5

Most People Will Never See The Coolest Stuff At A Museum

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On average, only anywhere from 1 percent to 10 percent of the items in a museum ever see the light of day. There can be several reasons for this. If an item is broken or degraded, it may not be stable enough to display. Some objects may be duplicates of others, poor examples of a style or time period, or unable to be displayed for cultural reasons (we'll get to that in a minute). Those of us who have the knowledge and clearance to wander around unsupervised in storage can stumble upon some pretty awesome stuff. I've personally found a box of items pilfered from the wreckage of the Great Chicago Fire and a set of WWI-era surgeon's equipment that still had all its original glass vials of medicine along with some device labeled "uterine speculum," which I try hard to not think about.

Via Collectmedicalantiques.com
Let's just say that those have come a long way.

On rare occasions, even the museum doesn't know what it has hidden in storage. One time we were going through a bundle of objects that had been found on a mummy from Peru. Two staff members opened up a woven purse and found a khipu, an Incan counting tool made of knotted strings. Khipus are very rare, and it was incredible enough that our museum had two of them already; finding a third was downright miraculous. Fun fact: Archaeologists dance really funny when they get excited.

4

Donors Think They Can Do Whatever They Want To The Exhibits (And Sometimes Do)

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When you picture a museum, you probably think of something like the Louvre or the Smithsonian: rich, architecturally intimidating, and well-connected. On the contrary, the overwhelming majority of museums in the United States are tiny. They tend to have only one or two paid staff members (if they have any at all) and rely heavily on volunteers to pick up the slack. Until I was hired -- and I'm only part-time -- the museum I work for had only two full-time staff and a whole lot of volunteers. That's great, but this particular set of volunteers often took it upon themselves to move things around without telling anyone, which completely messed up the organizational scheme of collections storage and even damaged some objects. They didn't do it on purpose; they just didn't know what they were doing, and no one who did could spare the time to teach them.

Nomu420/Wiki Commons
"Hmm ... one leg is longer than the others. Grab a saw -- this seems like an easy fix."

That's why funding is pretty important -- not just for us but for the people who want to see our cool shit. Some university-associated museums have been forced to sell off parts of their collection when the college is going through a rough patch. Even the places that you would expect to be, ahem, very well-endowed, don't have as much money as they would like.

3

Museum "Security" Is A Joke, And Robberies Are Common

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Forget about lasers, weighted stands, and unbreakable glass. For most museums, security gets only about as fancy as a locked door. The one large museum where I interned for a summer had security guards and keycard entry, but they didn't even work. Nicolas Cage could slip in and out of there with no more trouble than the acquisition of a fake mustache and glasses (because, obviously, we go on high alert when we see Nicolas Cage).

Walt Disney Pictures
A museum is no place for a guy with no sense of when a torch is inappropriate.

2

We Have Many Exhibits That Are Almost Certainly Haunted

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My museum had a double-sided drum in collections made up of two human skull caps placed end-to-end and covered in animal hides, and I once had to carefully document a gourd jar that was tastefully decorated with five human jaw bones, teeth and all. The coup de grace, however, came when I unfolded a Nazi flag at my history museum and found it stained with what I am 99.9 percent certain was dried blood.

bhofack2/iStock/Getty Images
It could've been ketchup, but shitty dry fries seem like something
the Nazis would've been into.

My anthropology museum was on a college campus that was interspersed with about a dozen Native American burial mounds from before white settlers ever set foot in the area (yes, it was literally built on an Indian graveyard). In the first hundred years of the college, several of the mounds were dug up for studies, and the remains and any objects inside were brought into the museum and used as displays and educational material. A fraternity on campus back in the 1960s through the '80s used to steal one of the "mummies" every Halloween and use it as a prop at parties. If there's a better way to end up haunted, I can't think of it.

dsmoulton/iStock/Getty Images
Nothing kills a party quite like when all the punch turns to blood at the stroke of midnight.

1

Much Of What You See In A Museum Is Fake

BrianAJackson/iStock/Getty Images, Stepan Popov/iStock/Getty Images

Reproductions can be very valuable to a museum, usually in teaching or hands-on collections, where nobody cares if your bratty kid throws it against the wall or uses it to pick his nose. With that in mind, it's difficult to say how many objects specifically are "fakes," because A) museums won't always admit to it, and B) they don't always know. For instance, we once got a large donation from the will of a very rich woman who had spent a lot of her life collecting "ethnic art." One item was a large terracotta sculpture from Central Africa. For a long time, the museum was concerned that it may be a fake, since these particular styles of statues are very widely forged. The only way we could figure out for sure if it was authentic was to cart this large, heavy, delicate statue to a local hospital and put it through a CAT scanner to see if it was made of only a few distinct pieces (as the real ones are), or cobbled together from a bunch of different pieces of broken sculptures (as the "fakes" are). It was authentic after all, but a whole bunch of other objects from the same collection weren't.

Michel Brent
If the fakes are good enough to fool Sotheby's, they're probably going
to slip past your average rich old lady.

Sometimes we even have to gussy up the real things. The fossil of Sue the dinosaur in the main hall of the Field Museum in Chicago, for instance, has a false skull on it, because the real thing was too heavy to stay mounted on the rest of the skeleton. The actual skull is in its own case on the balcony above. The museum at University College London displays the mummified body of statesman and philosopher Jeremy Bentham, who died in 1832. His head, however, is in collections storage in its own box. It was on his body for a while, but it started to fall off, so it was removed and replaced with a wax replica. Decide for yourself which scenario is more unsettling.

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