So by now you're probably wondering why we don't just let cattle make adorable little hunks of walking meat and milk the old-fashioned way. It comes down to cost and volume -- natural sex sessions can cost 5 grand, because you have to move the bull from farm to farm, make sure both he and the cow are in the mood, pay for grass-scented candles ... all these expenses and hassles quickly add up. Meanwhile, frozen semen can cost as little as 15 bucks a pop, and a bull can have kids across the country without ever having to leave his barn (some bulls have had over 100,000 offspring from the comfort of their own homes, kind of like a movie star who lives in L.A. and has groupies visit from around the world). So that's how about three-quarters of America's cows are created. And when I say 15 bucks a pop, I do mean pop. Frozen semen comes in thin straws:
Brain Tumor Resource Laboratory
Definitely don't use these for spitballs.
But in genetic terms, 15 bucks for a baby bump gets you the equivalent of a bull who dropped out of Bovine University to start an all-milk-jug country band. Most of our bulls start at $100 per straw, while semen from the genetic elite of bull society can cost $3,000. And whenever you have a valuable product, you're going to have a black market.
In 2010, a spate of semen robberies worth 22 to 35 grand rocked Wisconsin. In January of 2016, nearly $50,000 in frozen semen was stolen from a truck in Sacramento. And in 2015, thieves in Minnesota walked away with $70,000 worth of bull jizz. It's easy to giggle at the image of rural thieves scheming to get their hands on cattle semen, but those are big numbers that can put a gaping hole in our bottom line.
Uwemuell / Wiki Commons
The gaping holes we need to be seeing are on ovulating cows.
And so we're constantly worried about a rag-tag group of thieves coming together on one last job, filthy pun not intended. Last year we invested in more security cameras, a new alarm system, and a fancy new semen fridge that needs the owner or manager's magnetic keycard to reveal its white gold. It's not Bull Semen Fort Knox, but it's pretty damn secure. The security consultant who put it all together was bewildered as to why my boss would want all of this, and so we told him, "It's his semen. It's worth a lot."
Evan V. Symon is a writer and interview finder guy for the Personal Experience team at Cracked. Have an awesome job/experience you would like the internet world to know about? Hit us up at email@example.com!
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