5

Every Social Situation Is A Potential Disaster

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4

The Sweat Comes And Goes, But Anything Can Trigger It

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The good news about hyperhidrosis is that you're only ridiculously sweaty most of the time, not all the time. You do get breaks. For me, those are glorious times, during which I make sure to do everything that would otherwise be hindered by sweat. For example, I used to write out bunches of checks during my sweat-less times and leave the dollar amount empty. I'd also read heavily, so as not to warp my books (now I have an e-reader). Today, I use those sweat-free intervals as an excuse to wear white -- the most decadent joy of all.

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"At last, I can juggle knives without a care in the world!"

But the sweat always comes back on its own in a day or two. I do everything I can to forestall that moment. Obviously, getting too hot opens the floodgates, so I avoid thick clothes, too many bed sheets, and hot showers. But any action my body takes can also start it off: coughs, burps, and sneezes have all kick-started sweat attacks. I avoid exercising during my "dry days" because any excessive movement can start it up.

But the most difficult triggers to avoid are my emotions. Laughing has caused me to start sweating, as has crying. Once I was at a meeting for engineering students at my college. They wanted me to give a speech on behalf of the juniors for a fundraiser. I'd stopped sweating the night before, so I thought I'd been lucky. But then the sophomore rep gave a really funny speech and I laughed ... which started me sweating. By the time I got on stage, I was as wet as Ophelia.

John Everett Millais
Don't worry, that's not a sex joke. Just a suicide joke.

3

And Then There's The Dehydration Problem

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Dehydration is a serious issue for the seriously sweaty individual. I go through water about two to three times faster than a normal person. I always have a water bottle on me; on flights, I have to bring a CamelBak. As soon as I'm past security, I beeline to the nearest fountain and fill it for the flight. I've gotten looks and I've had to talk my way onto planes, but it's either this or I start to die of thirst.

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Though producing a boarding pass that looks like it fell in a pond does help lend some credibility.

I learned this the hard way. I once ignored my doctor's warnings and went with friends on a trip to Grand Teton. We pooled what we thought would be enough water to last us several days ... and I went through half of it on an eight-hour hike. We had to turn around, and we ran out on our way back. By the time we got to a visitor's area, I was so lightheaded and pale from lack of water that I drank straight out of a rain barrel. I'd stopped sweating at that point, which in that case was a sign that I was seriously in trouble (fortunately, we found water a few minutes later).

2

There Are Treatments, But None Are Simple (Or Cheap)

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I was 25 when finally I decided to get treatment. My specialist recommended getting Botox injections in my hands, feet, and head, since he didn't know how my body would react to anything else. I sent in all the necessary paperwork to my insurance company and they acted immediately: I got a rejection within nine hours. When I called, I was sternly told that they don't pay for cosmetic surgery, despite the fact this was very much a medical issue for me. I didn't want Botox to hide the first signs of aging from my wealthy, shallow football-player husband.

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"Please allow me to send you a big jar of appeal."

It turns out that Botox is useful for a variety of legitimate medical issues, including muscle spasms, migraines, and overactive bladders. But even the insurance companies who will let you take it for one of these are notoriously stingy. After Botox was out, I tried an Aluminum-chloride-heavy deodorant. It's $6 at Walmart. After a few weeks, I found that my body reacted badly to it (I got rashes all over my hands and feet). And now my insurance company knew I had hyperhidrosis, so they stuck me on a special "frequent sweater" plan (insurance companies actually do this to sufferers), and that meant I needed to be tested again for hyperhidrosis. Apparently, they suspected that all the sweat was due to my hidden marathon addiction.

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"We couldn't honor your original diagnosis because the paperwork was all wet and salty, for some reason."

1

The Treatments Aren't Cures

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So I had the surgery. And it worked! My hands are no longer perpetual salt water machines. My head and feet are also sweat-free. I can grip cups and shake hands and go barefoot all I please. But I still have hyperhidrosis. They don't know how to fix that. And they can't shut off all my sweat glands, because the medical term for that is "murder" (you need to sweat to avoid overheating and heatstroke). So that means that post-surgery, my other sweat glands have doubled down on productivity. Namely, the apocrine glands -- aka my torso and my junk.

Via Medthical.com
So basically all the worst areas for a sunburn.

On a hot day, I really don't look forward to taking off my pants. Pants seal in the smell, and taking them off after a day of marinating is ... not pleasant. On hot days, even my clothing can't hold in the rolling waves of ball sweat smell. I now take three showers a day to ensure I'm fit to be in human company. It's such a problem that it's stopped me from running. The side effects of this surgery are bad enough that nearly a quarter of people who went through my operation wish that they never did it.

Personally, I prefer sweating inwardly to outwardly, even though it means living with 1,000 percent more ball sweat than any man should have. My life has greatly improved overall. You don't know how amazing it is to write something without fear of soaking the paper. Picking up a dumbbell without being afraid of dropping it still feels weird. Never having to wear a sweatband again in my life brings me joy in ways people who wear them for style will never understand. If the only people who suffer are those in close proximity when I remove my pants, that's a tradeoff we'll have to live with.

Evan V. Symon is an interviewer, writer and interview finder guy here at Cracked. Have an awesome job/experience you'd like to share? E-mail us at tips@cracked.com and fame and/or fortune will soon be yours!

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