4

The Plane Is Disgusting

Digital Vision./Photodisc/Getty Images

People are gross. Some people actually take their shoes off and go into the toilet barefoot. A chemical toilet. On a shaking plane. That's biblically nasty. That's like the ninth circle of nasty.

Valeriy Fedorov/iStock/Getty Images
Unless you want your little piggies to mutate into 10 tiny, grotesque Bebops,
slip your goddamn shoes on.

3

Passengers Are Not So Big On Sex, Are Very Big On Drinking

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Not many people try to join the Mile High Club. Kelly hasn't noticed it at all. Ben hasn't caught any couples in the bathrooms -- but that's only because people usually get funky right in their seats. Sex might not provide much drama, but drinking does. One time Ben cut off a drunk guy, and he got angry. He decided to speak to the captain and tried to kick in the cockpit doors. Some football players had to restrain him in his seat, and the plane had to be diverted.

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This bullshit would never have happened on Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's watch.

2

Flight Attendants Deal With All The Same Problems As Customer Service Reps

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The most annoying passengers are the entitled ones. Lisa has had people come on the plane and ask (in front of all the other passengers) if they can just have one of the seats in First Class.

Richard Shock/Hemera/Getty Images
Some things you can get just by asking. Those things don't run the company thousands of dollars.

Ben once had a disabled passenger who requested the front-most seat so his service dog, a German shepherd, would have room. FAA rules said he had a right to the seat, but the guy who originally bought the spot became irate. He argued with Ben and said, "Well, I guess I'm going to have to become disabled." He started pretending his leg was broken.

Martin Ivanov/iStock/Getty Images
"Looks like I'm not the only bitch on this flight."

1

Flight Staff Get Bored And Mess With Each Other, Like In Any Other Job

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Just like any workplace, staff members on planes will inevitably get bored and start messing with folks. If it's almost drink time, passengers need to clear out of the aisles and let flight attendants do their thing. Ben solves this issue by calling up the captain and requesting a little turbulence. Ding! The seatbelt sign is on, and everyone goes to their seats.

One time, while Ben was resting on an inactive and darkened plane, the pilot woke up from his nap and decided to play a trick on the first officer, also napping. He reached over and tested the "stick shaker," which is a thing that vibrates when everyone's life is in immediate danger. The first officer jerked awake, slammed the throttle forward, and attempted life-saving countermeasures. It was probably more hilarious than it sounds.

Apparently, babies aren't they only ones shitting their pants up there.

Lisa's instructors like to prank each other too. Normally, you do that little safety pantomime demonstration with a deactivated life vest. For laughs, one instructor switched the demo vest with a live one. The vest popped open and inflated, forcing the other instructor to finish the safety demonstration looking like a post-gum Violet Beauregarde.

Warner Bros. Pictures
"The captain has turned off the seatbelt sign so that you may more freely laugh your asses off."

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