"Oh, hell no; motherfuckers don't just 'suddenly' learn semicolons."
It's that kind of attention to detail that ensured that for the duration of his tenure, Joe never got caught, an accomplishment that is kind of sad he can't brag about on his resume. It seems like there are probably half a dozen careers in which being able to perfectly mimic someone else's writing while bullshitting your way through a complicated subject would earn you a nice living.
Yes, Ultimately The Customers Are Only Cheating Themselves
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The most surprising thing that Joe learned doing this job was just how much he learned. In fact, he says, "I would say the knowledge I gained as a result of my entrepreneurial enterprise had a bigger and better impact on my life than the money I earned." This is due to having to give himself a crash course in the subject matter before beginning an assignment, only to immediately have to do it all over again. "My roommate's essay gave me a better understanding on why we're no longer on the gold standard. I ended up watching beautiful films by the masters of cinema such as Kurosawa, Fellini, and Truffaut for foreign film assignments. Writing philosophy papers gave me some insight into the works of Immanuel Kant, David Hume, and Peter Singer, and that Plato was the dude's wrestling nickname (apparently his real name was Aristocles)."
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And he bought all his papers from Antisthenes, some nerd in his Socrates class.
We'll be the first to tell you that in-depth knowledge of samurai films doesn't easily translate to a corner office, but if that's your only goal, why bother with college at all? Why not do what your grandpa is always going on about and work your way up from the mailroom, whatever that is? Joe says he "slowly came to the realization that maybe professors didn't assign essays to torture their students," and maybe universities don't require foofy liberal arts credits just because they're jealous of all that rock-hard science. What we're saying is that ultimately, his classmates were doing the equivalent of paying for a meal at an expensive restaurant, and then paying someone else to eat their food. Though we suppose this analogy breaks down when it's their parents who are footing the bill.
And commemorative "I ate the whole thing" certificates are more of a shitty steakhouse thing.
Oh, and remember all those hard-partying frat guys who threw cash at Joe to make sure they didn't fail the classes they were too hungover to attend? If you were wondering, most of these kids -- at least, the ones Joe kept tabs on -- did graduate and get good jobs. Mostly, they went into business. There's no shortage of things that explains.
Manna pays a small army of smelly 12-year-olds to write her tweets for her; follow her at @Manna_Festo.
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