testicular cancer. But it could affect my fertility, so they suggested I go to a sperm bank and store some baby batter beforehand. I did so, and I was told my output matched that of a healthy two-balled man in volume, sperm count, motility, etc. My dad accompanied me to the bank, and if you can think of something more awkward than that, let's hear it. Though keep in mind that, keen on grandchildren, he insists on paying for the semen storage. He calls it "my frozen futures."
nito100 / iStock
The chemotherapy worked, and I'm cancer-free now. I'm actually thinking of getting a sperm teardrop tattoo on my cheek to commemorate beating cancer. I wasn't lucky to get cancer, but I was to catch it relatively early. So I recommend all you males in the audience, reach down and examine your balls today. If possible, get an attractive friend to lend a hand. If you don't have a friend, ask help from passing strangers in a well-lit location, such as an airport or public library.
Ryan Menezes is an editor and interviewer here at Cracked. Follow him on Twitter for stuff cut from this article and other things no one should see.
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