5

Roses Are Expensive, But Not For The Reason You Might Think

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People want cheap flowers, but roses are always in demand. It's usually around seven dollars a rose, but during Valentine's Day, a nice bouquet of a dozen red roses can go for over $100. At the shop I work at, it's usually between $70-$80 most of the year for a bouquet, but between Christmas and Valentine's, we charge $120 and up.

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"Actual roses were a little pricey, so here's some rosemary, rosea cream, and the lyrics to 'Kiss From A Rose.'"

That's not entirely because we're greedy assholes. Hard winters reduce the number of flowers, so prices rise in that typical Schoolhouse Rock supply-and-demand way. It's not uncommon for people to call, get pissed off over our prices, and hang up ... and then call back several days later when they realize that no one else is any cheaper. By that time, we've often raised our prices again, which gets them an entirely new kind of pissed off.

But absurd rose prices aren't the florist's fault; they're your fault. Everyone wants fresh roses on Valentine's Day, but you can't simply crank them out in a factory. You have to grow them. And since roses don't store well, growers need to have a bunch of them mature just in time for the holiday. In order to do this, they sacrifice a whole December crop of roses so they'll have fresh ones in time for February. Part of what you pay for on Valentine 's Day is that lost crop. You're not only buying roses; you're buying roses, plus the furious ghosts of roses that will never be.

4

Roses Are The Worst Possible Flowers

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3

Growing Roses Is Evil

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Most roses come from South America, and there's an eight percent chance they were picked and cut by a child laborer with their tiny, numb hands (many of the buildings the flowers are grown and housed in are kept at near-freezing temperatures to make them last longer). Roses are pretty much the blood diamonds of the plant world, and many places refuse to sell them anymore as a result.

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Yup, definitely the box of chocol-- wait, shit.

Things aren't any nicer for the adult workers. In Colombia and Ecuador, the world's rose basket, workers often pull 24-hour days, and two-thirds of them suffer grisly consequences from all the pesticides, like "asthma," "stillbirths," and "congenital malformations." The good news is that companies hiring these workers have taken action ... by which I mean they now require female employees to prove they've been sterilized before applying." Isn't that romantic?

2

Valentine's Day Is An Emotional Nightmare

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1

Deliveries Are The Most Awkward And Painful Part Of Valentine's Day

Before we signed with other companies to handle delivery, we even did that ourselves. We expected to run in, give the recipient a smile, and run out -- trying to make as many deliveries as possible. But nothing goes that smoothly. We get pre-orders a month in advance, and a lot can happen between order and delivery ...

"Excuse me, Ma'am? This may be a bad time, but he hired me to shower you in rose petals."

I've delivered to recently-divorced wives who threw the bouquets back in my face. One even set an expensive $300 arrangement on fire and threw it into her fireplace without a word to me. Then there are the bouquet deliveries to married women that are not from their husbands. One time, a husband interrogated me for five minutes on who the "secret admirer" sending his wife flowers might be. There is no training for florists, delivery people, or any profession ever that prepares you to deal with that awkwardness.

But the worst is death. I've twice found myself delivering to a widow, holding flowers ordered by her recently-deceased husband. One even came with a note instructing me to read aloud: "Harry wants to see you tonight!"

Spoiler: No tip.

I had no idea that Harry was dead, obviously, so I basically announced in my most chipper voice that this woman should join her dead husband in the grave. She did not take it well.

Evan V. Symon is the interview finder guy at Cracked and is a member of the Personal Experience team. Have an awesome job or experience you want to see featured on Cracked? Hit us up at tips@cracked.com, and fame and fortune may soon be yours!

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